Feel tense after talking. Being a mad unreasonable woman or not?

[AliPineNeedles]

When I have a conversation with someone I'm seeing, he seems to skirt around answers but in a controlling way. I may be wrong but it's like he hints at annoyance. The words aren't bad, just the way he phrases things seem odd. I have a history of bad relationships so I'm trying to understand if I'm just being a mad woman!

'I'm going to dinner now. I'll call you afterwards'
'Oh you're going for dinner? No need to call me'
(Then goes silent for the next hour or two)
'Hey, how are you? Just home from dinner and can call now?'
'I'm grand'

'oh you're finished work already. You've the whole evening free?' (sounds surprised)
'Yeah, it's good as it was a busy day'
'what are you doing this evening?'
'just relaxing by myself'
'oh enjoy that, it sounds nice to have nothing to do' (but said in a tense way)

I'd say there wasn't anything that particularly stood out from what was said but it's hard to judge it on here compared to being there.I suppose it depends on the tone of voice, body language etc. Is there anything else that makes you feel uneasy about this person?

The first couple of examples seemed to me a little odd from you - I read it as he doesn't actually have any desire or need to talk post dinner but isn't saying that specifically.

But the slightly passive aggressive tone of the subsequent examples does seem a bit off.

At the end of the day, in an early relationship, things should be relatively easy. if they're not, it doesn't really matter if it's a red flag or just a straight incompatibility issue, it's not working.

Anyone who makes you feel like you need to question yourself, and who makes you feel tense and on edge because of the way they speak to you, is not the right man for you.

It's really not possible for anyone else to gauge the nuances of your conversations just from seeing them written down like that. The words themselves seem pretty innocent, but none of us can hear the tone and the dynamic of the conversation and none of us know the nuances of his personality or yours. I can imagine those conversations being totally normal - but I can also imagine them being passive-aggressive and undermining.

The fact that this is bothering you enough to ask about it tells me that your gut instinct is correct and that there is something 'off' about this man. He's clearly making you feel nervous and on edge and that, in itself, is controlling. Conversations with a boyfriend are meant to be fun and enjoyable. You shouldn't feel judged or nervous or controlled and if you do, you should a run a mile from him.

Surely he would go silent if he thought you were at dinner? Im struggling to see the issue from your examples. But if you’re not happy with him move on.

We were chatting, chatting, chatting happily and then I say I'm going to dinner/doing something that doesn't involve him like staying in and (maybe I'm being silly) but he seems to go flat? Shorter answers and much longer between replies. Like he's suggesting 'why aren't you seeing me'

I'd rather be told I'm unreasonable because apart from that it's going well

The other night I asked if I did something wrong after going out with friends and he said he was just tired

It can be difficult to gauge tone, but I see what you mean. In my less mature moments, I have done similar when I felt jealous or insecure in a relationship. Turning a bit cold or distant to get across the point that I wasn't happy or felt neglected, rather than just saying how I was feeling, perhaps because I knew that I was being unreasonable and putting it into words would make me sound ridiculous.

I'm not a bad person, but I have flaws like everyone else, and this is one of mine. So I said YANBU, but on the other hand, who knows! Even if he is a little moody, depending on frequency and degree (and what else he brings to the table) it might not be worth ending the relationship.

It really is impossible to say from these messages and if you've had bad experiences in the past, you might be projecting. But I don't know.

If everything is going well and you're worried about your radar, then I'd just carry on. Take whatever he says at complete face value - ie he says don't worry about calling, then just don't worry about calling. Don't over think or over analyse. If he's a bad one, at that point he'll either dump you or start to escalate.. and then you'll know.

Yeah I feel like he suddenly changes his tone when I mention doing something with friends or going for drinks. But the words aren't actually bad, just a feeling of change to tone/vibe.

He’s testing the waters to see how much punishment he can dish out when you are doing things he’s not happy with. But he’s being subtle so that if you raise it with him he can claim you’re misinterpreting him. It’s all preliminary mind games to see how weak your boundaries are

I think you should listen to your gut. It sounds pretty passive aggressive to me.

Like being told there is no need to call? That’s fine for a work interaction that doesn’t need further discussion but in a relationship I’d want to say “Well of course there isn’t a “need” but I like talking to you.”

I just think you need to trust your gut on this if it feels off and odd then it is.

Think about the relationships you were in before there were these little niggling things but you ignored them and it ended up to be a bad relationship. This is one of those little niggling things.

I don't understand the vote on this one, I think he's clearly trying to control you with sulking when you're not doing what he's like you to do. At the very least he's a man child who can't express his basic feelings, at the worst he's going to be controlling, selfish and jealous.

Why do women ask men if they’ve done something wrong when they obviously haven’t?
You aren’t being unreasonable but trust your instinct, maybe it isn’t really going that well.

Yep. He’s being off. My ex was EXACTLY the same. Everything going great, then if I were to arrange a night out, I’d get the passive aggressive side that would be short with me in answers, leaves hours before messaging me, not speak to me as normal when we met up and then blaming it all on being “tired” or “drained” from work. Every other time he was fine. He didn’t like me being out with anyone that wasn’t him. Keep your wits about you and if it feels off? It probably is…

It's like he's being off with you because he's irritated/jealous that you are doing social stuff.

He's either trying to sound blasé because he's jealous/insecure or he's going silent because he is unhappy with your behaviour

I wouldn't be keen. If you like him you can call him out on it and see what he says.

Yeah he went from super chatty and then delaying replies/one word answers. I then stupidly said 'it'll just be a quick dinner', then later asked was something wrong and he seemed confused - was really kind and said he was just tired/went back to super chatty but I got anxious over those hours

Also the other day we were trying to decide a day to see each other, I thought we decided Saturday but then later by message he said we decided Friday (I had since made plans). He was nice and said not to change plans but for a second I felt very confused and not sure how I made that mistake

Maybe he's just hard to read, I'm trying to see both sides!

But if you’re off out or off doing something else is it not normal for him to then go off and do his own thing - less chat?
If my DH was off to dinner with friends I wouldn’t expect a stream of chatty messages. I might talk to him later.
Personally feel you’re projecting, reading way too much into stuff and being a bit needy.
Again, if my DH asked me if he’d done something wrong just because I hadn’t messaged him in a couple of hours I’d think he was being really weird.
Is this all over text? Because tone is everything here.

I even read into his tone when he says 'enjoy dinner' or 'have a good night'. He will say it suddenly to cut me off it feels.

Most of this is over message, some by phone. I don't feel it when we're together