Boyfriend upset with me for seemingly not showing enough concern when he was ill.

[Freckles81]

I am grieving the loss of a family member atm (she passed Fri), so I am a bit emotional and not able to process things clearly, and need an outside perspective.

We live together and I have sacrificed an international, very well paid career to stay with him in a small village in the UK (but am hoping to return to this previous career in a year or so). I am infertile, no kids.

I do the lionshare of household duties as I am home more and am a very loving, attentive partner.

Yesterday he told me he has had something on his mind that has been bothering him and needed to speak to me about. A month ago, after I looked after him for a full day when he was sick (I turned down supply teaching to do so, losing money), and he then decided to go back to work the next day, I didn't seem concerned enough about him, as I agreed he should go back to work if he wanted to and felt up to it.

He said he felt I just wanted him out of the way and so didn't really care enough for him at that moment. I had looked after him the day before and he was adamant that he wanted to return, and seemed better, so I agreed that if he felt ready to go back to work he should. I also wanted to be available to work that day if supply teaching jobs came through, as I too needed the money, and apparently he felt that 'energy' e.g. lack of concern towards him, and it made him feel I didn't care enough.

I even texted him that day to tell him to come home if he felt he wasn’t well enough to be there once he got there, but he declined, saying he needed the money. However, he harbours resentment against me for my seeming lack of care for him by not encouraging him to take another day off and for me to stay home to look after him again. I see this as incredibly needy. He is a man and not a baby/child who needs me to decide whether he stays off work and gets looked after.

He has been feeling v upset about this, which to me is a non issue, and brought it up to me whilst I am trying to grieve for my family member but put a happy face on it so as not to ruin our evenings together. The fact he has done this now, when I am grieving and feeling delicate, has really upset me. It seems such a trivial thing to carry and to raise with me whilst I am so emotional.

The act in question happened about a month ago and it has been bothering him since, even on his mind when he wakes up in the night! To me it was nothing in the grand scheme of things.

He also said that lately I have been short with him but couldn't give me examples. I had recently been signed off sick with stress by my Doctor due to violence and aggression in the classroom on long term supply, and money has been a bit of an issue so I have been extra stressed recently. I definitely have not been myself but can't think I have ever been annoyed or short with him. I try my best to put on a brave face and look at positives.

I feel upset and resentful that I prioritise him in all areas of my life, have sacrificed money, and an international career, as well as sacrificed living near friends and family, and all of my love and care seems undone by one morning in which I didn't seem suitably concerned that he wasn't well enough to go to work, despite him deciding that he wanted to.

He is now apologetic but I feel so upset with him and am considering asking him to move out and going back to him staying over 2 or 3 times per week, instead of living in my house full time with me, but am I being unnecessarily reactive here?

I would really appreciate outsiders' perspectives on this as I am grieving and emotional at the moment!

Manipulative and controlling

Im sorry about your family member.

I think theres more to it than this, i think your partner feels neglected in general? Without seeming 'attacky' , you do seem resentful about 'giving' opportunities up...does he feel that? You talk work a lot. Not blaming you oc, just observation from your post xxx

If he was umming and ahhing about whether to go back to work, he clearly didn't need looking after! I can't remember a time when either me or my husband had to take a day off work to look after the other - other than post childbirth. Could he walk? Get himself medicine and a drink easily enough? Then you were not needed. Also I wouldn't appreciate him expecting you to read his mind and not take his insistence that he was well enough to go into work, at face value.

I've messaged him explaining that perhaps I lack the motherly or maternal nature he's looking for if he needed me to prevent him going to work or be encouaging him not to go back to work (painful stomach cramps and fever- not abheart attack or hospital!!!), and that I am so currently burnt out from teaching stress, isolation, money woes and now grief, and so am struggling to know how I could give more and how this has made me wonder if he needs soemone who is more mothering for him....and he has coldly texted back that he has no idea how I have reached the conclusion that he wants mothering.

Jesus Christ.

The moral is indeed do not give up your career for a man.

He is very loving, but I now wonder if that love is when everything is going how he likes it, and when I have needs or am seemingly not prioritising him he dislikes it and finds a reason to hold me to account.

Good point made above- he has had a month to talk with me about it so why now??

What a pathetic man-child.

This level of not only the neediness but also the brewing on it for a month would give me such a serious case of the ick that I don’t know I could get over it.

maybe his nose is generally out of joint from you grieving and he feels the world should revolve around him.

Let me guess, he has never stayed home to look after you when you were ill, and would never consider doing so.

Was this manipulative creep wearing the Dressing Gown of Doom during his dire illness?

You have given up a career, and living away from your family, for this man, and are stressed as a result. Is he supporting you with this or just accusing you of being snappy? What has he sacrificed for your relationship?

Jesus OP he sounds like a manchild - he needs his mummy to look after him on a sick day. WTF have I just read. And this is regardless of what a hard time you are having regarding your relative (sorry for your loss).

Get rid and try and re-apply for that job or somethings as goods as. He sounds absolutely pathetic.

Ugh, he wants you to be his mummy and have your full attention at all times. So unattractive coming from a grown man.

All good questions.

Move the clingy child out.

Nice text @Freckles81 , I'm sure he was very put out about the "mothering".
I said on another post something relevant to your position, that even with your own house,money and job a lot of men still expect women to slot into their lives and you did just that, didn't you? Good career on hold, living where he wants to, doing housework to make up for your lower income, and see the thanks you get.

and after moving the clingy child out, don't waste your time in continuing to ' date ' him by seeing him 2 or 3 times a week - why ???, you've tried living together

it isn't working out.
so it won't work out if you lived together again and it won't work out if you marry.

so don't waste any more of your time, and your life !
move on, onwards and upwards.

He just sounds resentful that the centre of your world hasn't been him for the last month or so.

You've given up so much to be with him, and yet he's upset because you weren't in a position to 'worry' about his health enough when he had a simple viral illness?

I'm afraid he'll never be able to see things from your point of view, simply because your point of view at the moment doesn't have him 'front and center' of your thoughts 100% of the time.

Anything less than 100% will never be enough for this 'man child'.

Did you use to teach internationally? Leave him and go back to it, there's still time to get a new job for the next academic year and the kids in international private schools won't make you feel like shit when you're doing your best.

I'm so sorry you're going through this @Freckles81 and I'm sorry for your loss.
He just can't stand your attention elsewhere can he? He's manipulating you at every opportunity. I would imagine if you sit down and think about it you will remember lots of other occasions where he has behaved like this - to get your attention.
I remember reading somewhere (can't remember where) that even narcissists can appear loving - they do love you in their own way - but its more like needing you rather than genuine love. They actually don't need anyone in particular - just anyone who will give them the undivided attention they crave.

I think your Mum referring to him as clingy is also seeing some red flags - but perhaps hasn't voiced her concerns more obviously. Talk to her - and listen. She can see him from the outside.

I think your instinct to ask him to move back out is a good one. Please bear in mind that abusers and narcissists behaviour will escalate at the point of separation. So do be careful and expect his behaviour to get worse.

Give yourself time to grieve (alone) and once you are feeling more yourself you can decide what to do. personally - I'd be looking to get back into that high flying career you mentioned - but you'll be the one that knows when the time is right for that.

Good Luck.

Oh he's now gaslighting you as well.

What's the point of him?

I have asked him to clarify further what the issue is in black and white, because in my emotional state I need to know explicitly what the issue is/was and he has said 'As I have tried to explain, it was more about the feeling of being wanted out of the way, not lack of affection or attention. I definitely do not expect you to be the one who always makes me happy.'

But what if I did want him out of the way (I didn't btw); say I had wanted the day to myself after looking after him...why on earth should that bother him? Would that be enough to ruminate on for an entire month?!

This is excellent advice. You are grieving and burnt out, you’re not sleeping and probably on the edge of adrenaline all the time - none of this is your fault.

You want - as anyone would want - a partner who supports you through all of this, but his recent actions have indicated otherwise.

I wouldn’t rush to make any decision while you are still so sad and stressed, taking time - however long it is - will help you see things for how they are. The difference will be that after thinking it over you will feel stronger and more determined about the next steps, sometimes people make snap judgements and end up on a revolving door of leaving and going back to people, purely because they aren’t confident in their decision made in the heat of the moment. Taking some time will also help you to put some steps in place to escape if that’s what you want to do. I wish you all the best.

I wouldn't waste your time & energy tying yourself in knots trying to figure out what he wants; life is too short and you can do better! You sound like a lovely considerate person, dump this needy tosser and enjoy your life.

OP, he's twisting his words and trying to get you tangled and tripped up so you apologise to him. So next time, you'll make yourself smaller. Won't voice your needs. Keep quiet. Do what you're told.

This is what he wants. There's very little point in trying to reason with him, he's not operating in good faith. He's not the man you thought he was.

I think I would just reply

"I feel that perhaps we are just fundamentally incompatible"

He is a massive man child who can't stand not being the centre of your attention! This is a huge red flag op!

Agree 100%^

Now he’s texting you denying he wants mothering and saying you wanted him out of the way?! You’re grieving and busy and he’s a full grown adult who can deal with a mild illness himself. Don’t give up work to look after him ever again, he’s pathetic and you deserve better.