To think kids should be more than just a visitor in exH house?

[Sadformykids]

Divorced several years, 2 kids now older teens
For the first couple of years ex used every excuse in the book not to have kids overnight..
-no oven (but had working hob & microwave)
-no toilet upstairs ( but fully functioning bathroom downstairs)
-loose floorboard in lounge (kids over 10 yrs old so crap excuse imo)
eventually he bought a house - 3 bedroom but only furnished 2 bedrooms so DS had to sleep on a blowup.
The kids weren’t allowed to keep anything there- no games, toys books, clothes etc so had to take an overnight bag every time they visited.
eventually they stopped staying over as in their words “we don’t feel like we can relax there, we’re just visitors it’s not our home”

also they’ve never been allowed to be in his house when he’s not there - son recently had an appt in his home town and because of other commitments I had to drop him 2 hours b4 appt. He asked his dad if he could go there and hang round but was told “no, I have to go out and I’m not having you in my house when I’m not there”

for info he lives in his own and always has done.

DD hardly ever sees him now and he goes all woe is me and can’t see he’s done anything wrong!
is this how divorced dads behave?! Surely his home should be their ‘second home’
or is it just me having unrealistic expectations???

He doesn't care about his kids and they will be well aware of that. Every time he complains, remind him of this fact.

Not all Dad's are like that but theirs is. His daughter already sees him for what he is. The fact he has continued to live alone and hasn't got a partner is interesting as a lot of men seem to move quite quickly so it's perhaps a general thing of other people in his space than something specific to them. Either way he's an arse and at least they have you.

Just remember that when they grow into adults, it will be you they visit, not him.

My son has never done overnights at his dads except once very recently and we have been separated for 6 years. He goes over there most weeks for a few hours. I don’t mind because my son is happy with the set up. This is his home.

DD hardly ever sees him now and he goes all woe is me and can’t see he’s done anything wrong!
is this how divorced dads behave?!

Now, this sounds familiar. But it's not a universal; some fathers love their children and want to spend time with them and to build and maintain a good relationship with their children. Just some (narcissists?) are never the ones to blame, but it's first the other parent's fault for 'setting the child up against them' and later the adult child's fault. Never the unengaged dad's.

When he complains respond with 'you treat the appallingly' and don't entertain conversation beyond that.

His loss

Sounds like my dad when my parents split. But he had a new woman. Even now it's like visiting an uncle. Sucks, but I sorta accepted it as the status quo

@Precipice funny you should say that… I’ve long thought he has narcissistic tendencies
I’ve always been very careful never to bad mouth him even though he gave me plenty of ammo to and bizarrely blames me for the breakup of our marriage ( let’s just say HE broke the marriage vows, not me) but it seems like the kids are working it out for themselves.
i just feel sad and rather guilty for choosing such a shit father for them😢

for info he lives in his own and always has done

He's a weirdo and your DC would be well justified in going NC

No point in feeling guilty about choosing him as their Dad, they wouldnt be them if you’d chosen someone else!

You're not being unreasonable.
Some Dads just only want to see their children when it suits them and it seems to me that he's been making excuses when it wasn't convenient for him.
So much of your OP reminds me of my Dad.
Seeing now, how my Dad insisted I travel 3 hours to see him from the age of 11, whereas my colleagues partner does a 5 hour round trip to collect his children; really made me realise how much my Dad did not prioritise our relationship at all compared to other people's Dads. I've come to terms with it but it still hurts sometimes. I can't be bothered to ever address it with him though, I don't care enough anymore to try and improve our relationship.
I personally see my relationship as an uncle level, but I honestly believe he thinks our relationship is totally normal. There's definitely some delusion there though as he had another child with another woman who's 16 years younger than me and there is a vast difference is his expectations and relationship.
I've only seen him once a year since I was 18, though he's been trying to instigate more frequent visits since I had my daughter.

No, it's definitely not how all divorced men behave. My step kid has her own room and we are very happy to leave her home by herself. I have to say, her dad is more uncomfortable about her being alone because he still thinks she is completely helpless at 14 but certainly no concerns in principle about her being unsupervised at ours.

I don't think you need to protect him anymore. Perhaps it's time to be more open about what you put up with for the kids sake. They will only respect you more for honesty.

Definitely do not protect him in front of your kids, I rarely think it's a good idea to do that regardless of the ages of the kids but especially when they are a bit older. You don't want to make such behaviour look normal or give them the idea that they shouldn't expect to be more important than that. It will just make them feel like they aren't good enough, regardless of how much you try and over compensate. Make sure they know it's not them, it's him that's unpleasant and weird.