To think I've failed as an adult?

[failedme]

I can't drive. I can't cook any decent meals. I can't keep a job when I have one (never been fired but I can't stick at it, even when I've really wanted it). Didn't go to uni. I have anxiety which is limiting in some aspects of life. I just feel like I can't do anything that a 'proper' adult can do. AIBU to feel like I've failed at being an adult? 28 btw.

I have a good DP and two good DC. I'm working my notice period currently at work, they've found someone else now anyway. I haven't ever been fired but I struggle mentally to hold down a job. As soon as I'm there, I'm looking for other jobs. Luckily DP's wage is enough but obviously the extra money is good to have. Feel like I'm letting everyone down by not being able to do these things.

Yes

Oh and the DC being the ages they are, I can't just go to uni. Plus the subjects I like are humanity ones and it's just like what's the point. Who does a philosophy or theology degree and works in that field irl.

I tried making an omelette two weeks ago and DP had to rescue it from burning. He does all of the cooking (dinner wise) but he does enjoy it.

So you are good at sustaining a happy marriage? And have built yourself a family and a home? Some people look their whole lives for that. It is something to be celebrated and cherished. Relationships take work and you are clearly doing well there!

I could have written the work part of your list myself. I do get it. Something that age has taught me though is that it doesn’t make ME a failure, it just means that I need to adapt my plans to better fit my needs. As a pp said, you could consider part time or freelance work if you want to try another way.

Being able to hold down a 9-5 job (happily), cook or drive does not define you. The way that you interact with other people, the values you live by and the impact you make on the world is what defines you. I am sure that you are everything to your family and friends.

I don't have any friends. I get on with the people I work with but not any friends as such. Family maybe, but I wouldn't say I was good at relationships per se, I stayed in an abusive one for six years. My current job is 4 days so part time anyway.

No way failing if you have kids!! That's full on adulting right there! Respect.
I'm 10yrs older and only just had a baby. At 28 I still felt like a teenager although im sure from outside i looked like a confident young adult. It takes everyone different times to feel 'mature'.

Also your post screamed adhd to me as well. My DP has autism and adhd ( high functioning, he is supper cleaver and really kind and quirky in a cute way ) - he could have written your post regarding jobs especially.

You sound very similar in capability to me at your age. I'm autistic (and possibly dyspraxic).

Sorry that you feel as you do. I was in the same boat at 28. I'm now 48. I had my kid at 37 after a 10 yr fertility journey, passed my driving test at 39, bought a shared ownership at 40 and studied to be a social worker at 46...
It's horrid to feel as you do...when you are younger you have a timescale or plan in your head... and then life doesn't pan out as you think. I hope hearing from others that did stuff in their 30's and 40's helps shifting your view that you ve failed as an adult.

You haven't failed as an adult. You're only 28. According to my daughter you don't become an adult until you're 31.....she has 3 days to learn. 😁

So you were in an abusive marriage, people that tend to end up in abusive marriages tend (although not always) to have other vulnerabilities whether that's from their upbringing or other reasons which is likely to have a knock on effect to the way you are feeling.

It's hard to have friends as an adult, you'll often find threads on here about mum's that don't have them. I don't particularly although occasionally meet up with colleagues from my former workplace. Friendships take a while to develop getting out and joining groups is your best bet, expect it to take at least 6 months to stop being the new person and to start being engaged as part of the group or 'inner circle'. I think it can take longer than expected to be fully apart of a group as people don't want to expend energy on someone new that might up and leave.

Alot of what you are saying points to autism/ADHD or trauma they are a tricky web to unwind but if you had similar struggles as a child it's worth investigating even if it just gives you validation.

It sounds like you are in a negative spiral, you need to turn those negatives into a positive. You successfully left an abusive relationship. You successfully work 4 days a week even though it's challenging....etc etc.

As an aside I actually preferred learning to drive as an adult, having that time to invest in me and learn a new skill did me the world of good in a way that wouldn't have benefitted me at 17.

First of all there is just one template on how to live your life.

You are still young and you might just not have found the right job/career yet and you can retrain or go to university if you want. This days most people don't have a job for life anymore and have different careers through their lifetime.

As long as you manage to feed yourself well there is also no need to cook like a chef!

I lived in London for decades and never bothered to get a car either. No need for it. I still don't have one as I live close to shops and there is a bus stop 5 minutes from my house.

As others have said there could something going on as well in the background in term of your anxiety and restlessness that might be worth exploring.

But really stop comparing yourself to others and instead focus on following your own path.

I didn't go to uni till I was 27, didn't learn to drive till I was 36 and have only in the last two years stopped living on 10k a year. I did learn to cook when I was a teen/ya as that's how to make ends meet when you're not wealthy. But still have to use recipes! And never have the attention span for complicated things. I just learnt a few standards and stuck to them. If I'm left to my own devices I eat houmous and rivita for dinner even now hah.

The adhd thing has been said of me by friends and family, but maybe it's not so great to invest your energies there. Maybe just find things that do sustain your interests. Maybe try taking a course in something you enjoy as a beginner to HE. I did a high school level art course at 25 and ended up going to three prestigious art schools (and got funding for all but a small part of it). I just mean, if you start by something very small (a council/govt funded evening course) you could end up doing things that satisfy you a lot. I also did evening courses that I didn't stick to while finding the course that took me where I am.

I have now found a job that suits my type of brain (though still sit around in a lot of anxiety) but I did about 30 very different jobs before then, and am constantly thinking about all the other things I might do instead.

I'm realising maybe you'll think I've also done a bad job of adulting, hah, but hey, I'm glad of the experiences I have had. I used to have a few quotes bumping around my head about my favourite authors who lived similarly but I've just assimilated them into my character.

You sound great and I'd be very proud of you if you were my daughter. You have a happy partnership and are raising two children well, at only 28. Uni just isn't necessary, you don't have to be career focused. It's ok for a job to just be a job. You don't have to set the world on fire. What makes you happy?

For one, from your first post, you have the skill of self reflection. I can't begin to tell you how many people lack that

Yes I agree that stood out to me too.

I also wondered about ADHD, we are learning so much more about how it presents in women and girls now. Less physical hyperactivity like boys, more mind chatter and chronic procrastination/bursts of hyper focus.

Many people don't drive.
Cooking - lots of advice.
Job - have a long hard think about something you love and think about roles in that area. We all have meh times at work, but if you enjoy 70% of it, it's much easier to stick to. Or can you work towards being self employed in an area of expertise? So you can time things round you better - I'm SE and work afternoons and evenings as I am NOT a morning person and the 9-5 gives me the horrors.

28 is so young, you can do SO much with your life if you want to. You've not failed at ALL.

OP, you haven't failed at all.
Here, have a different perspective:
I didn't choose to become an adult in this world.
I don't cook, drive, work or have kids.
All by choice, 44yo.
I married "well" to be sorted for the rest of my life.
Do I think I have failed as an adult? No!
Bloody care free! For 25 years and counting.
Whoever doesn't approve, doesn't have to be around me.😁

When people say they can't do something it means you haven't been shown that's all.

You can learn though.

Sorry this tickled me as I did this degree and ended up as a data analyst 😂

But seriously, with a good DP and children already I think you're doing better than you think. 20s are a weird time - everyone is doing things at different rates, so you have people with decent careers but no children feeling like they're flagging behind people with children and not where they want to be in their careers (and vice versa), some people on the property ladder vs others travelling (each potentially envious of the other) etc.

When I feel overwhelmed (which I suspect you're feeling at the moment), I think about one achievable thing I can do to improve my situation. Can be small. But just start there and work your way through the rest of your list.

I agree that it sounds like you haven't come across the right sort of job for you yet, there's nothing wrong with leaving a job if it isn't working for you. You've never been fired, so that's a positive! Think about what your strengths are and what energises you, how do you like to work/how do you work best (e.g. what time of day are you most productive, who are you most productive around, do you work better alone etc). Then research jobs that align with what you're naturally good at. Then think of a game plan about how you'll get there.

You've got this OP!

No different or better advice than what has already been said OP, but I just wanted to echo that you definitely haven't failed! You sound like you just don't really know what you want to pursue in life. Can't drive? So what, I use public transport. Can't cook well? Plenty of time to learn. Be kind to yourself. xx