School mums ignoring me

[Struggle1]

I’m really struggling with my mental health right now. I feel lonely and isolated. Yesterday was very difficult, I have recently been taking DS to breakfast club and AFC so I didn’t have to bump into anyone as I feel so low but yesterday the after school care was cancelled so I was there same time as other mums. They all seem so bonded, they were standing around chatting and laughing. 2 of the mums are mothers of my sons best friend. The 3 boys play together. I know the other 2 have meet-ups but never invite me. I did walk past and say hello and they replied but they went back to their conversation, I didn’t feel I could interrupt.

He’s in reception btw.

To be fair, you don't know them yet as you have been using wraparound to avoid people. It can take time.

This is not personal. If you have been dropping off to BC and ASC they probably haven’t and have got into habits talking to one another. This doesn’t mean they don’t like you.

Often when we feel down we can give off vibes of not wanting to talk to people - I know I do.

The school playground can be hard but I am sure there are others who feel like you. They may not be your son’s friend’s parents, but there will be someone.

if you want to make friends you might have to start doing direct school drop offs and understand it will take time to be included. But only do this if your mental health can cope.

good luck!

@Barrenfieldoffucks ive only been using wrap around this week and the week before Easter hols. I made an effort in the beginning to say good morning and invite people for coffee which a few of them did come to but it feels like the’ve all got closer. I struggle in big groups that’s why I did one to one coffee. They had a night out which I went to at Xmas and they all seemed to have hit it off but I feel I didn’t. It’s a small village school with only 18 kids and one form entry.

Gently - they didn't ignore you, they just didn't involve you in a conversation they were already having.

Have you tried starting a conversation with any of them?

At the end of the day, it's just school. Having children in the same class may be the only thing the parents have in common. As long as the children have friends, that's all that really matters.

I have recently been taking DS to breakfast club and AFC so I didn’t have to bump into anyone
I know the other 2 have meet-ups but never invite me.
Sorry to hear you are feeling low. You have been actively avoiding people, and it seems like you now want to suddenly reverse that, but unfortunately nobody knows you did a u-turn. Unfortunately, people won't usually invite out those who actively avoid them, so if you want meet-ups, then you will need to start sending invitations.

On another note, keep inviting for those one to one coffees. I don’t like bigger groups either.

As I say to my teen, you haven’t found your tribe yet and they may not be linked to school. Not a reflection on you at all.

If it is of any help you sound quite similar to me. During DC1’s time it took me four years to find my group of friends (6 of us and half of those did not have a child in DC1’s year). Years later they are still my friends. Dc2 year not one friend did I make! I spoke to people etc but they just weren’t people I wanted to be friends with outside the school gates. However, you might have walked past and said I really fitted in, but it was all superficial. Give it time OP and be kind to yourself.

I'm great in big groups, and still prefer a 1-1 coffee sometimes, it's fine to just organise whatever you want to do.

Hey honey. I have 3 kids and have been doing school runs for 6 years. I just want to reassure you that this isn't personal at all. Majourity of us find the hanging in the playground with people you don't really know hard. Its really awkward. Even if you see smiles and confidence, they might be miserable or anxious inside. Esp if they are neuro divergent. My advice is to breathe and don't panic. Saying hello like u did, is perfect. If someone catches your eye smile and nod or mouth hello and wait to see if they approach. Most people don't stop what they r saying when another person walks towards them but if u wait for a bit, they may turn around and ask how you are when they are finish.

You’ve been avoiding people and using afc, of course they are closer to others than to you. You feel more comfortable in one to one meetings but maybe they don’t. Why don’t you try asking your DS friends round for a play date or to the park after school and their mums will come to and you can chat to them more?

So its not them. Your post speaks negatively of them an appropriates blame and the lack of relationship on them.

They haven't done anything wrong. They are naturally forming relationships and friendships with people they are genuinely getting along with.

Your son may get on with the other two boys but that doesn't obligate the parents to invite you both around.
If you want these friendships you have to work on overcoming your issues. Nobody is going to do this for you.

They didn't ignore you at all. Some people are already naturally forming into groups, you are choosing not to have done that by avoiding being there when they are. Over time if you're at the school each day and if your children are meeting after school natural friendships will likely form.

I understand this completely as had near identical situation. You did great saying hello, when you do that next time stand beside them so when they finish their conversation you can jump in with a question. Even a simple how was your Easter, any weekend plans, comment on the weather. If they start to engage, as most will , then do the same next time. If you don't feel you can go to standing right beside them then stand close by and smile if you make eye contact. You need to reinforce to them you are open to conversation as sometimes you might not have given these vibes.

You're currently struggling so it is understandable that you have percieved this small interaction the way you have but try take a step back and see that it isn't how you see it. They didn't ignore you.

Perhaps you can arrive a bit earlier to try and bump into one of them first, then maybe when the other arrives you can all talk together instead of feeling like you'd be interrupting a conversation? Maybe approach both and invite them and your sons friends around one afternoon so they can get to know you a bit better and maybe your confidence will improve and you'll feel more comfortable with them?

I didn't have this issue with my daughter through primary school, it was such a big school that most people stood on their own and were not interested in interacting and those that did sounded like a Jeremy Kyle show (think groups of women talking very loudly about people they didn't like, arguments and fights they'd had, discussing which social worker they had been given etc.) I was thrilled when she hit year 5 and we were allowed to let them walk in and out alone, I waited in the car!

I used to cry after some school runs - I went through a phase of finding them incredibly difficult.
I can be a bit of an oddball and float in and out of mental health phases of difficulty.
There are days when I could talk to anyone and days where i felt incredibly alone and shunned.
I found out by accident one day that I was excluded from the class wattsap and various dinner parties etc.
This I found shaming.
However after a while I found I didn’t care quite as much and stopped crying, found some great mum friends and accepted I’m not for everyone, nor is everyone for me.
I still secretly hate the fact that i’m not invited to certain things but It’s not going to change by me being upset.Ive always had issues with self esteem and fitting in.( hence i lurk on mumsnet for validation)
I hope you find your people on the school run, one thing to remember or try to remind yourself - wether you do or not, it’s not a reflection on your character or your ability to be liked. School run etiquette is the devils work quite frankly and humans are weird, we get weirder in school runs !!