AIBU to feel left out?

[HazelBird]

I was hoping for some advice on a friend situation which I’m confused about. Bear with me because it is quite long but any advice would be welcome.

I have known a particular friend for 17 years (let’s call her Ann) - we met at work in my late teens. Both of us have moved onto other roles and our lives have evolved like they do, but we live quite close and have always kept in touch over the years. We have been particularly close for the last few years since both of us broke up with our partners and became single parents.

Ann is a very charismatic talkative person and the type most people like immediately. I value a simple life and didn’t inherit such gifts (lol) but we both have always got on well, however over the last couple of years I have noticed how self absorbed she has become and is always offloading about her problems. She doesn’t listen to advice and has gone from bad decision to bad decision and then tells anyone who will listen about it with herself always firmly placed as the victim and the centre of the conversation. I have become almost like a counsellor to her and after the most recent issue which again was caused by a bad decision made on her part which I won’t go into (but was firmly told by many people including myself not to do), has spent the last year offloading to me about it - I’m talking rafts of messages and voice notes/phone calls at all hours saying she is ‘spiralling’ etc and needing my support.

I started to find this really hard to deal with and whilst I wanted to be compassionate and have been, I got to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I have had conversations with her explaining gently that whilst it must be hard for her at times and I am supportive, our friendship should be a bit more multidimensional and cannot be deep all the time. Surely we are meant to have fun too? She doesn’t seem to take this onboard and if you challenge her in anyway she then paints herself as the victim and says she cannot take it as she has so much going on in her life - never does she think that others may have things going on in theirs. For reference over the last few years I have lost my mum and have struggled being a single parent which has led me to some really dark periods where I have been on and off anti depressants. In these moments she has been there and tried to be supportive but in more of a ‘chin up’ kind of way and for every 5 mins we speak about me, we then speak about her and her problems for hours. This is then repeated for anyone who will listen when we go out. For all of these reasons, I recently made the decision to try and step back from her without falling out, and concentrate some of energy spent being her therapist on me and the issues in my own life.

For context, as friends we speak most days (which I have now tried to move away from but still speak a couple of times a week), we go for the occasional hike and for food but again these occasions are often filled with her offloading about the latest drama. She has other friends that I feel get the light hearted better side of her and who she goes on nights out with frequently - events I am never really invited to even though I would love to be involved. I’ve mentioned this in the past but not pressed her as I have my own established group of friends that I have known since high school.

A few years ago, she was feeling down and lost so I invited her on a girls holiday me and my school friends had planned, with their agreement. We all went and had a great time and whilst she hadn’t appeared to have maintained separate friendships with the other girls, we have met up since.

Last year, myself and one of the girls in the holiday group (who was a very close friend)fell out. This was orchestrated by her and as bizarre as it is, I’m still not fully sure why. She hasn’t told me or my other friends any reason other than she didn’t think I cared about her. Something that is grossly untrue and has upset and made me angry in equal measure, given I have known her for over 20 years and have racked my brain for an event/conversation that may have caused this going as far as to ask others and searching through rafts of messages before she cut me off. Admittedly, I then dug my heels in and took the stance that if she couldn’t be adult enough to explain the reasons and talk it through then I wouldn’t chase her. Weirdly, I saw this girl recently whilst shopping and she stopped and spoke to me like nothing had happened which I was completely perplexed by. She mentioned nothing about why I had upset her so much as to cut me off and tbh I was so caught off guard that she was talking to me that I stupidly didn’t question her. Ann knows about the situation and how much it has upset me and has agreed that it is all very odd and immature on the girls part but has expressed she has always felt she was a volatile character. They don’t have any connection whatsoever apart from through me so it didn’t impact a relationship between them.

Anyway, I received a very random message from Ann last Sunday after seeing on Instagram she had been out with her friends the previous night. She thanked me for all of my support and said she wanted to treat us to dinner. This seemed a little out of character but I thought it was nice she acknowledged me and I then felt guilty about how I’d been feeling towards her recently and told myself I’d maybe been too harsh in my judgement as we are all imperfect but she has a good heart and does seem to care. We had further conversations throughout the week which were nice but as before it turned into her telling me all of what is going on in her life and not asking much about mine, something I brushed off given the message on Sunday.

Fast forward to Thursday, I met up with a friend (also from the holiday) at the pub who slipped up that her and ex friend had arranged and met up with Ann and her friends for a meal and a night out last Saturday and they had an amazing time. This took me aback as I have never been invited out with this group of Ann’s friends and wasn’t invited by her or my own friends for that matter despite the fact it was in the village that I live in (which Ann does not frequent),I had no plans and she hadn’t mentioned any of it to me in all of our conversations in the week (despite telling me the ins and outs of some very personal things and asking for advice) I tried not to react but feel really pissed off about it. My friend was going on how amazing Ann is and how they all get on so great. I find it all a bit sly as Ann has had nothing good to say about my ex friend or really kept in touch. I feel the message on Sunday was sent to me out of guilt for not including me perhaps? AIBU to feel left out and like I can’t trust them? I’m really confused/sad and don’t know what to do as I feel I’m good enough to offload on but not good enough to share in the good times.

I know I don’t own people and they can see who they like, but I find it odd that it hasn’t been mentioned, even when my friend told me you could see she hadn’t meant to and was kicking herself. It was so awkward, I just backed off from saying anything further. It’s worth nothing that hypocritically, a few years ago Ann fell out with someone and was upset that one of her other friends still spoke to her, eventually giving her an ultimatum that her was her or this girl. I haven’t approached Ann yet and wanted some advice what others would do?

Do you think Ann orchestrated the fall out between you and your ex friend?

She doesn't seem to have any respect for you at all. Why hide this information from you? Why take no interest in you and your life? Why have different standards for how friends behave after two people fall out? Why doesn't she socialise with you when she's clearly capable of going out and having fun? Has she pretended that you two are no longer friends, so she can't be seen out with you?

But anyway, what do your gain from this friendship, given that she doesn't seem to like you? How could she like you, she knows almost nothing about you?

She doesn’t sound like a friend , ditch her and concentrate on genuine friendships

End the ‘friendship’ with Ann as it sounds very messy and toxic. She’s trying to isolate you so you depend on her more and don’t question your interactions so that you’re grateful for any ‘crumbs’ of interest from her.

I don’t think she orchestrated the fall out but come to think of it she has seen this girl on occasion since and hasn’t done anything to help it either like ask why, but then again she might not want to be involved as like I said I didn’t think she was close to ex friend . I do like you have said find it odd that she expects loyalty from her other friend but hasn’t applied that logic here.

She is kind and thoughtful at times and we had fun in our younger days but we talk mostly about our DC with the occasional joke but the conversations do always end up being brought back to her and about a current drama in her life that she needs advice on which is why I’ve tried to back off recently although we are still in contact.

I think the upsetting thing is it’s made me think of my other friends too as they haven’t said anything either and when I did find out it clear the friend who revealed it had slipped up. The night also was orchestrated well enough on Instagram that none of my friends were included in any posts knowing I would see it. I’ve tried to look at it from the angle that they might not want to upset me or it be awkward as ex friend was there, but ultimately I haven’t done anything that anybody can explain and so it seems clear they have chosen Ann over me.

its a situation that encompasses all of my friends really as my circle has got smaller over the years which is why I feel isolated and wasn’t sure how to approach it.

I think she most probably did orchestrate it.

I would drop Ann like a hot potato. She is dangerous and not a friend.

As for your other friends that went along on a night out & excluded you, I think this is also shitty behaviour. Only you know if it’s worth staying friends with this group. Either way I would feel compelled to ask why you weren’t invited. As I was reading I also wondered if Ann orchestrated the fall out with your friend.

I would feel very hurt in your shoes 🌺

Ok - so Ann I'd say forget and disengage. Life's too short to spend it being unhappy when you have other friends. Sounds like she's likely to be a frenemy. Just do the slow fade. Your other friends who went out with her I'd just ask why they didn't invite you? Just say you were a bit surprised and ask why - no judgment but you just wondered how it came about as you'd be keen to join next time. I'd ask in person so they can't easily evade it and you can make sure you get the tone right. Be warned though there's a good chance that Ann is on manoeuvres and if you do phase her out she will try to take your friends.

Thank you - I do feel very hurt and isolated

I’ve never really thought about her having anything to do with the fall out with my other friend although it still after a year is a complete mystery. I did sense some jealousy from my ex friend about my friendship with Ann as she’s a very charismatic person who people seem to be drawn to and they got on on holiday and in the times we had met up since. Maybe she resented that as apart from the group, she has no other female friends (which ironically may be a situation I am about to face 😕)

Sorry to post as I actually have no advice, but I think you sound like a really bloody good friend and you don't deserve what these shitty people, especially horrible Ann, have done to you. The ex friend is not worth your headspace if she just cut you off with no explanation or without even speaking to you about it. Ann sounds like a selfish drain, and I agree with PP that unfortunately it sounds like she is trying to take your friends because she's clearly noticed you're phasing her out.
Focus on the people you do care about, who being positive energy to your life. Arrange your own socials, fun nights out or whatever. And don't invite Ann!

At risk of creating more drama, out of principle I'd really want to meet up with the other friends and tell them everything you have said here - about Ann, the ex friend, and how you have tried so hard to be a good friend and are really hurt. I'd want to get my side of the story out, just to make sure they have the full story.

But then that could be poor advice. I really feel for you OP and I'm sorry you're in this position. You're worth more!! Don't let her ruin your friendship circle.

Thank you - I am going to ask them but assume I’m going get the explanation that they didn’t because ex friend was out and didn’t want to upset me or it be awkward blah blah.

I did think if I cut Ann off which seems on the cards, I certainly won’t be getting future invites because they don’t seem to value me enough to have invited me (and went to lengths to cover it - Instagram etc) even when we are friends , nevermind when I’m not friends with someone else.

If it were me, I would confide in one of my school friends, the one who I'm closest to (and one who doesn't politely disingage from difficult conversations), and just say how I'm feeling about it all.

I had this recently where one friend was trying to sabotage the friendships of several people but nobody said anything because he would say "I'm a private person, please don't talk about me to anyone else". One day, by accident, I mentioned something to another friend, who had been told a completely different version of events to what I knew. After that we compared notes about a lot of things and it turned out that our whole group of friends were unknowingly involved in a complected web of lies told by that one person, and we were all being manipulated to one degree or another. A month ago, I would never have guessed that he would do something like this. I knew he lied a bit, but mostly I trusted him.

Thank you - I think that is what I am going to do when I see them in person. I was able to speak to my sister about it but being the protective big sister she is, she just said none of them are your friends if they can sit in a pub near your house knowing they are only connected by you and not think to invite you. She said the message was clear - I wasn’t wanted. Maybe she is right.

sorry that happened to you, it’s crazy how a small conversation unravels so much of what you think is the truth about someone. Have you cut contact or confronted him?

No, I haven't confronted him. About 6 months ago, I stupidly confided in him about something which few other people know. I'm scared to fall out with him now, in case he makes it public (although he might have already, for all I know).

Me and the other friend who I spoke to have just quietly distanced ourselves from that group. They weren't my main group of friends, so it's not the end of the world. There was one friend who I liked so much in our group, and that friend suddenly turned on me one day. I now know why. But we haven't spoken since early January, so it would be really odd to start a conversation now and say "hey, you were manipulated". I don't think I'd be believed and I don't want to anger the manipulative friend in case he tells my secrets. Fun, eh?!

Your sister is spot on.

You'd be better having no 'friends' than being part of a toxic group. Zero friends is neutral, choosing to be around one or more people who purposely excludes you is a deficit.

It will be difficult at first but you're not at school now, you don't have to see them.
Be open to new opportunities and try to surround yourself with real people with good morals. You have had your time with them but if they've chosen a path you don't like (being shit to you as a vulnerable friend) then don't try to follow them down it.

If you're living in a village with a close connection to high school relationships you might've lost a bit of perspective. Do something unexpected for yourself that takes you out of your usual routine and try that old thing of asking what you'd want from life for your kids - it wouldn't be these people.

Thank you - it’s been hard to take and I’ve racked my brain over it for the last couple of days and do aim to speak to them but think that maybe this is the beginning of the end and whilst it’s going to be hard like you say, maybe I’m better for it long term.

on reflection some of my school friends are simply friends these days because we have known each other so long. Not sure how much we align with our interests etc.

i do wish sometimes I’d done the whole moving away thing growing up as it’s not easy when some of them live on the next street 😕