To be annoyed with my friend for changing arrangements

[pussinboots61]

I hope I am not overthinking this but I am really annoyed with a close friend of mine.

I suggested us going to the cinema on Sunday to see a film we both want to see. When I texted her to check on the arrangements she told me she has asked one of her other friends to come. That's OK as I do get on with this friend but the point is it would have been nice to have been asked if it was OK.

Anyway the main point is this other friend has got limited buses on Sundays where she lives so now we are having to work around her. I prefer going to the cinema in the evening but we are now going in the afternoon to suit this friend. I have agreed to this but now I get told this friend can get into town for such a time so we will meet then (we are going for lunch first). My bus gets into town later so I have had to say this and get told 'it will have to be OK then.'

What is more annoying is that they are both going to a concert in town tonight (which I haven't been invited to by the way) and are both getting buses. When I asked my friend in a message if her other friend's buses are difficult at night (like how come she can go out at night during the week on the bus), she totally swerved that and failed to answer.

I did state my case my saying a time of 10.20 am for the film is too early for me, which it is showing at that time, so should I just be satified that I've said my piece and try and lay it to rest? I just feel really wound up about it all. I wish now that I had never said anything and arranged to go and see the film with someone else.

I’d be a bit annoyed if I’d asked a friend to go out and then they invited another friend and changed all the plans we had made. And I’m 47. Friends don’t do that to each other.

a few years I had initiated a night out for a group of friends who used to work together, we had agreed a place and a time, then one of the others suggested another place closer to where they all live( I live about 8miles away and we always go out closer to them) anyway they changed it all to closer to them and I messaged and said I couldn’t make it, never been out with them since!

YANBU OP. Arrange with someone else an oddd tell this 'friend' exactly why.
I've had this happen a few times and I'm always very clear that the original plan takes priority. Uninvited newbie can stay home.

I’d just go on my own and let them get on with it.

Just message with 'Nah, new plans don't really work for me so I'm going to stick with our original arrangements and go in the evening.'

OK its slightly passive-aggressive but it gets across the point that first friend is messing you around and changing what had previously been decided.

I agree with @thing47 's message. I get bloody irritated once I've organised something, I tell friends, they invite add ons, the add ons can't do the date/place proposed. I remember organising a trip to the cinema to see a film I'd always wanted to see. Friend invited another couple, we got to the cinema and they wanted to see a shit Goldie Hawn film instead. My friend looked at me and said, they've come all this way, perhaps we should go with their choice. I'm still boiling about that shit film now!

It all sounds like an irritating mess so I would have no hesitation saying "It all sounds messy, let's skip it this time, you enjoy the concert and we'll do something soon!" Then fix up with someone else to go to the cinema in the evening like you wanted to in the first place.

I'd let the concert / buses thing go, but would be a bit annoyed about the changed arrangements & not checking whether it was ok for other friend to come in the first place. I mean, they're your friends and you want to see the film, so you could just suck it up this time? Or message your friend and say you've decided to go to the film another time.

The older I’ve got the more comfortable I’ve got saying ‘that doesn’t work for me, you have fun and let’s do something soon’.

I’m ambivalent about inviting other people, if I had a friend struggling a bit I might see if she wants to come to the cinema with another mutual friend, however I wouldn’t expect timing and location to change.

I wouldn't want to watch a film at 10.20 in the morning! I'd say.i don't fancy a film that early in the morning.

Just send your friend a text and say that her new plans don't work for you and that you're going to go later, on your own. And in future, if someone asks if another person can join, make it clear that your acceptance is conditional on the third person fitting in with your existing plans.

I once had a relaxed week abroad with a friend turned into a rushed, more expensive weekend away because a third friend (who was invited with my and my friend's agreement) fiddled about with timings/made demands so much. Never again!

I had a friend once who kept messing me around. One time we'd arranged to go to a concert together but it was only when we met at the entrance to the venue that I realised she'd double booked herself and brought someone else along, a person I'd never met before. Another time we'd agreed to go and see a film together and earmarked an evening for this but then I found out she went to see the film with some bloke she'd met. She made out that she would have gone to see the film again with me as planned but I think she would have feigned being ill or something. I wasn't sure if it was flaky or slippery!
Honestly, some people can't stick to arrangements or even see how messing friends around or trying to spread themselves too thin leads to hurt feelings.

Arrangements with multiple friends at the same time can be a real headache! I have a friend who’s always trying to change everyone’s plans to suit her and when this happens I just politely decline if it doesn’t work. I’m not interested in the aggravation. Maybe it’s a lesson to say something sooner. So as soon as your friend introduced inviting another person (which personally I think is fine to the cinema) and then said the time didn’t work for them, you could have jumped straight in and said, “I’d really like to see the evening showing as that works for me, maybe x can join us another time”. At this point if the plans change anyway and you don’t like them just politely pull out and say the arrangement no longer works for you but hope they have a nice time / hope to see them soon. Making comments about them going to a concert may have come across a little passive aggressive. Maybe just call your friend for a chat so there’s no hard feelings x

I have friends who do this occasionally. And they are in their late 40s ! Sometimes I don’t mind, less so if you like that person (it can change the whole group dynamic if you’re not that bothered about them). But it does make me inwardly rage when the friend who you had plans with takes over and it suddenly becomes ‘their’ night / event ! You feel unseen, like your opinion counts for nothing. I wouldn’t do it to any of my friends, but have often put up with it from others - although I recently vocalized my annoyance with one group, and withdrew myself from their plans as a result. I’m not sure if the event happened or not in the end, but I wasn’t bothered about missing out by this point anyway.
Nobody goes to the movies that early in the morning except under 10s, so I’d just f* ‘em off !

If third friend can’t get a bus and you’re free in the morning is it really the end of the world accommodating her, so you can all go?

Maybe she asked second friend to go. If you want to go to the concert, ask if you can join them too?

It isn't like you’re having a heart to heart in a cinema with friend two. Just include the third wheel.

equally if the time doesn’t work for you, and isn’t because you feel put out, just say it doesn’t work for you and go with someone else.

Wouldn’t waste much energy on it all.

Instead of the bus ask your mum or dad to drop you off/pick you up?

Miaow.

Totally echo this. You and your friend made the plan, if your friend invited someone else then they of course are welcome but the plan doesn’t change to suit them.

Maybe your friend is finding herself between a rock and a hard place not wanting to let either party down so trying to get a good compromise - albeit this is at your expense. Maybe just say the new plan doesn’t suit you but for her and her friend to go ahead, you’ll go with someone else instead.