Unsympathetic friend

[WhoSaidWhat123]

A few years ago I had treatment on my cervix for abnormal cells that were hpv and were grade 2 then more treatment when I had grade 3 at a check up a year later. Before my treatment one of my best friends said “oh I had the worst grade cells ever before and I was fine. I almost had to have a hysterectomy but the cells disappeared the following week.”

So from this I felt kind of fobbed off, like I had nothing to worry about (which I wasn’t overly worried about because at least the cells were being treated). But very unsupported like it was nothing. ALSO, I feel like it’s a lie because I’ve known my friend for years, since primary school. Never had this been mentioned before. And never would they do a hysterectomy on someone in their early 20’s unless it WAS cancer I would have thought, and had been told by a specialist when I went for my treatment (twice!). I was told they would only do a hysterectomy if the cells were recurring and further treatment wasn’t possible, because there’s only so much LLETZ that can be done as some of your cervix is being removed.

Anyway, I didn’t say anything, just brushed it off and carried on with my treatment and check ups quietly.

And now, 5 years later, I’m having issues again. This time I have to have a hysterescopy and a colposcopy for investigations, these are being done the following week. I was catching up with my friend and just mentioned it and she said “oh yeah I’ve had those two, I almost had to have a hysterectomy because I had grade 3 and they could see the cancer cells developing from this new scan they had at the time, but a week later when I had a check up they were completely gone.” Again I said nothing, and came away a bit annoyed because I am worried. I have 2 young children and it’s just the unknown until you’ve had the biopsies and the results and you want to talk about it with a friend.

AIBU to think next time I should call her out because I’m pretty certain she’s lying, or exaggerating on what really happened, or just let it be and stop being petty that I feel unsupported?

She’s told the same tale several years apart so why would you think she’s lying. She’s probably just trying to reassure you, albeit in a clumsy manner.

I would be suspicious too. I would just ask her loads of questions. Which doctors did you see? etc

But also I have had bad cells and I don't even tell anyone because I don't like or care for a fuss and would probably act in a similar way to her with the aim to reassure you.

I YABU to think she's lying - why would she lie about that? When she says she 'almost had to have a hystorectomy' it may be that when malignant cells were identified the doctor talked her through the possible consequences and that understandably that was the one that stuck in her mind. So yes YWBU to 'call her out'. However you are not U to find her reaction unsupportive. Hope you find someone better to talk it through with and good luck.

What’s going to be the benefit of “calling her out”? She’s hardly going to say “oh yes, you got me, I was lying”, and you actually have no idea whether she’s telling the truth or not. You’re not going to achieve anything. Besides which, surely if she was prone to lying or exaggerating for sympathy, she wouldn’t just make two offhand comments five years apart instigated by you, she’d milk her story for all it was worth at any opportunity. It sounds more as though she is telling the truth, but as she didn’t find it concerning herself she’s being similarly blaise about you. It can feel upsetting when friends don’t take our problems as seriously as we think they should, but everyone has different ways of dealing with and thinking about health issues and one of your other friends who copes in a similar way to you is probably a better bet if you want a good vent.

I think she’s lying because whenever someone brings something up, she always has had the same, if not worse.

When our other friend said she has IBS, this friend now has coeliac disease, but continues to eat kfc, kebabs, bread, pizza etc.

Other friend has dairy intolerance and doesn’t eat cheese or have milk etc of course. This friend now has the same, but I’ve always known her to have milk.

This friend had also said she believed she had cancer when the doctors told her she just had inflammation on her tonsils which was treated. Someone then told me in a shocked way how they heard that doctors are thinking so and so has cancer but nothing ever came of it because it was just inflammation. This was years ago now too.

Maybe I should live and let live. I just felt like I was being fobbed off from something that is actually happening and I am going through it.

I think that's fair.

I also think you're confusing two issues, OP. Whether or not you think she's lying, and whether you think that, regardless, she's not being sufficiently sympathetic.

Ultimately it doesn't matter whether these investigations didn't worry her when they happened. You get to decide your own level of upset.

Your experience is common for many women. I've had similar myself but never thought to mention it, it's never come up. Could you reframe what your friend is saying as sharing her experience with you, and hoping you'll not worry as it all turned out fine?

What is it you want from her? Some people are just like this where they think they are helping by pointing out to try not to worry as they have been through similar...

AIBU to think next time I should call her out because I’m pretty certain she’s lying, or exaggerating on what really happened, or just let it be and stop being petty that I feel unsupported?

I suppose it depends what you want from the friendship. It would be lovely to have the support you would like and need but not everybody can offer that, whether it be down to inability or lack of care. It's true enough that it's at times like this you find out who your friends are and I really don't think you're being petty for being disappointed in her

If you value other aspects of her friendship then I'd probably just keep quiet because you may lose her if you call her out on it.

I hope you'll be okay

YABU to expect something to result from "calling her out."*

She has told you about this several years apart. Either it's the gospel truth, it's how she understood what's happened with her health, or she'd so wedded to this story she tells herself that she'll only argue the toss with you.

She may be telling you to allay your fears; she may be telling you to minimise your news. Who knows. But it doesn't matter. She's not someone you find it useful or ressuring to discuss this matter with, so learn from that and talk about it with others.

I hope your colonoscopy goes ok and that you're given the all clear. It can be very worrying, easpecially the element of the unknown. Very best of luck 💐

*NB - the second I see "shall I call X out..." in a thread title, I know the answer is a resounding NO. Are the other posters the same? Does any good ever gome of "calling someone out?" It seems code for "pick a fight' really, and most counterproductive.

WTF?

She's clearly trying to reassure you with her story, not 'fob you off'.

Plus she's said the same thing twice so what is there to 'call out'?

Just concentrate on yourself and your health. It sounds like you're fixating on this by way of avoidance, which whilst understandable, will not end well.

I know a few people that have had abnormal cells removed (to varying degrees of severity) and they’ve all been fine, went on to have kids etc… they have regular checks up to keep an eye on things and have treatment if needed.

It must be worrying but it unfortunately seems quite common. Who knows if she’s lying, it would be a strange thing to lie about. It sounds like as a pp said, and that she’s trying to reassure you, though you feel it’s insensitive of her as she’s playing it down.

The amount of people on here that ask for positive only experiences is high because people want hope, they don’t want to hear all the negative outcomes as that would cause worry.

Anyway I hope you’re ok and all goes well and try not to take it as a
negative on her part as it won’t make you feel better. Take care

To add - I’m also currently under treatment for Stage 1 cervical cancer. I’m not especially worried about it and I haven’t really told anyone - ultimately, healthcare is doing all it can and if I die, I die, there’s no point dwelling on things I can’t do anything about. That’s just my attitude towards health stuff. I’d therefore probably not be the best person to speak to for lots of gushing support, but my lack of interest in telling all my friends about it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.

Sounds like she's just trying to reassure you that these things can turn out to be nothing to worry about. Would you prefer her to be a voice of doom and start telling you that you should be ultra-worried? She's shared a positive story with you. I'd be really grateful to hear that, if I were in your position.

I recently had a cancer scare and I was a lot happier to hear things like 'Oh, I had something like that and the GP said she could definitely feel a lump and they put me straight on the cancer pathway - turned out to be literally nothing though!' than 'Have you thought about making a will?'

I really don't know why you think she'd lie about this, either.

You don't sound as if you actually like her very much.

Bet she is going to Elevenerife for her holidays.. It is awful when you can see clearly someone is lying.. I had a relative claim they had just had surgery for testicular cancer the day before coming to our home. Never knew they had even seen about a lump... I took a couple of photos of him rolling round the floor with my toddler ds...
She isn't your friend op. Or she would be supporting your whilst keeping her gob shut even if it was true..

I know I don’t fully know her experience so can’t 100% say she’s lying. It’s just from past experiences she’s always been so vocal about her health. And never has she mentioned the cervical issues in the past until I brought it up that I had biopsies done 5 years ago. So I’m almost certain she would have mentioned at the time of her going through it because she mentions everything normally, when she’s in hospital etc. even. There have been times I’ve driven her to the hospital and doctor’s appointments because she doesn’t drive.

And from going for numerous colposcopy appointments and having 2 lots of different treatments, I feel like I have some knowledge of cervical issues to do with abnormal cells and I just remember the specialist saying after my last LLETZ that if the cells are recurring and they take so much of the cervix away that it begins to make pregnancy dangerous then they might suggest hysterectomy then. We spoke about it because I had just had my first and she was talking about my future around more children.

I suspect that there's some truth to what she's saying, but she might not remember well, or maybe a little exaggeration. I'd let it go.

I had very similar issues in my 20s - I had colposcopy and LLETZ (was called LEEP at the time) after my very first smear test. I genuinely don't remember a huge amount of detail, other than the extreme urgency impressed on me by the consultant. I understood the seriousness due to the volume of tissue removed and the discussions about the extent with the junior doctors in the room (teaching case as I was unusually young). I had a recurrence about 6 years later, with a repeat of the procedures (which did leave me unable to have children).

I had those procedures, and at the follow up colposcopy the cells had gone (because the doctors had removed the whole margin). If the cells had remained after treatment, I'm sure more aggressive treatment would have been necessary, perhaps even hysterectomy. I'd hate to be called a liar because I can't remember the name of the doctor or because I didn't tell all (or any) of my friends at the time.

I hope everything turns out ok for you. Obviously you know what sort of person your friend is, so if they are a little bit of an exaggerator, take them with a pinch of salt and let it go. It's shit to feel unsupported, so sympathy on that front.

I wouldn't call her out but I would say "that really isn't helping".

It might be her clumsy attempt at reassurance. It might be a lie or a version of the truth, but you will probably never know. It's unlikely that she will admit it. If you do call her out you could end up looking a bit mean whether it's true or not.

Good luck OP!

My husband may have added fuel to it because I just told him what she said and he just said that she isn’t a good friend to me. Not because of this of course, he’s said it a few times in the past now. So maybe I should think twice about talking to her about anything where I am looking for some reassurance I suppose.

I can see why you are suspicious if she has form for exaggerating or making up health issues. I know someone who does the gluten/lactose intolerant performance and has waiters and chefs running around reassuring her and then hoovers up two slices of someone's leftover pizza 🤔

But there's probably some truth in what she's said because she's told you pretty much the same thing several years apart. If she was bullshitting I would expect the story to be a bit different. It does seem unlikely that she had stage 3 cancer and it just disappeared but maybe she means something a bit different (stage 3 abnormal cells maybe? Which isn't the same as cancer? I don't know the terminology.)

She's probably exaggerating and referring to the worst case scenario possible outcome that was mentioned to her and talked this up to "almost having a hysterectomy". A lot of people do exaggerate and/or misunderstand what medical professionals have said because they were nervous/a bit dim/aren't good at listening properly.

You are right though that it isn't helping. I can see other posters have said she may be trying to reassure you but knowing she is an Elevenerifer, it is more likely that she is not missing a chance to blather about herself. If so that's thoughtless and belittling of your situation and any fears and apprehension you might have. I'm not surprised your husband thinks she's not a good friend. She sounds rather boorish.