I don’t like my daughters friend

[theprincessthepea]

My DD is 11. She has been close friends with a girl who I will call Dani. Their friendship is on an off. My DD has said that Dani isn’t a good friend but she is fun. Dani’s mum thinks my DD is a good influence on her child (Dani can be rude to her mum - tells her to shut up or gets angry if her mum suggests something) so Dani’s mum always invites my DD over to theirs.

I don’t like Dani because:

• She went into my DDs phone at a sleepover - figured out her password - then took screenshots and shared with friends
• when we went cinema she stood behind me whilst I was making payment screaming “I know your pin!”
• She doesnt listen to anyone - does what she wants - and is disrespectful towards her mum
• If she is asking for something from anyone she screams the request - example she asked me for a lift home and was screaming down the phone in the background whilst my DD was trying to locate me through the line

I have my reasons for not liking this friend and other parents find her a pain and negative influence too. My DD knows how I feel as she has ranted about this friend many times. Last week my DD wasn’t speaking to Dani - this week they are best friends.

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable - I haven’t gone into lots of detail but I just don’t like this friend. I want to hear from parents that have been in this situation. AIBU to be annoyed at their friendship and to not want my DD “hanging out” with Dani. How have you dealt with this feeling?

Suck it up, buttercup.

The friends I liked best were the ones my DM made it clear she disliked.

Primary or secondary school. If primary, will they be off to different secondary schools?

The friends I liked best were the ones my DM made it clear she disliked.

^ definitely! They're the most fun when you're a teenage

Be firm and don’t take any nonsense. When she’s at your house or when you are out with them explain clearly what your expectations are. Any deviation and she’s straight home. We had one of those when mine were little and she knew the score and behaved.

You have to be really careful here. What I would do is try to get her to mix with nicer girls and very subtly say what a nice time she had had playing with them. How old is your daughter?

I am so sorry, I realised she was 11 as soon as I asked the question! I'm tired!

Don't allow any shit whatsoever from Dani. pull her up.instantly.
Say why.
Make sure you and dd have lots of fun time together. Chatting I mean. Your dd should be horrified at Dani rudeness to you. Even if she is secretly admiring Dani

I can tell you right now if anyone had shared pics like that they would not be my friend and presune dani and the school are aware of your displeasure. She is not your dds friend.
Your dd does not have to put up with this exhausting acquaintance. This is not friendship.

First if she was screaming at me I'd very sharply say SHUT UP or you won't be coming here again. I'm not your mother so I don't have to put up with it, get some respect, your not funny. Phones, I'd say all phones are to be left here with me while your at my house, you don't need them till your going home.
Tbh she sounds like she's got problems and her mother needs to get it sorted or she will have no friends or end up in a lot of trouble.

Sadly I think I was probably a bit like Dani at her age.

I think banning your dd from seeing her will make her the martyr and you the baddie in your dd's eyes. You're better off pulling up on Dani when she's rude and doing positive reinforcement when she's polite. Parenting her a bit basically.

You're not doing it for Dani's benefit, you're doing it for your daughter

They're might be a lot of kindness and good character under the rudeness. Certainly your dd sees something there worth being friends with.

This, say all of it don't let her stay over or your Dd stay at hers if she can't behave, my dds are adults but if I came across a kid I wasn't keen on I just let them be friends at school as much as I could.

When I was a teenager I had a friend my mum took a dislike to.
She admitted years later if friend was around she would hide her purse and lock her bedroom door .
I thought my friend was great at the time but the friendship never lasted much longer than a year or two .

My dd had a friend like this. Very dominating girl. Told dd what's what. Loud, rude. I didn't like the girl but also I kind of felt sorry for her.
Out of the blue, the family moved - quite some distance away.
DD didnt actually seem upset at all about the move and some years later admitted she was relieved the girl had moved.

The first point alone makes Danni sound awful

What I do is talk it out with my dd ‘so did you notice when dani did x, what did you think about that’? It can be useful really to talk about why that behaviour isn’t good, and what it can point to. My dd is still friends with a girl who has some nice qualities but is mostly really horrible to her mum and most other adults for some reason that beats me.

Yep. My mum didn't like Carol, wanted me to play with Linda. Didn't happen.

Watch out for your dd, Dani has no respect for her. She may even be bullying her, listen to your gut.