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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He says I'm a lazy C...

23 replies

goatinthekitchen · 18/04/2024 23:18

Recently I gave up my part time job as it was affecting my mental health and I decided to stay home with my 7 and 2 year old before youngest starts school.

I haven't been well this week, stomach pains, trouble eating and just struggling. I have health anxiety so I struggle quite badly mentally when I have health issues too.

Partner is out at work 6am-7pm on a Thursday, then goes to darts at the pub 8pm until 11ish. He said he'd sort his own tea out. I put a pizza for me and youngest in to share as I said I'm not eating much. Partner comes in and assumes pizza is for him too, kicks off saying I've not cooked enough. I said you said you were sorting your own??

He called me a lazy cunt, he said that his workmates asked today "what do I actually do" as he brought warm up bolognaise in for lunch and when they asked if I'd done it he said no of course not he cooked it, he said I don't bother with the kids I don't deserve them I gave up work cos I'm lazy not to be with the kids, he does everything, he hopes whatever is wrong with me is cancer then I'll get what I want and everyone will pander to me.... I can't even remember what else he said. He said I'm "jealous of him having hobbies" (going to the pub?) and that's why I hadn't cooked tea as I was trying to sabotage him going. Reminds me he pays for everything and I couldn't manage to work 2 days a week. I'm nasty, an awful person. Think that's the jist of it.

I need to leave but I have no where to go and he won't leave this house.

OP posts:

Onetiredbeing · 18/04/2024 23:23

That's just awful op. Hugs. He is just cruel for saying these things.

RomeoRivers · 18/04/2024 23:23

Wow. I’m so sorry your ‘D’P is such a hideous human being. Nobody should be spoken to like that, least of all by the person who is supposed to love you.

Can you go to your parents’, family member or close friend’s house?

FetchezLaVache · 18/04/2024 23:25

But he said he'd sort his own tea out! I really think your mental health would improve drastically if you had a break from this horrible man. He hopes you have cancer??? Jesus H. Christ.

Sounds like you're not married - someone will be along with better advice than I can give, but you must start looking into what you'd be entitled to if you were to leave. Is he the father of both children?

Sending you a virtual hand-hold.

CatamaranViper · 18/04/2024 23:47

Contact women's aid. They can help you make a plan to leave, find somewhere to go etc. Do not let this arsehole be your jailor

Marbledleaves678 · 18/04/2024 23:48

Oh op. The minute a dp said to me that he hoped I died of cancer, I would be immediately taking myself and my dc away to stay with a close family member or friend. Is there really no one you can go to?

This man is horrible. He calls you lazy when you are recovering from being ill and have looked after two young dc alone virtually all day long from 6 am until 11 pm?

And he talks about you negatively to his work mates?

Find your anger op! How dare he? 😡

Your mh will improve drastically when you get away from him.

Get your ducks in a row op. There is no respect here. Your relationship is over. He is not your friend. You need to get that job back if you can.

Please reach out to someone.

AppleCrumbleTea · 18/04/2024 23:52

Vile horrid man. You must leave him.

mrsdineen2 · 18/04/2024 23:53

It's bad when that horrific thread title isn't even close to the worse thing he said.

I'm sorry he's like this OP.

Spywoman · 18/04/2024 23:57

Seriously the thing that is worst for your mental health is your relationship with this man. You will never heal until you are away from him.

Meadowfinch · 19/04/2024 00:32

No-one should be calling you that, regardless.

I think you should move back to your mum's. You may find your mental health improves tremendously as soon as you get away from him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/04/2024 00:36

You need to leave him asap. He sounds awful. As so often with these threads, I expect he’s a large cause of your mental ill health.

Of course you’re not lazy.

It is a really bad idea to give up work to be a SAHM if you aren’t married though. It makes you incredibly vulnerable.

Queenfierce · 19/04/2024 00:49

As someone who suffered dv at the hands of my ex husband for 10 years
Which has left me with anxiety and stress and ptsd
Please contact womens aid and whatever you do when you do leave don't go back like I did thinking they have changed cause they say it I was forced into things I won't say and got abused none stop
Leave before its to late

VenetiaHallisWellPosh · 19/04/2024 01:47

He's nasty.

Make plans to ditch him asap.

I hope this doesn't escalate further.

exomoon · 19/04/2024 07:06

I need to leave but I have no where to go and he won't leave this house.

Do you own the house or rent? Whose name is it in?

What he said was unspeakably cruel and you are right to leave him, but if he is paying the mortgage/rent, you can’t make him leave the house.

BibbleandSqwauk · 19/04/2024 07:08

100% agree he sounds appalling and you need to leave but I would say one thing...when you decided to give up your PT job, did you actually talk to him about it or just decide on your own? From what you've said I can't imagine he'd have been supportive.

I'm playing devil's advocate here so please dont everyone jump.on me, but from his viewpoint, ARE you pulling your weight at home? IS he being expected to do everything on top of working? Literally nothing excuses what he has said to you and I'd be out the door like a shot regardless, but just in terms of the future, is there any truth to his viewpoint? If you do leave, you'll have to be able to show evidence of your inability to work to receive UC. I really hope you get out and get the support you need on all fronts.

JustJoinedRightNow · 19/04/2024 07:10

OP it's no wonder you're struggling with terrible anxiety when you live with someone like that.
I agree, contact Women's Aid and get some help to get away from this man. He is horrible.
good luck OP

W0rkerBee · 19/04/2024 07:15

Wow, leave him. I'd say your mental health will sort itself out. I left a man who called me "a hairy mudget" and "too fucking stupid to cook a ready meal" (,because I'd added broccoli) ong what a horror of a human being he was (is).
Please put a stop to this. It can't go on.

Sorting out the practicalities is hard when you're ground down, but you get one life and your kids get one childhood.
Sending you strength💪
Xxx

BobbyBiscuits · 19/04/2024 07:22

Absolute arsehole. I'm presuming this outburst wasn't the first time he's acted abusive?
Who owns the house? If it's your joint property or it's yours then I'd be changing the locks while he's at his 'hobby'. Yeah, if drinking is a hobby, wanking is an olympic sport.
Have you got friends or family you can talk to? Also contact women's aid.

Original poster

goatinthekitchen · 19/04/2024 07:51

Thanks everyone. It's a joint mortgage in both names. Yes I had a job which I enjoyed but I changed to this other job as it didn't include weekends and he was saying how my job affected family time. But this job was awful I was unhappy and there was some workplace bullying. He kept saying to me just leave you don't need to work.

@BibbleandSqwauk

I do all the cleaning, tidying, washing, ironing and keeping the house nice, he does none of that. I left for a while before and the house and garden was horrendous when I moved out. It took a lot of work to get it back nice. I pick his clothes up, wash them iron them, put them away. We share child care duties. He does most of the cooking at the moment but that's it.

OP posts:

RoachFish · 19/04/2024 10:12

You need to get yourself in a position where you can afford to leave him. I take it you are not married but it's good that the house is owned 50/50. He will of course have to may you child maintenance too but that won't be enough to live off. You need too prioritise making money now so you have the freedom to leave.

watermelonsugar56 · 19/04/2024 10:15

My blood is boiling for you. What an absolute prick.

boomermama · 19/04/2024 19:56

NiC tin hat on .
Your other half works long hours and cooks .Darling ,you need to get yourself in a routine .Treat staying at home as a job.
Get up -make a plan on a notebook ,tick off jobs as you achieve them however small .
Cook dinner (not pizza ) if you want to be a 1950s stay at home wife that's all good but that is your job now .❤️

Original poster

goatinthekitchen · 19/04/2024 20:10

@boomermama I'm don't want to be a stay at home wife.. I'm not even a wife, we're not married and probably never will be. I've just found myself without a job at the moment, and it's harder to find another that works round childcare with youngest not even being at school yet, coupled with where we live being rural. I've got basic qualifications and most of the work I can get barely covers childcare costs. Made some very bad decisions in my life that I'm full of regret about.

He works from home 3 days a week and most of the time isn't even dressed by midday.

OP posts:

QuackaRoo · 19/04/2024 20:21

Oh dear 😬 your relationship is in a really bad way. Do you feel you can come back from it? Would you want it to be worked on so you can continue to spend your life with this man or are you at the point where its too much and just gone too far?

It doesn't sound like you can carry on like this OP

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