For background/context.
Friendship group of 6 have known each other through different avenues for 10+ years and as is usual and expected over those years certain people are closer with each other due to kids, hobbies, current location etc. We’re early/mid thirties and we have a group chat that we use a lot.
About a month ago Friend A sent a message in the group to say as her birthday is next month, she’s going to organise a meal and who can make it?
(I am probably least close to this friend although still fairly close but over the last year she has done a few things to really annoy me she’s very much one rule for her and another for everyone else and is known to hold us all to extremely high standards that she never follows herself).
Anyway this birthday message was sent in the middle of about 50 other messages between each other and so it got missed and no one replied to her directly.
About a week later out for a drink with another friend and mentions Friend A birthday and I said, ‘oh yes, I forgot to reply to her in group chat’. She said well she’s deleted that message now because no one replied, which I found really odd. It was obvious (to me) that the message had been missed due to her sending it at a bad time and were all so close that anyone else would just send a follow up. This friend did confirm that the meal had been booked and the time and place and I assumed another message would be forthcoming from Friend A with the details closer to the time.
My best friend (also in group) does not live close and has planned to come over for the weekend and stay with me and attend the meal, she has also said she has spoken with Friend A and confirmed we were both coming and got the details.
Spoke to best friend last night to discuss details of her visit and I commented that it was odd that ‘Friend A’ hadn’t sent any other messages in the group about this meal and how will we know, where to meet/ what to wear/ the plan for after etc. She said she had received a message just to her and then forwarded me what was very clearly a ‘proper’ invite (meeting time, dress code, itinerary), I then spoke to another couple of friends who had also received the same message. I commented that it was odd the invite wasn’t just put in the group and was told apparently 'Friend A’ “felt incredibly shit when no one replied to her”. But the people she’s referring to have now been invited separately, minus me. Presumably because they noticed the message had been deleted and sent private texts to her as we all know what she can be like. It didn't cross my mind to do this, were not that close and I just assumed another message would be sent closer to the time.
I really don’t want to go to this now, tbh I didn’t want to go in the first place, its not really my ‘thing’ and I have so little free time at the moment I have lots I could be getting on with plus it’s not an easy or cheap place to attend.
The others think I should still go.
I feel for the friend coming to stay with me but have made it clear I’m more than happy for her to still stay with me and attend the meal (and it turns out planned night out afterwards) and have offered to drop her off and we can do something together the day after.
I don’t want to look like a martyr or childish by not going but I think it will be awkward if I do as I know everyone else has been invited and I sort of feel a bit like someone’s plus 1.
I keep going back and forth in my head on one hand she could have assumed I knew I was invited, and someone would pass the message on to me but on the other why send everyone else a separate message with the details and leave me out.
As a side note last year I made a lot of effort to celebrate her last birthday which went completely unrecognised.
I think if it wasn’t for my friendships within the group, I would be cutting her out of my life completely but the others are my best friends who I love dearly and I don’t want to make them uncomfortable or make life difficult.
AIBU – you’re being a martyr and should go.
YANBU – Don’t go, you haven’t been invited.