Table manners

[Higglings]

Am I unreasonable to hate looking at my partner when we're eating because he holds his knife like a pencil. It really grates my nerves.

I'd dump him for this! 😅

I hate that too.
When I'm out in restaurants and see young adults ( age @ 20 to 35) holding their knives and forks by the tips of their fingers with their hands pointing down very awkward..or like you say like a pencil.
Obviously they have not be taught correctly as children.

Glad it's not just me. How can I say something though?

I honestly don't find the rules about how one holds a knife or which hand one holds one's cutlery in relevant. Etiquette should be about making others comfortable. Eating with one's mouth closed because it's unpleasant to see half chewed food, still makes sense as a modern etiquette rule. It make no difference to me how others hold their cutlery, and I'd suggest making others uncomfortable is a larger faux pas than holding a knife differently. And I hold my cutlery in the standard way, so it's not like I'm being defensive about that.

There's a (probably apocryphal) story about Queen Victoria who, when a guest drank from the finger bowl, also drank from the finger bowl ensuring that the guest felt comfortable. To me, that's what the spirit of etiquette is, rather than knowing what the finger bowl is for (or how to hold a knife) in the first place.

How should you hold it?

This.

LTB

How about this:

‘DP, I know it’s shallow & judgemental of me, but I have been conditioned to cling to pointless outdated ideas about things which don’t matter, such as how people hold cutlery, in order to look down on people and discriminate against those with less privileged upbringings. So please will you pander to this nonsense to make me feel less insecure about my own social position?’

I'm curious about the answer too.

There are certain table manners I care about like chewing with your gob closed and not slurping soup but how someone holds cutlery doesn't strike me as a big deal.

I was invited to dinner at a new boyfriends house many years ago. I noticed a spoon instead of a fork and a knife at my place setting, that’s how they ate mince and potatoes, I had to ask for a fork. I let it go and we arranged dinner the following week, he used his fork like a shovel and never used his knife, that was the end for me. I always notice people’s table manners and holding a knife like a pencil would annoy me. Table manners were drummed into us by my parents for as long as I remember.

Make a game of it, ask him what he finds really annoying about you too.

I just arrived at the table and my SO was eating dinner with a dessert spoon. I commented and then took my dinner elsewhere.

Their other trick, when they do eat with a knife and fork it to noisily clean knife with fork after every mouthful. - I have just realised that if I sit him opposite DC that I don't have to listen to all the noise.

So I understand OP.

Honestly I couldn't get worked up about that, at least he's using a knife. My in laws only use a fork and it's so confusing watching them struggle to cut things with the side of the fork when there's literally a knife in front of them.

😂😂😂

I wouldn’t class that as bad manners. Eating loudly, burping, starting your meal before everyone has been served….they are bad manners. I think most people naturally, eventually, hold their cutlery the ‘correct’ way. But it’s a bit like a pencil grip when you are actually writing with a pencil. Most do it the ‘right’ way, but a few (like my son, for example) hold it in a seemingly bizarre fashion. But it works, and is comfortable for them. It doesn’t affect anyone else, so…?

I don’t understand how you mean. I’m off to Google to try and find a picture!

3 minutes later and I still can’t find a picture of how you mean OP. This is gonna bother me

If you google holding knife like pen, plenty of photos show up

I know exactly what you mean and it would get right on my tits.

Table manners aren't elitist - they're the exact opposite! Anyone can have nice table manners. Although they should be taught in childhood - I fear it's too late for adults who use their knives and forks like daggers and shovels (and pens).

Unfortunately the only thing worse than bad table manners is pointing out other people's bad table manners so you'll have to keep schtum.

I actually saw that one but it made me even more confused😅 how would one cut the food in that position? I also don’t hold a pen like that so I don’t get it😅

It was on MN that I found out that you are meant to eat peas on the back of the fork... which makes no damn sense to me.

If it gets the food to your mouth without carnage, then I don't care. I am always enjoying my own meal too much to give a shit about how other people are holding cutlery. We are not eating in the presence of royalty.

YABU not to have enabled voting so it could be settled once and for all. Suggest you sit on the same side of the table so you can't see him. Or use larger flowers in your table decoration to block the view.

You can eat peas on the back of the fork or 'normally'. What you are supposed to do, though, is push them onto your fork from the side with a knife and not shovel them on by digging into a pile of them using the points of the tines like a spade.

You would hate eating with my half Iranian husband, OP. Table manners are Persian- hands are involved, crispy rice is used as a utensil... you would feel so uncomfortable as you expect everyone to be posh. You sound like an annoying MC boomer.

YABU for letting him get to status of “partner”.

I discovered this about a chap once on a second date. There obviously wasn’t a third.