Can anyone help me get to grips with this and understand if it’s reasonable?

[Whatttooeo]

I do know it very probably is reasonable. Basically we have an ‘away day’ with work on Thursday. I usually work from home and there’s no issue with that. I am a lone parent to a 14 month old. The away day happens every year and it’s basically chats in a hotel, miles from anywhere, and lots of eating and drinking. There’s no ‘work need’ in the sense of training etc but I also know it’s about bonding with colleagues etc. I came back to work in February and this day will mean travelling 48 miles away from DD’s nursery. I am not too worried about getting there as it starts mid morning but I am so so so worried about getting back for nursery pick up in rush hour and these roads are particularly known for hold ups. There is literally nobody else who can help. Work have said I can leave a bit early but even if I left at 3 to get there for 5, what happens if I am late? I feel sick. I know I am probably being dramatic so please be kind, I have done everything for dd and I feel like I am not being there for her by going so far away. I don’t know what would actually happen if I was late back.

I would tell them you're leaving after lunch, then aim to go at about 2 pm. I can't see what's going to happen between 2 and 3 that'll make such a huge difference, can you?

Does the nursery close at 5pm or is that the time you normally get there - they normally stay open til 6/6.30. Either way they would not abandon your DD, someone would stay with her and they might charge you a bit more.

I would leave at whatever time makes you feel comfortable.

If I thought work would be difficult about it, I might even lie and say I’d been called by the nursery to do an earlier pick up.

If you are a minute past 5pm the nursery staff wont the leave, lock the doors and pop your child on the pavement to fend for themselves. Someone will take care of her until you get there. Use WAZE or googlemaps to give you the best route back to nursery and it will also give you a time of arrival. WAZE is particularly accurate with any hold-ups (i run a taxi company and use it daily). Call the nursery if it looks like there will be any delays. You might have to pay for the extra time thats all.

2 hours to do 48 miles is more than reasonable and very unlikely you’ll be late.

You’ve left plenty of time but if you are late, call nursery, and let them know you’re in traffic and all they will do is charge you an extra fee.
As you work from home usually they’ll know this isn’t going to be an every week occurrence so they won’t be concerned.

I wouldn’t overly make this an even bigger deal with work considering it’s only one day they want you to be physically present with colleagues.

Is there no-one else who could do pick up if you are delayed? Partner/husband, family or friend?

Use one of the apps mentioned to keep an eye on the volume of traffic and any accidents or roadworks during the day and leave at 2.30 if there is anything of concern.

Instead of letting 'what ifs' go round in your head, find out what happens if you aren't there to pick up by closing time. They will have a policy. Obviously no one ever aims to be late, but things out of your control happen sometimes.

Does your nursery shut at 5pm? Who is your emergency contact?

What would happen in the unlikely event that you’re late is that you’d call them and explain. They’d either stay on and keep her if it’s a short while or find other arrangements if it would be ages (which is really unlikely)

I was once delayed stuck on a stationary train, I had my MIL rush to pick up and the nursery were absolutely fine to keep them longer. Once the main road near the nursery closed due to an accident. Parents were trapped until after 8pm, nursery staff stayed on to help (no one could get to the nursery anyway, all the roads were blocked solid) It was totally unexpected and common sense prevailed.

2hrs to do 48 miles is ages, even at rush hour. Keep an eye on traffic and leave early if there are any issues.

She said in the OP she's a lone parent.

Does the nursery close at 5? If not, ask them if she can stay later on Thurs if needed.

Look up on Google maps how long the journey will take. You can set it to give you typical travel times at particular times of day, so see what it would be if you left at 2pm, 3pm, 3.30pm etc. And after lunch in your meeting keep an eye on the traffic on Google maps, and leave a bit earlier than planned if any issues come up.

Don’t worry it will be ok!

Don't worry!
Two hours should be ample, but as pp have said, check online to keep an eye out for specific hold ups.
They won't leave your DC out on the street if you're not there! As pp have said, phone if you really do get stuck. At our nursery, you get one grace late pick up, and after that you get billed for it. But DC are ok which is the main thing.

@LIZS she said in the OP that she’s a lone parent and that “There is literally nobody else who can help.”

I doubt she’d be so worried if she could just ask her mum to pop round to the nursery for pick up.

OP just to echo that 2 hours to make a 48 mile journey is fine. Just keep an eye on WAZE as others have said.

Good luck.
x

It’s important to show your face. Just find a lull in the activities (e.g. tea break) and tell the organiser you’re leaving to pick up dd. Is there an agenda for the day including break times?

Whatever happens on Thursday op, and I hope that it all goes smoothly; this is your sign to proactively gather a few local like-minded mothers together and form an emergency baby-sitting group. Three or four members is sufficient. Rules are that you only ask in dire circumstances and favours must be reciprocated either in time or food! 😀

I have been an expat for most of my married life and this is what we automatically do once we arrive in a new country where we have no family or friends. All it takes is a short notice on nursery notice board or a (careful) post on local child-focused Facebook groups. Or groups for your local area. Sometimes an “active granny” type is available locally, the ideal scenario is if they live along your street.

Everyone who has young dc needs emergency help occasionally. And if you choose people carefully, who are serious and don’t take the piss, it can work really well as everyone needs the same thing! I’ve made great fiends this way too.

Thanks so much for the support! I do have a few mum friends I could possibly ask but I really don’t want to… I hate that I’m having to go to some stupid event! It’s not even real work and it’s going to cause a lot of stress. I just think she’s still so little, maybe different if she was closer to two. I know I’m being precious. Thanks for replies

Could you see of one of the nursery employees could babysit? Do you live clise enough for them to take her to your house on foot so you can meet them there?

It’s only one day and that’s plenty of time to get back. Leave a bit earlier if you like.

I agree you should focus on building a little community and asking for support when you need it. This won’t be the only time you might need back up. In this case you could ask a friend to pick up in case of emergency ie call her at 4.15 or whatever if you don’t think you’ll be back. Once you start doing favours for each other you’ll feel less anxious about things like this. I have a Dh but sometimes we still needed a friend to pick up - not so much nursery but definitely at school.

Most nurseries have a procedure for this.

My kids went to nursery ina town where many people commuted and if the trains were buggered lots of people would be late.

Usual procedure was one or two members of staff woruld be designated to stay late and sit with the kids while they played.

The kids would not be left alone.

They would charge a late charge if you were late.

Agree with PP. You are of course stressed, but to the nursery staff this is all in a day's work. If you are late they just stay with DD. Some nurseries may fine you but that's a small price to pay for not being written off at work as the mum whose not properly committed to her job or who doesn't have her act together to have proper childcare in place.

As one PP said, some nurseries will allow staff to babysit the children after hours, including taking them back to your house to care for them there just like a normal babysitter. Might be worth asking, as then you could do the whole day of the conference without worrying.

Oh sorry op! My reply about a baby-sitting group was in response to your op where you say,

“There is literally nobody else who can help”.

If you have mum friends then why not ask them? This is the perfect situation as they will have plenty of advance notice.

Reading between the lines op, I think perhaps you just don’t want to travel so far away from your infant yet and you don’t want to risk any misunderstanding happening at pick up time. And that’s completely understandable, she’s only 14 mths, especially if this is the first time you have gone so far away from her, and you are parenting alone. I “get” the crushing sense of responsibility you feel.

You get moments in parenting like this where you have to plan well and then take a leap of faith and trust in others.

If the anxiety is too much though, then you may have to have a word at work about it m, but they may not be best pleased. Keep in mind that being present and doing well at work is another way of helping your dd in the long term. (She’ll thank you when she’s a teenager and wants the latest phone anyway 😂😂)

In the short term, I would drop her off as normal, attend the work event and then, if you still feel really uncomfortable about the alternative arrangements put in place, I would duck out early citing a childcare emergency.

Good luck!

Did you read the OP? the bit where she says there is literally no one else who can help?

If the whole idea of it is making you sick with worry I wouldn't go. I would call in sick on the day with some random complaint. Its just one year, it will be forgotten about by the following week and you'll be better prepared next year with more support in place. But Im old and I dont bow to these pressures any longer. If it makes me feel awful then Im not doing it.