DS favouring his dad

[kcchiefette]

Me and DS dad are not together. We split up when DS was 3 and he is now 7. DS has autism (although is high functioning)

He spends 2 nights a week with his dad and 5 nights with me.

I haven't had any issues until recently.

The last 2 weeks or so, my DS has cried and cried any time he is with me about how he misses his dad. On the days his dad doesnt have him, his dad calls him for a chat which I have accomodated because why not?

He has been on the phone to his dad every single day begging to go to his house for the night. I mean proper wailing and crying. He's telling me that he loves his dad more than me. His dad then tells him yes of course he can come over if he wants. Its been 2 weeks of this now and the roles are now reversed where he has been with me 2 nights rather than 5.

Today I had a lovely evening planned (as I work FT) and we were going to go to the park, get some ice cream etc but DS still said no, he would rather sit in his dads house.

AIBU in wanting to nip this in the bud now and tell his dad to stop giving into DS demands?

I really miss DS, I feel like I have barely seen him and his behaviour towards me all of a sudden is bizarre and I feel its getting worse by facilitating his demands.

His dad does more for him in the way of playing football and video games, but we also do fun stuff together like the park, outings to the farm, walks with the dog, he gets treats etc. I spend a fortune every month going out and doing things with him that he likes.

I feel lost on how I should handle this as its making me rather upset and I feel hurt in the sudden change of DS behaviour towards me. Nothing has changed in the last while to even explain the behaviour.

Just go with what he wants for now. Things will change over time.

I don't think you can really tell his dad to stop playing football with him.

The video games might be a different story - what are they? Are they age appropriate?

It does sound a bit like your DS is growing up and getting interested in other things. Can you accommodate his new interests more?

YABU

he is showing preference for dad at the minute and you want to put halt to it for selfish reasons. Although it hurts, You can't dictate what he likes, dictate that he "must" enjoy what you do because its theoretically enjoyable activities, that you spend money or do xyz... he enjoys what he enjoys.

I feel that if you try to pull him toward you, you'll end up pushing him further away. I'm not sure how you mend this but I don't think an iron hand is the way forward; you'll just end up the bad guy.

Hmmm since he is on the spectrum can I ask if he has a special interest? I’d bet my house that his father is allowing him to indulge in this interest far more than you ever would

ASD kids can get quite addicted/obsessed with things

Id be finding out what it is

Just to add a bit of another view here in a professional capacity.

Children can often express preferences for the parent with whom they see less or have to "prove their value" to. Where children have a less safe and secure relationship to an attachment figure, they can sometimes feel the need to prove themselves and their worth. It can often manifest in the behaviours you have described.

What i'd be looking for is the non verbal cues. Does your kid come into your bed in the middle of the night? Do they feel safe enough to ask you difficult questions?

It’s a normal phase for boys of this age I think, where Dad becomes the most important thing. Both mine did this.
It’s hard because as a Mum he’s been mostly dependent on you up until now.
The next phase is when their mates become the most important thing and both parents are considered lame.
Just go with it, be there for him when he needs you, and he will, but don’t try and interfere with his relationship with his dad.

Could you play video games with him?

Thanks all.

I love that he has a relationship with his dad, hence I have let him stay with him.

He does have special interests in the weather, space etc so we read books together on it, he had a telescope to look at stars etc and we do this together. He has a PlayStation at my house which he rarely uses, even if I offer to play.

The days out, activities etc are not led by me. If we have a day together, I would let him choose the activity (within reason) and I will take or do this with him.

I spoke to him this morning and he says he wants to come home tonight.

He is usually very close with me. He still sneaks in during the night for cuddles in bed etc and is very lovable.

Hopefully, as you say its just a phase. I think the Easter hold etc has threw his routine off so he's a bit more sensitive.