AIBU to think MiL wants to hurt me?

[Anusername]

A little bit of background. My mil and me are quite different. She’s very assertive and says something that is not to her taste out loud. I am usually more soft and reserve. She came to stay with us to help with childcare (I gave birth two months ago) and we have had a reasonably good relationship. She turned out to be willing to listen to me when it comes to how to look after the baby. I am very grateful for her help.

while we were having lunch the other day, she wanted to gossip about a person we met in the park. She said can you believe she’s actually older than you?? I found it quite upsetting and I said: how did you find out her age? She said: I said to her she looks younger than you. It made me very upset since this person looks just her age. this is not the first time she said something like this. A very similar scenario happened a year ago which got me upset and my Mil noticed it. Yet she still did it again?

i am very conscious of how tired I look nowadays after what I experienced these two years (two mmc and a very difficult pregnancy, and now looking after a newborn). She knows my experiences and my worries about aging. Prior to these, I always got the comments that I look younger than my age.

It happened two days ago and I’m still not over it. I think she may not have done it on purpose but at the subconscious level, she still wants to hurt me. AIBU to think that she is not simply blunt and innocent to say it?

[Perfect28]

Yab way too sensitive, sorry.

[Motnight]

You've got 2 threads about this, Op.

[sarahc336]

Sorry op I don't feel she's doing anything that wrong. I can tell your upset but I feel your reading into it too much 😊

[Janetime]

I’m sorry op, I think maybe exhaustion and hormones have got the better of you. Congrats on your new baby, try not to strew on things.💐

[spanieleyes]

It was a casual comment, she hasn't booked plastic surgery for you! Perhaps it was a little thoughtless but, unless there are a whole host of issues you haven't mentioned, two general comments over several years doesn't seem much to deal with.

[Josette77]

I think you're reading into this. Twice in two years of someone looking younger than you according to your mil doesn't seem to be a big issue.

Have you talked to anyone about your fear of aging?

[Gummybear23]

But you are happy for her support and time.

You are big time insensitive.

[AGodawfulsmallaffair]

@Motnight

You've got 2 threads about this, Op.

One is more than enough 😆

[AccountCreateUsername]

Congratulations on your baby OP. From what you’ve written I really don’t see what was wrong with what your MIL said. It sounds like you may be projecting a bit (a lot?)

You sound like you’ve had hard time recently. Make the most of having her around to help, take some time out for you if possible and remember all new parents look frazzled

[Anusername]

Just to add that my mil has a very strong opinion about everything. She has everything done her way in her house. She used to rearrange our furnitures without notifying us. She now still does more than she should but I have been more compromising. When it comes to the baby, she has many advices but I have the final call (I think my husband has told her to listen to me and not be confrontational), which apparently leads to things not being done her way. I am just wondering if she might has suppressed emotions(aggressiveness) against me?

[Bluepetergarden]

Grow a spine and stand up for yourself if it matters that much

[Anusername]

@AccountCreateUsername

Congratulations on your baby OP. From what you’ve written I really don’t see what was wrong with what your MIL said. It sounds like you may be projecting a bit (a lot?)

You sound like you’ve had hard time recently. Make the most of having her around to help, take some time out for you if possible and remember all new parents look frazzled

Thank you that’s very kind of you. I know I may have read too much into it and it’s good to get some perspectives!

[AccountCreateUsername]

@Anusername

Just to add that my mil has a very strong opinion about everything. She has everything done her way in her house. She used to rearrange our furnitures without notifying us. She now still does more than she should but I have been more compromising. When it comes to the baby, she has many advices but I have the final call (I think my husband has told her to listen to me and not be confrontational), which apparently leads to things not being done her way. I am just wondering if she might has suppressed emotions(aggressiveness) against me?

OP you talk about your MILs subconscious feelings / suppressed emotions. It sounds like your MIL isn’t actually doing or saying anything wrong here. She’s here for you and helping you and respectful of your way of doing things. It doesn’t matter what she thinks really because what’s she’s doing is being supportive and doing things your way.

Is the a specific thing she’s doing or saying that makes you feel this way? What specifically is the problem with her behaviours OP?

You’ve only just had a baby. I can barely remember those first few months. Apart from MIL do you have support / any other new mum friends?
Are you getting extra sleep or rest whilst your MIL is staying?

[AccountCreateUsername]

@Bluepetergarden

Grow a spine and stand up for yourself if it matters that much

Someone’s tired and grumpy this morning @Bluepetergarden ! Are you sleep deprived and hormonal too?

[Anusername]

@AccountCreateUsername she’s generally very supportive and I felt that we had a much better relationship this time even with a new baby. I am extremely grateful for her support. But I cannot be less upset about what she said! I think it’s probably because I am very insecure about my look and I do value her opinion.

[Meadowfinch]

If those are the only two instances, then, I think she's a bit tactless, but no more.

You've had a tough couple of years. I think you need a good summer, plenty of leisurely strolls in the park, for your baby to get their naps sorted quickly and for you to snooze on a sun longer in the garden beside her.

I hope it all comes good.

[Toooldforthis36]

Why are you so worried about ageing? Jeez, relax.

[HcbSS]

Why have you started two identical threads under different subject names?
FWIW this is not a hill I would die on. Roll your eyes and move on.

[CleanShirt]

@HcbSS

Why have you started two identical threads under different subject names?
FWIW this is not a hill I would die on. Roll your eyes and move on.

This. Proper annoying.

[LenaLamont]

This is all you and your insecurities, not your MIL.

Your body just did the most amazing thing a body can do - it grew a whole actual human being! Why not celebrate your incredible body and the gift of your baby rather than thinking about whether you look young enough?

[Singleandproud]

If she had said it at a different time, when you weren't so sensitive and aware of your looks would you have taken it the same way?

It sounds like she was just making observational small talk. If she generally does things to be supportive and helpful with the best intentions then there is no reason for her to want to hurt you.

[curious79]

The MIL relationship is rarely an easy one. That’s even recognised in various cultures. She is clearly a woman of a certain age. And once you’re at that certain age, you often become super assertive, and have no f*cks to give having rolled over your entire life, looking after everyone else. However, her tendency to be blunt is not helpful. I know various people like this, and they often make no effort to change whatsoever. However, your MIL seems to have made efforts.
In the meantime, you do strike me as overly sensitive as you obsess over some quite small comments. It is an absolute nightmare getting childcare and help. You perhaps need to see this from a different angle. One of being unbelievably lucky that you have someone helping. It is extraordinarily expensive, getting childcare right now, and even more difficult finding someone you trust with your child. Personally, I think you need to learn to let this go a bit, unless she is genuinely making jabs at you every day.

[Noseybookworm]

Her comment was a little insensitive but you're reading way too much into it. I wouldn't assume she's deliberately setting out to hurt your feelings! Just let it go OP, it doesn't sound like there was any malice in it, just a bit thoughtless!

[Julieann418]

She's rude she knows she's rude and she doesn't care.

[Shinyandnew1]

I think one post is more than enough on this. Time for her to go home, I’d say and let you crack on with your baby.