To think I should’ve reported her at the time

[awkwardsitu]

Name changed as not to identify to previous posts.

I was catching up with a school friend earlier and we got chatting about one of our old teachers.

I was in high school about ten years ago. One of my subject teachers developed a bit of an intense friendship with me. Middle aged woman with family of her own, including school aged kids.

She would email me on her personal email address while I was still a student and then eventually gave me her phone number, probably around the time I was due to finish school. She took it upon herself to collect my leavers memory book when it arrived at school, which meant I didn’t get the opportunity to go and collect it with my friends like I had planned. She then asked if she could drop it off at my house and meet my parents. They agreed but found it unusual, yet had a cup of tea with her nonetheless. She had brought along a gift for me she brought back from holiday. It got stranger as she was messaging multiple times a day, about random things, at times asking me for advice about whether to leave her job, on her marriage and how to deal with issues her children were having. She would ring me on an evening after she finished work and we could be talking for up to an hour.

I remember telling my mum it was getting excessive and she said she thought it was weird and to stop contacting her. Together we composed a message to this teacher to say I was going to be really busy with my new Saturday job. I never contacted her again. I bumped into her in the shops a couple of months after and she was very frosty as though I had seriously upset her.

I look back and think, I was 15/16 and she was in her 40s. Why did she feel the need to message me and not any other friends or family? I find it all disturbing. My mum later confessed how she thought the whole thing was odd from the start but wanted to give me autonomy to manage it myself so long as she was aware.

Do you think it was just a misfired attempt at friendship or something different? I do wonder if I should have reported it - if it were a male teacher, I’m confident my parents would’ve been straight to the school - so double standards surely aren’t fair?!

Your thoughts?

My friend had no idea about any of this btw and was mortified! I just thought it would be interesting to see a larger viewpoint. I do hope it was just good intentions carried away but I can’t help but wonder why anyone wouldn’t want to maintain professionalism and boundaries in that kind of position.

You are not wrong. But at the same time you are looking at it with the benefit of hindsight, adulthood and the current understanding of safeguarding.

These days yes, absolutely it should be reported straight away, personal email and number would be completely inappropriate. But I can also understand your mum's approach of watchful waiting at the time where it may have been considered a bit weird and not terribly appropriate but would have been thought of as fairly harmless. Skins like she supported you well to end it when you felt it was too much.

But yes, it would be nice to think that if it were occurring now with more modern safeguarding and boundaries in place that she wouldn't let it go on for so long

YANBU, that gave me the heebie jeebies. It was very inappropriate and you would have been right to report. I’m glad you extricated yourself and I think your mum should have been more vocal about her reservations.

Grooming behaviour

You’re right, times have changed a bit but have they changed so much in ten years? We’re only talking the mid 2010s

That sounds like attempted grooming. Safeguarding wasn't the same as it is now and a teacher handing out their personal email address and phone number would be completely inappropriate, no doubt having repercussions for their employment. I imagine you're right that if it was a male teacher they would have reacted differently. However again females weren't seen as the same level of risk back then.

Mid 2010's is a similar time when I was in school, I'm shocked your parents didn't report it as it was definitely hugely inappropriate for such a recent time.

I think your parents should have emailed the head about this at the time.

What are you talking about? It was only 10 years ago.

Op I think your parents weren't alert to the issue of adult women grooming children, but many would have been. Having said that, your mum was clearly keeping an eye on things and ready to support you, and you were sensible about it. I think in the wider education setting, if anyone in the school had realised, it would definitely have been picked up on as a safeguarding concern. There were cases of female teachers grooming girls and having relationships with them in the press by then.

Do you know if she's still a teacher there?

No safeguarding has not changed that much in 10 years. It was utterly inappropriate even if it was innocent.

talking to you about her marriage problems strongly suggests it was not innocent - I suspect she might have had a crush on you.

Having worked in Education I can state with confidence that 10 years ago teachers were definitely aware that they shouldn't share personal contact details with students or strike up personal friendships with them. They were aware that they could potentially lose their jobs and end up with police involved. Social media policies existed. Safeguarding training and policies existed. We're not talking about very long ago at all.

I went to secondary in the 90’s and teacher got hauled over the coals and dismissed for building a friendship with a student.

Why are you acting as if 10 years ago was the 1950s?

No, I believe left a couple of years after we did as said friend who I was catching up with had a younger brother a few years below who said she left midway through the year.

Just because the teacher was female and married doesn’t mean she wasn’t interested in OP sexually. This is clearly grooming and majorly inappropriate. Surprised OP that your parents didn’t think it was worth reporting. If this woman is still a teacher or in a position of trust I would still report it as you no doubt won’t be the only girl that she has attempted to groom.

Thank you. I thought this too

Reading your post disturbed me as I had a similar ish experience both with a male teacher and female teacher. At 17 me and another girl would go to the house of and go out drinking with a married late 30s woman teacher. I never picked up anything sexual but now I think WTF. Nice village high school, all the appearance of good but... Wtf

Scary how these things can happen. You’d like to think not but you just don’t know, do you

It’s hard to know if she is. I think so long as she wasn’t contacting me they were fine with it, and since they were aware it never progressed.

I don't think mine was sexual, more maybe trying to be young? Either way, as an adult, I look back and think what the hell were these adults interested in hanging out with 16 - 18 year old me. It's so so inappropriate and it wasn't a secret, I knew one older woman teacher spoke to me once asking me if anything was going on... I remember at the time being angry and mortified but now..,im so so grateful to her

Women can groom too. I'm sorry this happened to you, but glad she was stopped in her tracks. Perhaps you could let your old school know? I imagine there's a risk of her repeating this behaviour if she's still holding a position of trust.

We had a couple of teachers like this. They where all mid 30s early 40s. always trying to be 'cool' a bit like an early mid life crisis. Looking back it was odd. This was about 2005 to 2009.

And OP. If she left mid way school, its possible you weren't the only one and it was reported. Hugs x

What was your experience, if you don't mind me asking?