DM being overbearing with baby

[Lemon57]

We’ve been living with parents with our newborn whilst waiting to move house, it’s been a great help but also strange to not have any of our own space during this first few months as a family.

DM doesn’t work or have hobbies and has been hands on with baby, which is lovely but I also feel it’s become a bit unhealthy.

She sulks if she hasn’t held the baby or if someone else visiting is holding her and she hasn’t yet, and makes passing comments about it. Every time the baby is awake I feel like she is constantly hovering and trying to get the babies attention. It can feel suffocating at times. She has also voiced her opinion on a few things to do with parenthood (to be expected) and ignored my requests on occasion on certain things to do with looking after the baby.

After weeks I’ve eventually snapped and said I need some time now and again by myself as a new mum to bond with the baby and I feel like she is being overinvolved. DF has said this is paranoid and why would I need to bond with my own baby and I should be happy she loves the baby (which of course I am!) And DM has fallen out with us, cried and called me jealous and ungrateful - and childishly said she won’t make any effort anymore.

I feel I’m well within my rights as the babies mum to ask for some space even though under their roof. Doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the help! Am I being unreasonable and dramatic? I’ve been made to feel like a weird, nasty person!

That's manipulative of your DM. Unpleasant behaviour.
And yes, overinvolved. You are spot on.
Don't leave baby with her whilst she ignores your requests. And when you get moved out, see less of her.

How long until you move into your own place?

Much of this is probably because you are all living on top of one another and could well resolve itself once you move out.

At the moment there's a bit of a clash - your baby, your rules yes, but living in their house doesn't help and means that you cannot afford to fall out.

Your mother is being childish, your father is backing her up (whilst also spouting some bollocks too).

You need your own space as soon as possible.

It's FULLY acceptable for you to want to bond with your own baby and navigate your way through motherhood without someone nearby ready to pounce or criticise or undermine your parenting decisions.

Only a few weeks now. I agree it’s all just becoming a bit much living under one roof and it’s starting to sour. Although she can be very immature and moody about the slightest thing.

Thank you. Its not so much criticism, its more feeling like I’m not getting that quality one on one time as her mum to interact with her.

Your mum does sound manipulative, you need to move out asap.

Let her sulk, you've done nothing wrong.

@Sunnnybunny72 @Girliefriendlikespuppies I agree, there is a manipulative nature to it. I even tried to discuss
it calmly afterwards as adults and she’s very childish about anything.

The fact that your Mum suggested you would be jealous of her is beyond weird.

@ilovelamp82 think she meant jealous of others being with the baby which is in itself absolutely ridiculous as plenty of people have held and interacted with the baby.

As already said, it is stressful living with family at the best of times never mind with a new baby, overexcited new gran and pregnancy hormones all over the shop. A clash was inevitable. Your mum does sound as if she’s been overdoing the “helping” and she probably knows this (but won’t admit it). You are absolutely justified in being upset with her taking over. You only have a few weeks to go. If your relationship is normally good calm down, take a deep breath and speak to her. Tell her you appreciate her help but need to settle yourself and the baby into a secure bond with a routine done your way prior to moving. Tell her you will ask for help when you need it. Hopefully everyone will get back to talking normally and your mum will curtail her urge to push in.

Sorry cross post, did not see your comment about manipulation and her childishness after the row. If that is her normal way of operating you will need to be firm and not pander to her.

Hold on till you've moved out. Moving and having a newborn are both incredibly stressful things to do at the same time

YANBU.
i don’t think it’s inevitable to clash with people postpartum. I think it’s inevitable that you stand up for your baby post partum so you clash with badly behaved people,

im sorry you’re having this stress. Before you move out can you find a couple of local baby groups to go to (solo) so you get that 121 time.

also no unsupervised care from your DM whilst she doesn’t respect your wishes as a parent. Need to set the groundwork now so it’s happy later.

FWIW I think it’s WILD she’s acting like your baby is something she can claim 1st dibs on. Don’t let her or your dad gaslight you. Set out clear expectations and boundaries. Then follow through. I’m sure she will learn eventually.

@redalex261@chocmatcha Thank you both. It is a stressful time combining a newborn, family and moving house! And as you say sleepless nights and hormones add fuel to fires. I would say we get on well, but I do also find her a difficult person. She doesn’t seem to have much awareness at times. I won’t pander either as I feel like I’m in the right!

I think this was always going to happen - it's not an ideal situation.

Is there no way you can Airbnb or something for the last couple of weeks? Friend of mine did this and did a 6 weeks stint because she couldn’t hack the in-laws longer. Sounds like you all could do with a break from one another.

@cheddercherry We’re not far off now so probably wouldn’t be worth the extra expense! It’s hard being an adult with a family living back with parents though I fully relate.

I think you need to cut your mother a break - yes she is being OTT, but she wouldn't have had this opportunity to do it if you hadn't been living in her house. You made that choice! It's swings and roundabouts!

But living in peoples houses doesn’t give them the right to treat you poorly? And sulking and silent treatment and being “manipulative” (as the updates describe) if it was a husband to a wife would be lambasted on here. It’s like saying if you need to put up with abuse because you chose to live in their house.