To be a little cautious ... ?

[KeysUnlocked]

Met my new DP at work, and we've been dating now for 6 m's. In my 40's & this is the only decent relationship I've ever had, been through some crap with men through the yrs but know I've finally met a decent one in DP.

Anywho, he confided in me pretty early on that many yrs ago he had spent at least a 10-yr period with a gambling addiction to slot/fruit machines & had lost a LOT of money, though had sought help & finished paying it off a cpl yrs ago. For clarity, he doesn't have his own place but a highly-paid job with a lot of disposable income.

FF to this week, Grand National, Cheltenham etc etc and my intuition kicked in & I found he'd been sneaking the bookies on his lunch break, sneaking into loo to watch races on his phone etc. He said it's a hard time of year in the gambling addicts world

I thought I'd finally have a chat with him today as I was a little worried for/about him, but he was grateful of this & assured me that his addiction was never to racing (machines only), which I believe can actually be a thing when it comes to gambling addiction.

He is a really intelligent guy who has his head screwed on but I know these things happen to anyone, regardless of status, job, etc.

AIBU to worry or AIBU to be meddling this early on?
For clarity, I am the least judgemental person and this he is very aware of (I've confided in him something that he could've very well walked away from early on) hence why he clearly felt comfortable enough to share this with me

Sure, life leaves it's marks. But you were the one that caught an 'ex' gambling addict having a little flutter.

Would you say the same about an 'ex' heroin addict chasing the dragon because they're not shooting up?

Or an 'ex' alcoholic having a pint because it's not vodka?

Or an 'ex' crack-head having a toot on a line of Coke?

Would you feel safe with these men? Would you trust them?

FF to this week, Grand National, Cheltenham etc etc and my intuition kicked in & I found he'd been sneaking the bookies on his lunch break, sneaking into loo to watch races on his phone etc. He said it's a hard time of year in the gambling addicts world

That just sounds like an excuse tbh-it's quite easy to avoid it all. It sounds like he's not being completely truthful about only being addicted to slots.

I thought I'd finally have a chat with him today as I was a little worried for/about him, but he was grateful of this & assured me that his addiction was never to racing (machines only), which I believe can actually be a thing when it comes to gambling addiction.

You can be much more addicted to one thing than another yes, but if you quit one something else often takes it's place. He might not spend AS much as he did on slots (they are v v addictive) but it's still gambling which he's supposed to have quit. He needs to nip it in the bud now.

I do feel like some posters are a bit harsh, like they expect an addict never to be able to date ever-but tbh I can see where they are coming from. I've suffered from this addiction and I wouldn't inflict myself and my issues on anyone else so I just stay single. I can't promise anyone I won't fall back to it as much as I wish I could-it's a terrible addiction.

OP, why are you so keen to “save” this man? He is not your responsibility.

If he wanted to beat his addiction he would already be working on it afterall.

Different types of gambling may trigger different rewards but if the horse racing was a non-addictive passion for him, why was he sneaking off to the bookies and hiding in the loo to watch? And why would he say “it's a hard time of year in the gambling addicts world” [my emphasis]?

I think it’s the hiding, the deception that is worrying. It’s not conclusive but I think it would be foolish to just accept the “one type” excuse given his behaviour.

My request was for advice as to whether I should be meddling at this early stage in the r'ship...

I have suffered past addictions to things, does that mean I should be 'written off' and cast aside to singledom for the rest of my days!!?

Is this being far too quick to judge and throw people away?

It doesn’t seem to be a past addiction for him though, does it?

It sounds like he needs a therapist rather than a girlfriend.

I should've said, the 'sneaking into loo' was me assuming, not a fact

Gambling addiction is extremely damaging. It can lead people to spend and even steal vast quantities of money. I'd rather date a smack head personally. Lol.
The sad truth is addicts will relapse. The fact he talks to you about it is good, but then he was gambling in secret in the bathroom. It's the one thing you'll always have to be worried about, and it's a very big thing.

I think if you’re in the first year of dating someone it should be fun, not an opportunity to be their support human.

OP, do you find you’re attracted to men with issues? If so, it might be worth looking into why that is.

It’s not your job to save him from himself.

🚩🚩🚩 run for the hills.
A gambling addict that is still gambling and minimising "I'm not addicted to gambling on horses, just gambling on machines" while skiving off work to gamble on horses. Imagine "I'm not addicted to rum, only vodka" while hiding bottles of rum under his bed 🤨

He's not an ex addict, or a recovered addict. He's an active addict.

My mum is married to a gambling addict. He's lost countless jobs for theft, friends, stole a dear elderly friends life saving in a matter of months. Stole off her forever. Every little thing is an opportunity to steal, car needs new tires, double the price you tell and you can gamble the rest, housework, double the price, pocket the rest. He stole off me when I was a teenager, framed me for stealing off my mum. Stole hers and mine bracelets from her dead mother, absolutely irreplaceable, pawned for the weight in silver.

You will think he's been clean for years and your life is great, then thousands and thousands of pounds of debt will be unearthed and your life will be destroyed, over and over.

No you shouldn't be trying to save someone from themselves six months in.

Absolutely not.

It just means you should care about yourself.

If you have overcome addiction. Why bring trouble to your door?

See those all those pretty red flags? They aren’t the only things having a flutter here.

Back away, OP.

When he’s a few years down the line he may be a great boyfriend, but at this early stage he’s an addict and he’s still engaged in self destruction.

If he were serious about tackling his addiction he wouldn’t be looking for a relationship at this point anyway.

Ok, I've probably made this sound much worse than it probably is ...

His 'sneaking' is my assumption - NOT FACT!

He is not a 'down and outer' who needs 'saving' !

No it sounds bad OP. As bad as you've described it.
Its the same as an alcoholic who's drink was vodka having a few glasses of wine, it's not ok just because that wasn't their favourite drink of choice before.
I'm sure if he disclosed it at a GA meeting they wouldn't be telling him it's ok as its a different type of gambling. Its gambling plain and simple.
Maybe he is one of the elusive rare special addicts that can carry on with the behaviour that ruined his life previously unscathed. Or maybe he's just your standard addict that had to completely abstain from feeding the addiction in any way.
I know what my opinion is. And I'm an addict in recovery.

If you want to stay with this man, OP, I think you should have a very serious discussion about how he is managing his addiction. And it can't be too soon for that discussion.

I have know a number of addicts (including gambling addicts) and ALL of them have been through stages where they persuade themselves and others that their addiction was quite specific and they can continue doing other similar things without it being a problem (eg. alcoholic who claimed that he was fine now that he didn't touch spirits, drug addicts who claimed to be just casual users of other substances). Even if OP's partner truly believes that gambling on racing is 'just a passion' and not a gambling addiction, in my experience it's only a matter of time before he finds out he's wrong. If he was truly just a fan of racing, he could watch it on TV and not place a bet, but he has chosen to bet. I think that says a lot.

The addicts that I know who have overcome their addictions for the long term have all had to be painfully honest and totally give up any activities that are even close to the thing that they have been addicted to. Most have recognised that they are susceptible to addictive behaviours and won't do anything that's likely to be addictive (eg. ex- drug addict that will not drink or even do the lottery for fear of switching to a new addiction).

If OP was my friend and wanted to give this man a chance I would advise her to insist that he takes part in a proper addiction programme and commits to giving up all types of gambling completely. I'd also advise her to go to one of the help groups for families of addicts, as they can offer lots of sensible advice on how to help someone but also safeguard your own mental health etc. Yes, it's possible that he MIGHT have only been addicted to machines and he MIGHT be able to have the odd bet on the races without a problem. But is it fair of him to ask OP to take that chance?

I thought I'd finally have a chat with him today as I was a little worried for/about him, but he was grateful of this & assured me that his addiction was never to racing (machines only), which I believe can actually be a thing when it comes to gambling addiction

He's deluding himself (and you) if he claims he can safely gamble on some things but not others. Gambling addiction is an addiction to the thrill/anticipation of the gamble, not to the method of gambling. If he was addicted to gambling on machines, he shouldn't be gambling on anything. Ever.

It's a bit like saying 'I used to be an alcoholic but I can drink beer because I was only addicted to wine.'

The betting machines in betting shops are, like fruit machines, designed to make you spend more and more money without realising how much you're spending, so they can be particularly dangerous (as can gambling apps on phones) but ultimately gambling is gambling and nobody who has been addicted to gambling on machines should be betting on the horses, or anything else.

The sneaking into the loo to watch races on his phone and going to the bookies in his lunch break is a massive, massive red flag for gambling addiction. I know a few people who regularly place small bets on horse-racing and they don't sneak off to watch the race at work! They make their bet, get on with their day and then check the results later.

He definitely has a problem that needs managing and it's up to you to decide whether you want to support him through that - but he needs to accept that it's a problem first.

Op I really feel for you. I can tell from your posts you really value your relationship and were so happy you met someone you clicked with and felt a spark. I'm genuinely just asking you to acknowledge what others are saying. He isn't being honest about only being addicted to slots, this a lie he is telling himself because he is an addict. He believes his own lie.

Gambling is an addiction to the thrill of winning not to a specific type of gambling. I think another poster said this but if he were to tell his support group that he went into bookies, they would be intervening and counting this as a slip up.

Anyway I do wish you the best.

Your son is managing his addiction - because he's stayed sober.

Your partner is not managing his addiction - because he's still gambling.

It's obvious from you saying 'I've made it sound worse than it is' that you don't want to believe your partner has a problem. But he clearly does and you'd be very naive not to see that.

Of course it's possible that he might be able to manage that addiction, with support. It's up to you to decide whether you want to live with that. If you do, you should never, ever share any finances with your partner and you need to make sure that any property you live in or any credit agreements for large purchases etc are entirely in your name. You should also bear in mind that if you share an address, his credit rating will affect yours.

The fact that you've never had a decent relationship and you're now in your 40s suggests that perhaps you have a history of ignoring warning signs in people's behaviour. Don't make that mistake again. If you're going to pursue this relationship, at least do it with your eyes open.

so he is a gambling addict, who you have just found out is still gambling.

That really is as bad as it sounds.
Doesn't matter about the details of sneaking round or not sneaking round, the fact is that he was having a bet on the horses.

That is gambling.

Of course we all come with baggage. But the key is, is this baggage still active, is this baggage going to damage me?

For your own sake, don't continue with a person who is an active addict.

I know plenty of ex addicts, drugs and alcohol. They are genuinely clean and sober and no-one would have any trouble in a relationship with them. In fact most of them are now in happy stable relationships.
But the key is that they are ex addicts. And I know that if I showed them your OP they would laugh and say - she's deluding herself.

Sorry OP, but everyone is saying the same - run.

The fact he is still gambling - regardless of the method - is not a good sign. But as he has confided in you then having a proper, open and honest conversation would seem to be the sensible way forward, as opposed to assuming or worrying. You need information.

This is a good website for highlighting troubling behaviours: https://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/gamanon

I’ve gone to Al Anon meetings in the past to understand more about my sister’s addictions, because knowledge is power and I wasn’t about to cut someone off without understanding more about her behaviour. I’ll be honest though… we speak, we’re not bad friends, but we are not close. Some of her behaviour has really fucked up my own sense of security and safety. I’ve had psychotherapy to try to come to terms with it.

I can see why plenty of people are encouraging you to leave and we all offer advice based on our own backgrounds and experiences. But if are willing to continue, please arm yourself with information and try and establish an open and honest dialogue (which can be incredibly hard with addicts, but if they are taking active steps to come back from the brink then it can be done).

I wish you luck whatever you decide. But don’t think being in your 40s ever means you have to settle, as plenty of people on here can attest, you can find genuine love and respect with another human being at any age.

You are wise to proceed with caution. Gambling is an addiction which is every bit as destructive as alcohol and drug addictions. I doubt he's being entirely truthful about only being addicted to fruit machines. Gambling is gambling. If an alcoholic desperately needed a drink, I don't they would ignore vodka if they usually drink gin.