Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dilemma is stressing me out

28 replies

SimplyTheGuest · 17/04/2024 13:01

Occasionally my partner brings up a fling I had 30 years ago before he & I started going out together a few months later. He knew the other person involved & won't let me forget it ( we all worked in the same large company).

He brought it up again five days ago & I am so angry! I would have forgotten about it years ago if he didn't keep reminding me!!
I keep telling him IT'S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS, we were NOT even together then!

I haven't spoken to him since (not difficult as we have always had separate houses) & I still don't feel ready to speak to him, but this is where I have a dilemma (and the reason for this post)

In five days time he is due to go into hospital for a knee operation that he's waited three years for. He will be relying on me to get him there & well, just be there for him.

I won't see him stuck but I just feel its going to be strained between us (& I'm not ready to forgive him as its felt like a hangman's noose over my head for 30 years!)
What can I do, I will need to be there for him but my head is all over the place? 🤦‍♀️

YABU - He's going for an operation & doesn't need an atmosphere between you both?

YANBU - He's messed with your head & so can't expect you to just forget it?

OP posts:
iLovee · 17/04/2024 13:09

Oh that would drive me absolutely insane.

He needs to talk to you and apologise. I might be petty, but there is no way I would communicate first over this. He's got 3/4 days to sort it out before the OP becomes an issue.

TheOriginalEmu · 17/04/2024 13:13

What exactly is his issue with a relationship you and 30 YEARS ago before you were even together??
I’d let him sort himself out for the op tbh. He needs to either drop this topic or I’d be leaving.

MILTOBE · 17/04/2024 13:15

It's up to him now. If he wants to apologise then he could have a lift. If he doesn't, he doesn't. And if he doesn't, I hope his pain relief wears off very quickly!

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 17/04/2024 13:16

Maybe he can find someone he treats better to ferry him around. Doubtful there is anyone... Am I correct?
Do you want this shit for another 30 years? Maybe drop him at the hospital then block him.

icelollycraving · 17/04/2024 13:23

So he’s been jealous for 30 years? 30 years of your life, of which you get just one?!
I would be available but I would wait to be asked. Is there anyone else who’s going to help him? Probably not.
He’s unlikely to squash this after 30 years so are you willing to have your last 30 listening to the same nonsense.

GladysHeeler · 17/04/2024 13:29

YANBU.

What do you want beyond the operation?

I don't know why getting to the hospital for a knee operation is such a huge ordeal that it needs to be prioritised over how you feel.

PoochiesPinkEars · 17/04/2024 13:31

That's mad!!
Who is bringing up previous boyfriends 30 years later. Utterly batshit ... I wouldn't be remotely impressed or fighting about it unless he apologised for being a total knob.

GymBergerac · 17/04/2024 13:38

If you've never actually said the words before, please tell him
"Your constant harping on about a brief relationship I had over a quarter of a century ago, BEFORE we were an item, is exhausting, and is no longer acceptable. I want to be able to help you during and after your surgery, but I want to clear the air about this non-issue FROM THE PAST. If you cannot let it lie once and for all, our relationship is over"

And then please stick to it; this will break you in the end (speaking from experience)

PearlPam · 17/04/2024 13:42

He sounds awful. I would take him and collect him from the hospital then dump him.

Post op knee recuperation is easy enough to manage if he's usually fit and well.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 17/04/2024 13:48

He is a manchild but be the bigger person here over his operation OP

Realistically this needs an ultimatum - Bring it up again and we are DONE

and you need to absolutely mean it

Applescruffle · 17/04/2024 13:50

People can be soooo weird about their partner's past relationships.

I had a girl message me out of the blue telling me that so-and-so was in a relationship with her now so I need to be aware of that and not speak to him any more.

I went out with him in 2005-2006 for a grand total of 10 months, when I was a teenager. I am married to my partner of 17 years and we have two kids. I haven't spoken to my "ex" in well over a decade, have no idea where he lives or what he's doing with his life and haven't even thought about him for almost as long as I haven't seen him.

Wierdos. Seriously. 30 years and he still can't trust you.

MILTOBE · 17/04/2024 13:58

@Applescruffle I would have had to say something like, "I'll tell him when I see him tonight."

Applescruffle · 17/04/2024 14:03

MILTOBE · 17/04/2024 13:58

@Applescruffle I would have had to say something like, "I'll tell him when I see him tonight."

I so should have done.

But now I think about it, he did cheat on me with half of the town while trying to with the other half so she was probably feeling a bit insecure. And he made up bizaare stories too so maybe he told her I was still in his life.

So strange though. I'm sure he had many other girlfriends since me between the ages of 19 and 37!

Original poster
SimplyTheGuest · 17/04/2024 14:30

He is a very stubborn man, I can't see him making the first move in communicating.

He has a heart condition as well. He's been told to leave out a one of his meds two days before the op & on the day to leave out a couple & I'm worrying he'll get them mixed up. He's not losing his marbles, just not too savvy when it comes to his health.

I really appreciate your replies, it's good to get the opinions of others, especially on the 30 years ago fling. The other guy is even dead now (we went to his funeral a few years ago).
I'm starting to think that it's probably his pride that's been hurt because I didn't choose him first.

OP posts:
Biggybigbiggles · 17/04/2024 14:33

It was odd, but then got even more strange now you say the other guy is dead! Thanks bonkers.

How long have you been with him? 30 years?

Riverlee · 17/04/2024 14:37

Fling seems an odd choice of words. Were you having an affair with the boss, or even a regular relationship with someone more senior.?

Why is do so hung up my about it?

I think you need to speak to him. Ask him precisely what the issue is and remind him that everyone has history . I presume he wasn’t a virgin when you met. Maybe ask him for a list of all his ex so you can critique them.

Original poster
SimplyTheGuest · 17/04/2024 14:54

@Biggybigbiggles 29 years

@Riverlee What's odd about "fling"?
It was two (not consecutive) nights with someone in a lower grade job than my partner.
I wish I knew the answer to why is he so hung up about it!

OP posts:
ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 17/04/2024 15:21

I'd give it a day or two. Then message and say "let me know if you need any help over next few days"

If he asks for help I would help and raise this after. But put it on him to ask do t just help

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 17/04/2024 15:24

So he has flounced? Last time my dm flounced I didn't contact her for 10 years.. Leave him to it ime. You won't regret it.

LookItsMeAgain · 17/04/2024 15:30

I'd contact him now by text and say "I need time to process that you keep thinking it's acceptable bringing up a relationship that I had 30 years ago with someone when I was not in a relationship with you. With that in mind, I'd recommend that you organise your own taxi service to and from the hospital for your upcoming procedure. I'll be in touch with you when I've had time to process what you've done."

Then you've fulfilled your part of making sure he's not stuck for a lift (by telling him as he's a big boy now he can phone for a taxi and you have given yourself time to deal with the fact that he keeps bringing this relationship up over and over again.

Don't put yourself up for another punching (emotionally speaking) if he has donet this repeatedly to you in the past.

mammaCh · 17/04/2024 15:33

Let him get a taxi.

LookItsMeAgain · 17/04/2024 15:34

SimplyTheGuest · 17/04/2024 14:30

He is a very stubborn man, I can't see him making the first move in communicating.

He has a heart condition as well. He's been told to leave out a one of his meds two days before the op & on the day to leave out a couple & I'm worrying he'll get them mixed up. He's not losing his marbles, just not too savvy when it comes to his health.

I really appreciate your replies, it's good to get the opinions of others, especially on the 30 years ago fling. The other guy is even dead now (we went to his funeral a few years ago).
I'm starting to think that it's probably his pride that's been hurt because I didn't choose him first.

Neither of these things are your issues to resolve. These are most definitely 'him' issues.

He needs to look after his medication himself.
He needs to address his stubbornness himself - if he doesn't, this will be lurking over your shoulder like a dark cloud.
He needs to sort out his own transport to/from hospital like anyone does.

Not issues that you have to fix. They are his to sort.

Haydenn · 17/04/2024 15:38

If he’s so stubborn he can’t apologise for being a pillock he can use some of that stubbornness to get himself to the hospital.

He doesn’t get to be a dick and then have you make the first move. If he wants to repair this- fine he can.

PriOn1 · 17/04/2024 15:40

LookItsMeAgain · 17/04/2024 15:30

I'd contact him now by text and say "I need time to process that you keep thinking it's acceptable bringing up a relationship that I had 30 years ago with someone when I was not in a relationship with you. With that in mind, I'd recommend that you organise your own taxi service to and from the hospital for your upcoming procedure. I'll be in touch with you when I've had time to process what you've done."

Then you've fulfilled your part of making sure he's not stuck for a lift (by telling him as he's a big boy now he can phone for a taxi and you have given yourself time to deal with the fact that he keeps bringing this relationship up over and over again.

Don't put yourself up for another punching (emotionally speaking) if he has donet this repeatedly to you in the past.

I think this sounds good. If he does want to come back, and you let him, you need to make it clear that raising this topic again is a dealbreaker for you. Then you need to stick to that. To be bringing this up when the other person is actually dead (wtf?) is ridiculous. If you were still working with and in close contact with an old fling, I might be able to understand it (though even then, I probably wouldn’t put up with it) but this is insane.

Rickrolypoly · 17/04/2024 15:48

You still live separately after 30 years together- wow that is unusual.

in what way does he bring it up? In a jokey way or angry and making you feel bad? What was wrong with the other person that you should be made to feel uncomfortable about- were they married?

The whole thing is bonkers.

Also- just tell him to get a taxi if you dont want to bring him.