Trying to make plans with people who are always busy !

[Flowersandforests]

Does anyone else get irritated trying to make plans with people who are always busy ?!

I love my sister lots but she is soo social it’s a nightmare trying to get things booked in with her - she’s not got any free time for the next 3 months and is being non commital about dates further ahead than that.

It doesn’t help that we have a lot of joint friends & if 1 person can’t make it (usually my sis!) then that date won’t happen. So I just feel like I end up missing out all the time. I’ve tried to arrange things separately but the wider group say it’s not fair to not include everyone.

Im happy she’s got such a busy social life but it’s sooo tedious ! Is anyone else in this situation ? How do you handle it?

If she wanted to see you she would make it happen

Sounds like time to make your own friends that aren’t reliant on your sister

Agreed re finding new friends but I’ve found it really hard to meet people as an adult !

We’re twins so all school friends / childhood friends are joint as we did everything together growing up.

You could let your sister know that you are missing being able to spend time with her. She might re-evaluate things a little and try to make more room for you - sometimes people just don't realise the impact of things like this.

It also sounds like she's just very busy, and that's just the sort of person she is. So if you want to socialise more frequently then it's also probably not a bad idea to try and find some new friends who also want that.

Just stop making plans and if asked, say why.

It sounds like she's "busy". Stop reaching out.

Create a WhatsApp group, ask every one which day can the majority make, date A, B or C?
Go with the date most people can make.

I tend to say I’m doing x on y date and would anyone fancy coming with me vs trying to set up a group night.
Setting up a night for a large number of people to do one thing together is usually lots of work and often involves everyone doing something that’s not their first preference

If they wanted to they would make time. It can be quite a hard pill to swallow, but once you do, you’ll hopefully move on and try and spend time with people where there is more give and take.

Yes I suppose deep down I know if she wanted to make the effort she would. It’s tough though

If you have joint friends who refuse to meet if she's unavailable would she be understanding and say to the group, "don't not meet on my account?" It doesn't help you spend more time with her, but means you don't miss out on social occasions with your other friends.

This. This is what my old friendship group do as otherwise we’d never meet up - someone is always busy! We set up a poll in WhatsApp, say for the weekends in May, and then the day that has the most votes goes ahead. If someone can’t make it they can catch us at the next one!

You’re a low priority for her, certainly well below the other things she has going on.

Just because she’s your sister doesn’t mean she’s a good friend. My sister used to cancel on me lastminute and regularly refused invitations because of “work”. I used to feel sorry for her; then one day I realised however “busy” she was could still always find time to see other her friends. I was just way down her list.

You don’t need to go non-contact with your twin, you just need to develop healthier boundaries and spend your time with people who want to spend their time with you.

@NarrowGate this is honestly how I’ve started to feel - she’s always got time for her friends but not me or our joint friends.

when you backed off from your sister, did she then start making an effort ? Or have you just drifted now? X

Sorry to say she hasn’t made much of an effort with me since I backed off. That was another tough thing for me to accept - it was always me making the plans, hosting etc, messaging even.

I will always love my sister, she’s one of the most important people in my life, but we don’t have to be friends.

One thing I do wonder is how far in advance are you trying to make plans.

I just think I may be your sister a bit with my brother but it’s because I plan waaay ahead. At this moment have something in virtually every weekend till September. Brother will contact me and say would you like to do something next weekend. My answer will virtually always be no as I’ve already organised that weekend months back. I’ll ask him if he wants to join in advance plans and he often doesn’t commit as he prefers to be flexible. If it’s like that and you want to do things with her then you may just have to give more notice & she will happily book you in?

@whatkatydid2014 the trouble is she doesn’t like to commit to stuff too far in advance (apparently!). I was trying to arrange something for July so not really last minute but she’s already booked up.

I'm in a friendship group with 2 other former work colleagues. One of them will always cancel arrangements after they've been made and I'm getting fed up with it.
Examples -
1 We had a table booked for lunch then on the morning she messages to say that her husband has booked a surprise lunch for them and seeing as he never usually does that, she doesn't want to let him down in case he never does it again
2 We were due to go out for lunch on Friday but she "forgot" she was going away for the weekend with her DiL. How can you forget 2 days before you're due to go away?

I'd happily just go out with the other one but she says we should wait till we can all go.

I’m sorry but this is really poor show from your sister especially given you are twins.
You shouldn’t have to schedule meeting up with your siblings. We are all busy but family comes first !

@Doveytail yes this is how I feel!! It’s tedious having to book things in so far in advanced - I feel bad for my parents too. Unfortunately she now lives about 90 mins away so no chance of being spontaneous now

I think the shared friendship group makes it worse as it’s not just family stuff that’s hard to arrange now

I had the same thing with a "friend" recently.

She all of a sudden kept cancelling, or something was happening that made making plans difficult.

I told her to "let me know when she was next free". That was months ago now. I havent spoken to her since.

It cant all be one sided. If they dont reciprocate, then it isnt worthwhile chasing them.

Ah that’s pretty rubbish then and all I can suggest is trying the I plan to do x on y date & will anyone join me. That way you also get to pick what you fancy and tend to spend time with people who like similar things and are likely to say yes to stuff in future