Can't let it go

[spanieleyes22]

I have this habit when someone "wrongs" me or hurts me I can't let it go. I keep going over it in my mind. It's been nearly a week since a family member upset me and I want to put it behind me everyone is telling me to forget it and I want to but it keeps coming into my mind. Anyone any tips to speed up the process. I hate myself. I think some people think I'm too weak or not resilient enough

Has the family member apologised?

More information needed to make a judgement here.

What did the family member do? Have they shown any contrition or apologised?

You're not automatically required to "get over" bad treatment. It may be you are well within your rights to be pissed off. I don't know what they did so I can't really advise. But the fact that other people are telling you to get over it doesn't mean you necessarily should.

What did they do?

No apology never will be. Person was very rude to me. There was no chance to say anything or call him out. I had to just put up with it to keep the peace.

Well if they haven't and won't apologise, I don't see why you have to let it go.

It's not uncommon for others to pressure you to let it go because you're the easy target. Why don't they pressure the family member to apologise and make things right? Probably because they know they won't get anywhere...

You can make your own choices OP. I'm not suggesting you should go around holding grudges for every perceived slight but this situation sounds nothing like that.

You don't have to "just put up with" anything to keep the peace. If someone is rude to you and won't apologise there's no obligation on your side to just eat it.

I'm not sure who this relative is or what was said but it's very clear from your post that you're expected to tolerate poor behaviour because that's what's always been done in the past. That may be what your family does but you don't have to fall into line. You can set whatever boundaries you like and it sound as if you should start doing this.

What you can't do is stew and sulk over it and expect to get everyone else on side: its up to them to decide where their loyalties are. You need to take ownership of it and proceed as you see fit.

If your instincts are telling you not to move on from this, listen to them. There's probably a good reason for this.

Do you live with this relative? Are you forced to spend time with them?

I personally would be looking to extricate them from my life. If you're routinely being spoken to rudely by this person and no apology is forthcoming, you don't have to suck it up for your family.

Could you not just tell them exactly how to feel to try unburden yourself?

Agree with what others have said about not accepting bad behaviour - that's a different matter. Set boundaries.

But for the overthinking this is what i do; So when your brain goes to thinking about the situation - Imagine a big red STOP sign appears in front of everything (whether you are a visual mind or not, do whatever makes it work) - just getting bigger and bigger til it takes up the whole field of vision in your minds eye. Have the stop sign place some ear muffs on if its auditory issues you're facing (what about this, what about that etc.) - anything that cuts your train of thought. You are telling yourself to stop. Play the blah di blah di blah in your head if it helps. Don't entertain the thoughts on the issue.

If you start to think again 2 minutes later - do it again, and again, and again... times that you think about it will come less and less.

Another one i use is the bubble technique - where you visage the issue (when it comes to your head) being surrounded by a bubble - the bubble silences any chatter - then you either constrict the bubble to the point it disappears - or you blow it up so large that it pops and disappears. Again you may need to do this several times; but the times will come less and less.

I agree with what others have said about boundaries around rude behaviour.

For the question around how to stop ruminating on a past event i guess there are lots of approaches that might work, apologies if you have tried these already. Is there anything in common in the interactions on the past that have caused you to respond this way?

For ruminating about a relationship/interaction i wonder if writing a letter (but not sending it) to that person would help. The letter gives you a chance to say your piece, to state what they did and why it was hurtful, and then to let it rest in the letter rather than your brain. You can choose what to do with the letter afterwards (tear it up, bury it, burn it, or re-write a softer version when your emotions around the situation are calmer).

Getting 'unstuck' from the thought of emotion itself can be done through a process called cognitive defusion - there are lots of exercises to try this, try looking for things like 'leaves on the stream'. Alternatively give yourself space from thoughts by a bit of verbal trickery .e.g. if you have the thought "he's rude" and it causes an emotional response, try elongating the phrase to "i'm having the thought that he's rude" and then to "i'm noticing that i'm having the thought that he's rude" - it removes some of the punch and gives you space to choose whether it is helpful for you to get stuck with that thought.

You can also try to say 'thanks, brain' for these thoughts (sounds counter intuitive, but bear with me). This gives you a chance to acknowledge your brain is replaying this situation for a reason (such as keeping you safe if there is a next time, giving you time to think of an alternative response, etc), and you can say thanks for it doing this job, and then move past this. It is explained better by Russ Harris here:

For next time, a good response to something rude is:

"I'm sorry, what did you just say?" And then "yeah I thought that's what you said but I just had to check."

It shames the person for saying something rude in a wonderful passive aggressive way. Bonus points if they mumble the comment second time around because repeating it has made them feel ashamed.

Thank you very much for the helpful tips

I can really relate to this. It's because being disrespected is so dismissive of me as a person & I find that intolerable. My issue is usually one of my brothers. Will try to follow the tips on here myself & am constantly telling myself that brother isn't worth my headspace.

Do stand up for yourself though OP, otherwise you'll have to endure this behaviour forever.

You could look at a low intensity CBT tool called Worry Time. You can find a booklet on the Talk Plus website. It might be useful in helping you learning to let things go a little

I would suggest forgiving them. And accept this isn't a one and done action. You feel bad today about something they did last week. Forgive them for making you feel bad today. You feel bad tomorrow, forgive them for making you feel bad tomorrow. And so on, and every time you feel upset, forgive them for what they have made you feel that moment. And keep going like that.

@noshadowatnoon that just sounds like letting people walk all over you. Would it not be better to let someone know when they're being an arsehole rather than constantly trying to make yourself forgive them? I think that you need to be honest and vent your frustrations in order to move on & not build resentment inside.

My sister is like this. She can't ever let anything go and constantly wants a resolution.

Is it possible you're an empath?

I get why you’re annoyed because I get the same when someone pisses me off and has the temerity to not even apologise it goes round in my head making me more annoyed! I’d sure as hell give them a piece of my mind, but ultimately, you cannot control what others do. If they aren’t bothered about apologising, then all you’re doing is hurting yourself by keeping going over something in your head that will never ‘’resolve’’ satisfactorily to you.

Just make a decision in your head that you’ll tell the person how you feel and then not speak to them again if they don’t apologise if that makes you feel better. Guaranteed they will want you before you want them.

When people don’t apologise when they have clearly done something wrong, remember it’s not you, it’s them. They don’t have the emotional maturity to admit to themselves that they are flawed, because if they apologise, they admit fault and in their head that equals the same as being a bad person and it bruises their fragile ego.

Do you feel it's resolved? Did you say what you needed to say?

In terms of how to manage ruminating thoughts the only way is to be aware of them and stop them. So when you get the thought, sit with it but don't feed it just try to breathe through it until it goes away or you get distracted by a different thought.

Meditation and mindfulness training can help.