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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so overwhelmed with ASD teenage daughter?

165 replies

StressedSuzie · 17/04/2024 17:37

She has just turned 13 and is struggling massively with anxiety.
She refuses to accept any help such as therapy or medication and insists that if everyone just did as she needed then all would be absolutely fine.
Seeing her walk out of school each day, completely drained and almost mute due to being so overwhelmed is so upsetting to see.
What do you do when your children have sky high anxiety but won’t accept any form of help? 😢

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 17/04/2024 17:39

She doesn't get to refuse. Shes a child, you're the parent.

Notimeforaname · 17/04/2024 17:42

You set up the help and take her there. If she physically fights back, you take things away from her til she learns .

Insisting everything will be ok if you all do exactly what she wants, is manipulative and controlling. Dont let this continue.

When a child needs important medication, it's not the norm to just give up and listen to the child when they say they dont want it..You have to force them, for their own good.

BebyDuc · 17/04/2024 17:42

Therapy.

My DD is 15 and it's helped her so, so much.

She didn't want to go either.

Notimeforaname · 17/04/2024 17:43

Its the same with mental health whatever you as the parent thinks she needs, she needs.

KittytheHare · 17/04/2024 17:43

@Notimeforaname you clearly have no concept of what it’s like to deal with a neurodivergent teen.

Notimeforaname · 17/04/2024 17:44

KittytheHare

You clearly have no idea what my job is then.

LetMeGoogleThat · 17/04/2024 17:45

Aww, I've been there and it's hard to see the wood for the trees! It's the heady combination of hormones and ASD. My advice is to hang in there, don't blame yourself and celebrate the tiny wins (whilst ignoring the unhelpful PP advice 🙄)

My son is now 21, I promise it does get better and if someone had said this to me when he was 13....I wouldn't have believed them! 💐

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 17/04/2024 17:46

I would say you’ve got to fight the therapy battle. I absolutely do not fight everything with my ASD \ ADHD daughter but I am still the parent and some things she just is not allowed to dictate. This is too important to her future. We also tried hypnosis which gave really good instant results in periods of crisis. I know it’s horrible, but soon she’ll start refusing school and you need to intervene before that happens.

LetMeGoogleThat · 17/04/2024 17:46

Sorry, mine was ASD and anxiety x

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 17/04/2024 17:49

I think you do need to convince her to go to therapy or meds she might be coping now but what happens when she school work increases or more things don’t go her way… some battles aren’t worth fighting but this is a battle worth fighting

Original poster
StressedSuzie · 17/04/2024 17:51

We have tried 3 different therapists
She goes completely mute and then hates me for making her go at all which breaks down the relationship and escalates her ARFID as she’s too stressed to choose any safe foods to eat.

The GP said medication would be preferable over therapy for her because of this but they can’t prescribe - she’s on the CAHMS waiting list which is about 2 years long so I found loads of private psychiatrists who can prescribe by she won’t get in the car to go and they’ve made it clear that unless she is open to her struggles they won’t be able to prescribe anything anyway.

OP posts:
waterrat · 17/04/2024 17:53

Does she really need therapy? I mean..yes im sure she would benefit (i have an autistic and anxious child too)

But..is this really about environmental triggers and overwhelm. And sensory issue of school?

If its about the environment not being right isnt it better to focus on that first

You have all my sympathy by the way.

waterrat · 17/04/2024 17:55

What could be changed .. is mainstream the right place for her? Is there a smaller school she could go to?

My daughter is on a flexi timetable that allows her rest days each week but i still think she will end up having to leave mainstream. Its the environment not the children that are at fault

WagonWh33l5 · 17/04/2024 18:00

Notimeforaname · 17/04/2024 17:42

You set up the help and take her there. If she physically fights back, you take things away from her til she learns .

Insisting everything will be ok if you all do exactly what she wants, is manipulative and controlling. Dont let this continue.

When a child needs important medication, it's not the norm to just give up and listen to the child when they say they dont want it..You have to force them, for their own good.

That is absolutely the wrong way to treat a struggling young person with autism and completely counterproductive as regards therapy.

WagonWh33l5 · 17/04/2024 18:03

And CAMHs wouldn’t continue with the therapy anyway if she wasn’t engaging.

Original poster
StressedSuzie · 17/04/2024 18:03

We are appealing the EHCP as they refused to assess.

She doesn’t want to leave her current school due to being familiar with it now but we are asking for things to be removed from her timetable as currently she’s attending 2/3 days a week because of certain subjects ( Drama / PE / are especially problematic )

OP posts:
YellNellBell · 17/04/2024 18:06

Can you find a psychiatrist who can see your DD remotely and prescribe?

I have 2 ASD DCs. Both have anxiety and are on fluoxetine as prescribed by a private consultant psychiatrist. DD (now 16) has been having therapy since she was 13. DS who is now 12 can’t access therapy - he just finds it too hard. The psychiatrist only needed to see him for less than 2 minutes as she appreciated how difficult it was for him to engage with her. He can now, 2 years on from beginning the meds.

Both of mine ended up having to leave mainstream settings and are now at specialist schools. DD has autistic burnout as a result and is going to spend next academic year doing a non academic course to really take the pressure off.

BoxFoxSocks · 17/04/2024 18:07

If she thinks everything would be better if everyone did what she wants, what does this actually look like? What does she want people to do?

GoodVibesHere · 17/04/2024 18:14

So she says that if everyone just did as she needed she would be fine. Have you been able to talk to her about what it is she thinks she needs? I do think it is good that she is verbalising this, so I would praise her for telling you that there are things she needs, and encourage her to talk to you more about what it is she needs. What does she have in place currently, e.g. is there a quiet space in school that she can go to if needed? Does she attend any peer group sessions in school? Does she have friends? Are there lessons she could drop?

Is she still on the CAMHs waiting list currently?

Does she do anything relaxing or fun on weekends, and have things to look forward to?

Sorry for all the questions. I have been where you are in terms of having a struggling DD, but thankfully mine did engage with therapy (although it hasn't made much difference) and was open to taking medication.

Ignore anyone who says 'you are the parent, make her do as you say'.... this is nonsense as you cannot force her to engage or to take medication.

ZenNudist · 17/04/2024 18:15

Please teach her to adapt to the world and not expect the world to adapt to her. If she has a way of doing things that allow her to live her life that will be much better for her.

GoodVibesHere · 17/04/2024 18:17

Also has the therapy she's received to date been tailored for her as a child with ASD?

kelsaycobbles · 17/04/2024 18:18

BoxFoxSocks · 17/04/2024 18:07

If she thinks everything would be better if everyone did what she wants, what does this actually look like? What does she want people to do?

And is that reasonable ?

Octavia64 · 17/04/2024 18:19

My AuDHD child was not able to engage with therapy at a similar age.

We went and I went in with her and we talked together but she was not really able to talk beyond yes and no.

It was more successful when she was older (admittedly, after she had dropped out of school).

You may be able to persuade her to see a private psych who will prescribe but you'll need to convince her first.

KittytheHare · 17/04/2024 18:23

Notimeforaname · 17/04/2024 17:44

KittytheHare

You clearly have no idea what my job is then.

Truly hope it’s not dealing with neurodivergent young people.

CasadeCoca · 17/04/2024 18:25

ZenNudist · 17/04/2024 18:15

Please teach her to adapt to the world and not expect the world to adapt to her. If she has a way of doing things that allow her to live her life that will be much better for her.

The exact point of disability is that in key respects you live differently to non-disabled people.

We now acknowledge, in law at least, that society has to remove barriers and change things through adaptations to allow people to be included as they are.

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