Worried about a friend

[Grumppy]

If someone told you a close friend had something devastating happen, think along the lines of a much loved long term pet had died that they had for years and a massive part of their life and that someone was saying to you that they were worried the person was suicidal, could i check on them (as the person who told me were away at the moment for a week) but not mention the pet dying part as they said it was a secret and it would upset friend even more if they knew i knew. So i tried to arrange to meet friend but last minute, friend cancelled. Then a day or so after i dropped flowers by (i was really worried about them, they live with two kids) and said briefly on the doorstep that i was checking they were ok because id heard pet had died, sorry to hear about it etc. they were fine, fine about me knowing but obv upset. Weve met up since and this person is fine about it and seems sad but over it imo

im now in the wrong for doing that and the person who told me has gone mental and called me a “fucking idiot” and blocked me on messages/facebook etc because i went to check on the friend and mentioned i knew “when they specifically said not to mention the pet dying”. I was really worried about the friend and felt, with what the person was saying about them being suicidal, i couldn’t not check on them. Have i been unreasonable here?

you were in a difficult position and did what you thought best at the time. If it was such a massive secret the other person should t have told you. It’s an unfortunate outcome. I hope the bereaved friend is ok.

YANBU - the person who told you is. Blocking you, going mental and calling you a fucking idiot - sounds like someone who just loves drama and telling people what to do and have exaggerated your friends response to their pet dying for this purpose. Block this person back and completely avoid them in future - they sound like trouble.

I probably wouldn't have mentioned the pet dying but maybe popped round and said I was in the area. Chatty friend might have not have wanted dead pet friend to think people had been gossiping about her. It's an extreme reaction to start blocking you and calling you a fucking idiot though.

Ive been through something really similar and fallen out with a friend over it.
Given that you had been told your friend was suicidal, IMO that info trumps the need to keep a secret to your other friend (you say person but I’m assuming friend).
If the person who told you really didn’t want you to act on that information, then that was on them to keep the secret.

You weren't unreasonable to check on her. If she told her other friend in confidence about the death of the pet, then the other friend shouldn't have told you - that's probably why she's angry.

I get that you have said 'the death of a pet' to avoid the thread being identifiable, but there might be nuances we are not understanding because we don't know what the upsetting thing was (this isn't a request for you to say, obviously!). You shouldn't have mentioned that you knew about this, however your intentions were good,.

I don’t think you’ve been unreasonable. If the person informing you broke your friend’s confidence, then they are at fault. If they wanted you to check up on that person, they could have said they were worried, but not given you the reason, or could have said they had promised not to tell you.

Given that you had the information, it would seem false to go round and pretend you didn’t know. Much more straightforward to go round and give your condolences, as you did.

Is the person who told you the secret someone you value and will regret losing? If so, I would go round and explain why you did what you did. It’s completely understandable that you would want to go check on your friend and it would have been much more awkward to pretend you didn’t know. Checking on your friend outweighed other considerations.

I don't think you should have mentioned that you knew the specifics of why they were upset, just a "I heard you were a bit down and I wanted to check in on you" would probably have been better. But what's done is done and you did what you thought was best at the time. As others have said, the friend shouldn't have told you specifics if it was supposed ti be a secret, they in turn could just have said friend was struggling due to a personal issue and they were worried they were suicidal. It's not on of them to go so over the top about it, it's probably embarrassment from being the one to betray the confidence.

ok i was trying to be vague on my initial op as its a bit outing but for context - person & friend are my two sisters. Sister whose pet died doesnt have a lot of people around her (single parent, no one bff to call on for support)

i feel i did the right thing on checking on her. She lives around 40 minutes from me, so just dropping by would have felt odd as we normally arrange to meet up vs dropping in unannounced.

You were not being unreasonable for checking up on her, but YABU to have gone and said what you were asked not to. So your sister who confided in your other sister will possibly now feel like she has no one to confide in. You've possibly broken the trust.

It would have been odd/awkward to pop in to see her though as id already tried to meet and she had declined. I felt i had to confess i knew in this circumstance. I couldnt not go and check on her given the talk about suicide!

That changes things a fair amount - your sister 'friend' was still immature to block you etc. though and it is her that has broken the trust, although as as she was asking you to check in on your other sister it makes more sense now and is understandable. It all seems like quite a silly way to go about things and breeds mistrust. Complicated as sisters. I would take what you can learn from all of this. Maybe check in on your single sister more often, and be more wary of your drama sister.

Might have been better to say to sister 1 that sister 2 asked me to check on you, she's worried but didn't say why. That would have left it up to sister 1 whether to confide in you. Your other sister is angry that you've given away that she betrayed a confidence. It's an awful situation to be put in though and you did what you thought was best at the time. Just acknowledge to sister 2 that you may have dropped her in it, but it was done with the best of intentions in difficult circumstances.

You did the best you could. They shouldn't be coming out with claims that people are suicidal, pushing you into a panic. This person obviously betrayed your friends confidence by telling you anything, and then they are trying to place the blame on you. Speak to the bereaved friend again when she's feeling better and see if she can smooth things over with the other one. If they still don't want to know you, well it's their loss.

Update- This is still rumbling on. Shes still flat out refusing to talk to me “as ive not apologised”. Called me pig headed and still believes shes in the right. Ive apologised twice in this time and reached out to her a number of times. Who is being pig headed 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🙄

Don't apologise any more - you did what you thought was right with good intentions.