to be mad when a relative says "joking" comments to my dd

[beckyvicky]

I am so mad at my BIL because he is repeatedly putting down my dd (age 11) to her face, saying why doesn?t she go away and not come back, and how much is a holiday where they will keep her. dd is bright, beautiful and very confident. His own dd, my niece (same age), is a lovely bright girl but lacking in confidence, and I have always encouraged her at every opportunity to try and build her up, even taking part myself in the first hobby she ever discovered that she enjoyed, just so that she would keep on attending. I?ve cuddled her at 3 in the morning at our house when she?s had night terrors. I would never say rotten things about her, and certainly never to her face, so why is he being like this with our dd.
Dh (his brother) says he is just joking and doesn?t realise what he is saying. We both think he has a chip on shoulder as dh is quite successful, we have a nice life and expect dh to take part in lots of things and do well.But he does OK too, he has no real difficulties in his life.
Dh has had a word with him, telling him that dd is actually getting upset by his comments ? I don?t know if this will work. He didn?t mention how angry I am, not wanting to make a bad situation worse.
I was bullied as a child and I know I can be over sensitive to things at times. But when it?s your kids that are being upset, and by an adult too, who should know better???.

can your dh have a word ? it's really not on and no YANBU

id be mad to!how rude.hopefully he'll listen and take note of what your dh has said.i think my dh would be livid if one of his siblings was like that with our dc.in fact i dont think-i know!even if he is just joking,its not funny especially for an 11 year old!

YANBU. I wonder if your niece's lack of confidence has something to do wth her father and how he speaks to her?

i'd smack him in the gob

tell him to fuck off and finish the damage to his own kids!

what a wanker - anyone can have chip,just don't project it on to kids!!!

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my dd is much tougher than I am (I think she is related to me)
I'm mad at myself for not saying anything at the time - always avoid conflict, don't upset anyone, you know the score.
Though dh says that was best to avoid an all out family row.

I wonder how his father treated him? He has obviously learnt to 'relate' to children like that from somewhere. Even tho he has a daughter himself he sounds a bit crap at talking to kids, tho i dont think he's doing it on purpose to get at your family or DP. Some guys find it hard to relate to kids except in a jokey way.
You do need to talk to him tho and try to help him see how hurtful it is.
Ask him how he would feel if someone he loved and respected spoke to him like that.
He may mean no harm but harm is beng done.

If this was happening to my daughter, I would tell her that she is allowed to tell her uncle that she doesn't like it when he talks to her like that, and would he stop please.

I would also make sure that dd knew that she was none of the things he is calling her - although I'm sure you do that already. Lots of positive reinforcement.

What I would also do is tell BIL - nicely but firmly - to stop whenever I heard him saying anything to her. She needs to hear you stand up for her so that she can stand up for herself. You wouldn't allow a stranger to get away with saying such things; you don't have to sit there and say nothing just because it's your husband's brother.

He does sound horrible. Please do something about it - don't let him speak to your dd that way. My aunty was always making nasty digs at me and comparing me unfavourably with her dd (18mo older) and I found it so hurtful. Fortunately my nan always stuck up for me (helped she couldn't stand my aunt (her DIL)!)

I have a milder version of the same thing with my BIL. Much milder I must admit. I know ts difficult to say soemthing but you must for DDs sake. IMO it is far more effective if said to him in front of whoever he has said it at the time. My BIL was always making'jokes' about DD having ginger hair. I can take a joke with the best of them but it felt like it was all he would ever say. It was always said in a nasty way as well. In the end I pointed it out to him - in front of SIL and DH and DD (who was only a year old at the time). I basically asked whether he was aware that he spends more time putting DD down for the colour of her hair rather than anything nice. He never said it again.

Lots of good advice on here. I had an unfunny uncle when I was a child, and he always made me feel like crap with his 'hilarious' putdowns. I was an oversensitive child and was also horrendously bullied by an older cousin so my self-esteem was v low as it was; I knew Unfunny Unc meant no harm by it and was basically just a bit thick, but it didn't stop me feeling rubbish as the butt of his jokes.

YANBU. It is not good to speak to children like this. I would have a word with your BIL and tell him to stop.also tell your DD to tell her uncle she does not like the wayt he speaks to her.

Oh yes, I was an overweight child and my uncle used to say things like "don't go on the bouncy castle, you'll pop it"

Grrrr

Mum made sure I knew he was being an idiot, and stuck up for me a couple of times, I definitely appreciated her being on my side.

Do say something to him IN FRONT of her, so she knows that sometimes, adults say things that aren't right and you are allowed to challenge it.

Christ I used to get this from my dad. Bridge max weight limit 5 tonnes - "You'll have to get out and walk!" It's taken me years to get over it. Have a STRONG word with bollock-brained buggerlugs BiL, and sharpish.

He sounds pretty insecure to me, tosser - i would make it clear to DH that the insults either stop or you will no longer for DD to be exposed to his company.

totally out of order IMO.
Not funny
Not clever

and at his age he SHOULD know what he is saying

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