To think that some people (perhaps a lot) confuse their work colleagues as friends and having a social life?

[woolfcup]

My older sister retired last year, she is 21 years older than me and worked in large busy offices most of her life. Before retiring she would be in the office Monday to Friday would go for lunch with people she was friendly with and there would be fairly regular works night out which she would attend at least part of so she would go to dinner and then go home when the younger one's hit the town.

Since retiring she hasn't seen any of her all workmates although she sometimes interacts with them on Facebook. I think prior to retiring she had most of her social needs met though work and didn't really keep up with friends outside that space as weekends would be for family.

She is now lonely and feels left out, she has applied to a few places to volunteer but hasn't heard back yet. It got me thinking that I think a lot of people are probably the same, that when you work in a place for a few years your colleagues are a big part of your life, you spend 8 hours a day 5 days a week at work with these people and and in a social work setting which for many people is more that enough social contact but then most of the time when you stop working at a place you don't really keep up with those people, even if you'd like to people are busy and it doesn't happen or at least not often.

I worked in a big place in my 20's with lots of other young people and we were out every other week were all very close but when I left to go back to uni to do my masters I only ever saw one or two of them again and I don't even see them now.

I know some people are great at keeping up with lots of people and manage to arrange to meet people for a hour for a coffee or for a quick lunch just to catch up but I think possibly a lot of people are getting there social needs met though work relationships, which for the most part are conditional on both parties working in the same place and which often don't have a life outside that condition and that they aren't nurturing social connections which exist independently of work?

It’s very true. There are women I had lunch with once a week for EIGHT YEARS who completely cut me off when I left that job. They were work friends, nothing more.

There have always been one or two people I keep in touch with from former workplaces/courses etc but I can go years at a time without seeing them.

Most friendships are like that, based on a set of circumstances and conditions that don't last.

Work friends, friends doing a shared activity, neighbours etc. Once the thing that put people together stops, more often than not the friendship will naturally fizzle out.

I left a workplace after 15 years last year and since then I've seen my old workmates many times. Sometimes one on one but also lots of occasions when quite a few of us go out for tea.

Does your sister try and organise to see anyone?

which for the most part are conditional on both parties working in the same place and which often don't have a life outside that condition and that they aren't nurturing social connections which exist independently of work?

Completely agree, especially with this bit. You can also never really be your full self around colleagues because, even if you're socialising outside work, you have to maintain some degree of professionalism. You can't be an emotional mess with them, you can't get off your face at parties with them, you can't tell them your deepest secrets.

In my first office job I got on pretty well with a bunch of colleagues who were the same age as me, fresh out of uni etc. Went drinking with them, had lunch with them, made small talk with them, friended each other on Facebook. But the people I was making real friends with were not people I was working with, they were people I was partying with.

I haven't seen any of those colleagues since the day I left that job and have no desire to. (I think we might all still be FB friends, though my account's been dormant for years so I have no idea really.)

Surely most people make friends as and when they can, as they go through life. If you are lucky and have nice work colleagues then it would be normal to socialise - I'm sure your sister didn't purposely not make friends outside the office, it was just how her life panned out.

It's similar to having friends from the school gate - my best friend of 38 years is one such friend.

Tomorrow I'm hosting three friends I first met at work 20 years ago - we meet up every now and then. So colleagues are just as valid as friends as anyone else you meet in life.

And my oldest friendship is 50 years old - we met as nursing students way back in 1974!

I think she has tried a few times and hopefully that will eventually happen but I think it probably won't be something that happens enough to actually giver her the social contact she needs which is why I think volunteering would be great for her.

I'm retired and see my lovely work and retired work friends probably once a fortnight in some permutation. They are my friends! I'm sad for your sister. Could she initiate something?

@Westfacing I think that these days with facebook and social media that people often feel like they are staying in touch and staying friends when they aren't really. Looking back even I notice the difference between pre and post social media, prior to online connections I think people possibly made more effort to actually meet up or write a personal card or letter where as now its a like or emoji on your post that passes for an interaction.

I retired 5 years ago and have not seen work colleagues since and no real desire to though am in touch with them on Facebook. I was quite anxious before retiring that I would miss the social side of work but I don't. Not at all.

That said my best and oldest friend I did meet through work but she retired before I did.

I left my last job in 2018 through ill health.

My supervisor from then has become my dearest friend. We see each other all the time, we go to the theatre together, have lunch together, and visit each others homes regularly.

We've been on holiday together, going again next month.

Our daughters are at different stages in their lives, so it's not that. We just "clicked"

This is why a pre-retirement course is helpful, because it makes you assess the situation you're currently in and that that you're about to enter if you're giving up work. It's so easy to be with colleagues at work and enjoy their company, because they're there every day and it takes little effort. But colleagues are just colleagues until you socialise outside work and put effort into making a friendship. Some people, you'll be happy to leave behind.

Perhaps once your sister's former colleagues retire, she'll have more opportunities to meet up with them. DH and I now meet up more frequently with former colleagues, now retired, and for the first time are going away with two other couples in September, but we had got to know and socialised with these people when we were all working together 30 years ago.

It's pretty much the same with neighbours.

@Hillarious That is interesting about the pre-retirement course I hadn't heard of that. I know my sister was really looking forward to retirement but its been difficult for her.

I don't know if after covid people are still not quite back int he way of going out and meeting up as much as they used to? I have even noticed it myself amongst some of my friends that its often much longer between meet ups I also think people having young families and cost of living also impacts on peoples ability to socialise.

Friendships are often situational and develop based on spending time together doing a shared activity, be that work or something else.

When the thing stops, then both people have to actively put in effort to maintain the friendship if they want to keep it going.

I think that work colleagues can become friends though, and looking at my own friends, most of them have been people I met within a work place setting.

I attended a pre-retirement course before I left and one of the things they said that we should consider was whether workplace friendships would translate to long term friendships and I've been fairly realistic in assessing who from my most recent office I can see being long term friends. I still see people from a previous workplace fairly frequently though .

I try to organise things so I meet up with a friend or group of friends each week and looking back at things I've done in the last 6 months, I've seen friends met in the workplace about 10 times (different people, sometimes in groups).

The friendships that didn't last with me were the school mum friendships which just petered out during secondary school . I've also lost touch with people from longer ago in my past that I expect I would have kept up with if there had been social media about at the time .

@woolfcup If you're not close to retirement age, the offer of a pre-retirement course wouldn't be on your radar. Any good employer should be offering them.

This is true for the most part. However how else are you meant to make friends other than living life - ie through your matching circumstances of going to the same work/school/baby groups? I have 5 close long term friends, 1 through work, 3 through baby groups, 1 from school. But yes hang on to the actual ones you get on with anrbeveryone else falls away.

Most friends are "lifestyle friends" where you're in the same situation. They can be long lasting and have a lot of depth, but if too much separation of situation develops then they are vulnerable to fading away.

"Soul friends" are rarer but it's that deep personal connection that can transcend time, distance and lifestyles through life's changes.

I've made my soul friends through hobbies and at university. I haven't made any through work, although some can develop that way. Maintaining professionalism can be a hinderence to deepening work friendships.

@BingoMarieHeeler I suppose a lot of people especially in the UK would probably feel like if they were asking for people time to meet up and do something together that they were imposing on people and putting them under pressure to do something they didn't want to or spend money they don't have. It can be tricky to get past that. I feel it myself even with people who have been long time good friends but now they are busy with young kids and don't have time to meet up or if they do then they might not have the money, even just meeting up in a coffee shop can be quite expensive these days.

Our local library has a coffee machine (£1 a pop) and some seating between the book stacks and its pretty clear people are meeting friends for a coffee in the Library now which is totally fine but I've had the stink eye from a few when I've been trying to browse the stacks next to where they are sitting chatting like they think I am listening it when I just want to check out the cookery books! Other than that I can't say I blame them as the only other cafe in town an americano is £4! Cost of living is a factor.

you can’t generalise. It’s like saying that friends you make at uni or your kids’ school can’t be real friends either because it’s also through circumstance. I have a set of good friends that I met through work 18 years ago. We left the company at different times but none of us have worked there for over 15 years. Yet we’re still friends.

I think people fall into this behaviour.

Life is busy. You are at work, you have kids, a partner.

Friends aren’t available because of the above.

So you socialise day-to-day with whoever is around, and if you’re working full time that’s your colleagues.

As for losing tough… I think 95% of people I’ve been friends with I no longer see or speak to, so much is circumstances.

As a full-time working parent (with everyone I know in the same situation!) I struggle to find time to see friends much. I think without good relationships with the people I see at work I’d feel quite lonely tbh.