TW - child has self-harmed again

[Jeanetmarre]

Background. Teenager with recent ND diagnosis. Currently medicated for anxiety/depression. Came back from school with cut marks again up their arm. Not life threatening and not fresh. I just didn't notice (in my defence it's been chilly here so they've been wearing longsleeves all week). They're quite blasé/dismissive.

I feel like a terrible parent and that I'm failing them. I fear this will escalate. GCSEs are imminent.

I have said that getting healthier is more important than exams but they have rigid thinking and insist they need to do them now.

Any suggestions on how best to support?Positive stories from people who've experienced similar?

I don’t have any experience of raising teens but I was an anxious teen (no self harm) but around exam time/revision I would fall apart. Crying hysterically, convincing myself I would fail (I always got good grades)

Again, there was no convincing me to relax about it and not to focus too much on my studies.

What helped me was my dad would sit in my room and read/or watch tv quietly, while I studied. He never said anything, never helped me revise unless I specifically asked. He would make us snacks and hot drinks. I felt safe and calmer with him there. Sometimes I would be up late, and he always stayed until I packed up. Its what got me through my exams and stopped me spiralling into a really negative headspace

I am sorry this is happening 💐. I went through it with DS.

Having gone through a range of emotions and responses, my suggestion is don't make an issue out of it.

What I ended up doing was making him a hot chocolate and some biscuits, I would say I had noticed the cuts and remember that if he needed to talk, please let me know.

I found that being over dramatic didn't help. What I wanted, long term, was for him to talk to me and tell me when he was struggling or getting the urge.

I made some laminated cards, one was red. If he quietly waved the red card at me, then I knew he wanted to talk. We got to that point after months of trial and error and me being over worried.

In the end I found I had to remove the emotion from the situation and deal with the events in front of me, not wringing my hands and wondering what I had done wrong.

It's tough. We had a few trips to A&E in the middle of the night when we couldn't stop the bleeding.

Hang in there, don't get overly emotional about it, make sure they know you will listen without criticism.

Be kind to yourself. This is not your fault.

Thanks @Solgrass . Your Dad sounds lovely.

@Createausername1970 i'm so sorry your son and you experienced this. I hope things are better now. you're absolutely right about not making a drama out of it. Very hard in the moment though. Must practice!

Five years on and he pretty much doesn't do the major cutting any more. That mainly stopped around 2 years after it started. It was 100% due to academic and peer stresses.

He was homeschooled for a few years because he wasn't coping in secondary school. As soon as he was out of school all his tics disappeared and he was a joy all day long. Put him back in to the education system a couple of years later when he was 14 to do GCSE's and within 3 months he was self harming and smoking weed!

As soon as I agreed he could leave the education system again (didn't get any GSCEs anyway) and take a few months out to chill and consider what to do next, the self harming started to decline. Then we went into lockdown and he actually improved no end then, because he was under no pressure from any one to do anything.

Now he is working and does get some pressures, he mainly chews the backs of his hands. I haven't seen any signs of cutting for ages.