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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner wants to go back to work same week as my C section

41 replies

Fabdy · 17/04/2024 16:54

Hi Mumsnet,

Just need some perspective here.
We have a one year old and another baby on the way. When we had our first child my partner went back to work 3 days later and I found it very difficult as he works long hours and often not home until midnight.

When we decided to have our second child he promised he would have two weeks off to help with our first daughter as I will be having a C section and can't see how I will manage both of them until I recover.

He has just informed me that he is planning on going in on the weekends on these two weeks off until 11pm. When I kicked off about it he says my mum can help me.

He says I am overreacting and trying to control what he does.

He also says it was just a thought but if he feels like he needs money he will go and I shouldn't try to control him.

I'm panicking now.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

StealthMama · 17/04/2024 18:26

Fabdy · 17/04/2024 17:11

Thank you everyone for your responses. What would you say to him to make him realise he's being ridiculous? Or would you not say anything at all

I would tell him if he can't be there to fully support you and his children when you are al at your most vulnerable, then he needn't be there at all and he can leave.

It's not controlling to seek support from the children's father and your partners, he is gaslighting you and make a me curious about whether he is working these days at all.

Bigcoatweather · 17/04/2024 19:09

My DH went back to work 2 weeks after my first C-section - I think between us we hadn’t clicked how long the recovery would take. The thing is that everyone is different and this is a pretty big abdominal surgical operation. I was definitely up and around (but still a bit fragile) in a week, but nowhere near recovered enough to be lifting a baby in and out of the bath at the end of a day.

On week 4 I walked to the check-in clinic at the other side of town because it was too early in recovery to drive and the nurse was shocked.
In my opinion, you need help on hand. for at least 3 weeks - not all day, but a considerable amount.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/04/2024 19:21

You aren’t supposed to lift anything heavier than your baby. So how are you going to manage another child. I think it was around 7 days before my stitches came out.

Overthebow · 17/04/2024 19:24

It might be a while until you can properly look after your 1 year old and baby, it might even be longer than 2 weeks before you can lift the older one. Does your 1 year old go to nursery?

Lavender14 · 17/04/2024 19:31

Op I'm sorry that's not what you need from him right now. I think for me the bit that is worst about this is him labeling you controlling as a means to shut down whatever response you could have given to challenge him. That's worrying behaviour from him for a start - is this normal for him to be so controlling himself?

I had a section with ds. I needed help in and out of our shower which was in our bath, needed help with some bits of dressing especially in the first week. I pulled my stitches the first day of the third week trying to do too much as dh had no choice but to go back to work after 2 weeks. With a toddler it would be extremely difficult to care for them and realistically they might want you or him more than your mum .

It's major surgery. It was a wonderful experience and I loved every moment of it, but it was a big deal and at times after I felt very vulnerable and hormonal and exhausted. His attitude is worrying.

I would tell him that you're undergoing major surgery, that your family unit is going to change massively and while you chose this, your other dc won't understand why things are suddenly different and may need more attention to feel secure as a result. You may need some support that isn't appropriate to come from your mum and really it's sounding like he just doesn't want to be the one left with the childcare and housework etc. So I'd want to know if he's in my team or not. And if he needs the money them I'd be asking what he knows about your finances that you don't.

Dh cried his eyes out on his way back to work after two weeks he didn't want to leave ds. I can't understand someone not wanting to be there if they had the option.

StampOnTheGround · 17/04/2024 19:40

I'd show him some of these comments OP.

I had a c section with baby number 1 and I didn't change a nappy for a week, my DH was doing everything like handing me the baby, getting him sorted, helping me out etc. This was without a 1 year old around too.

It's major surgery, he's being ridiculous and you need to not over do it so you can recover fast!

sparkellie · 17/04/2024 19:40

Just want to throw this into the mix.. saying you are being controlling is a way of controlling you. It puts you on the back foot and makes you feel unreasonable to ask anything of him. It's something my ex used to do to me, and while we were together it totally worked. I would back right off from asking him to do anything other than what he wanted and it meant he could live his life without any responsibility for anything. You are not being unreasonable or controlling. You are asking him to step up, it's part of being in a relationship and having a family. In all honesty I would sit down with him and explain that the world doesn't revolve around him, and if he wants to be part of a family that involves sacrificing some of the things he might want to do because it's not in the best interests of everyone. If he can't do that he needs to step away and let you find your way yourself and he can have the freedom that is so important to him. He can't have both.

PastaBaby2024 · 17/04/2024 19:44

As a pregnant woman also about to have a C section...I would kick him out. He clearly doesn't understand nor care what C section means and how much his support would mean to you. He doesn't actually want to be a father and a decent man and there is NOTHING you can do to change that.

You can't change a person. You accept him how he is, get your mum to help or you kick him out.

Olika · 17/04/2024 19:57

I would tell him that you agreed to have this second child as he told you he would be there to help you. And now he is going against his word. So if you cannot count on him doing what he said he would then what's the point in being together.

PoppyCherryDog · 17/04/2024 19:59

Wow I’d be fuming. My husband ended up taking three weeks off (one week extra) as I had a c section and just wasn’t ready to be on my own yet.

Hes had 9 months to save money if that’s an issue… he also shouldn’t go back on his word. You are not being controlling! C section recovery is hard!

Original poster

Fabdy · 17/04/2024 20:00

Thanks everyone, I've read every message and you all give such good advice. I'm going to craft a response based on what you have all said. It's nice to hear I'm not being crazy which is how I felt before I typed this thread

OP posts:

yipyipyip · 17/04/2024 20:25

Could an online course on c sections ( honest midwife one was good) or a chat with your consultant make him realise how much support you will need?
I had a c section and despite all my research I was surprised by how painful the recovery was.
Put yourself first and make sure you have the support you need even if it's not support from your partner. Moving forward life with two is lovely but hard and your partner needs to step up.

legalseagull · 17/04/2024 20:35

What a dick. If he'd had his stomach cut open, muscles ripped and organs moved would he be happy looking after 2 kids alone a few days later? Prick.

(Not meaning to scare you. I've had 2 CS and recovered fine, but that first week is essential to have help)

ChateauMargaux · 17/04/2024 20:39

How about: This baby has literally controlled my body for 9 months and I will be on maternity leave meeting it's every need 24 / 7... I did not make this baby on my own.. we do not live in the 1900's. Paternity leave exists so fathers can support their families in the weeks after birth... why do you think I should be the one to bear 100% of the burden of our children?

orangeleopard · 17/04/2024 21:02

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, he is a dick. I was a single parent from the day my son was born (fled from his abusive dad), I had a C-section and had sepsis during labor yet I had to do it all on my own since the day my son was born. I did struggle a lot, but I had no other option and it’s one of those things that you have to ‘get on with’. Obviously help would be ideal but if you can’t, it’s one of those things that you have to accept and just deal with it unfortunately. He's really not worth it though and men like this seem to up their nasty/abusive behaviour when women are most vulnerable such as pregnancy/new mum. So please look after yourself x

RachCBas84 · 17/04/2024 21:17

I had a c section and ended up staying in hospital for the first 10 days! It's major surgery and even if you are out quickly, it's sore and you'll be shattered. You will need help looking after both children for a while. He should be the one to do this!

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