To feel DH is too 'rough and tumble' with one year old

[wowihaveagardennow]

DC turned 1 last month. Ever since she was born DH loves playing fighting with her. Sometimes it has not been developmentally appropriate and she was too young eg. pulling her to a standing position by her hands, making her "fly on a broomstick" by placing her on her tummy on his forearm... It always sends shots of anxiety through me and I'm forever telling him to play gently. HOWEVER I am very aware I'm an anxious person generally and I generally prefer playtimes to be more gentle hence my AIBU post to just sensecheck I'm not being unreasonable..

Most recently, it was:

• perhaps 10 mins after a full bottle of milk he tipped her upside down (DC giggled and enjoyed it).
• DC recovered from nappy rash a few weeks ago and through troubleshooting, we realised we weren't drying her thoroughly enough before putting on her barrier cream. We use soft Kleenexes to pat her bum dry now before putting the cream on. The other day DH was thumping her bum and more.sensitive areas dry and then sort of shaking her bum with the tissue quite vigorously (imagine the movement you might make to mix hot and cold water in a bath tub to get the temperature consistent). I felt like DH was being too forceful..
• he tips DC over on her head a lot and gives her a shake. DC usually finds it funny.

AIBU to think this isn't safe? And is too rough? I really don't want DC to grow up to want to play rough and tumble all the time (and yes I would feel the same if I had sons).

My DH used to play wrestle mania on our bed with our DC from around 6months old. They thought it was absolutely hilarious.

Imagine a grown man doing a 'clothesline' on a 6 month old or picking them up and 'slamming' them into the matress 😂 he also used to 'pin' them to the bed, chuck them head over feet and pretend to suffocate them with a pillow.

All far more gently than it sounds to peals of laughter.

Then they used to come down to me for a feed and a nap 😁

It's fine OP. Really it is.

My kids used to love all this (Early teens now and they still do Tbf!)

Being hung upside down, pulled about by a leg, ‘flown’, chucked in the aor etc.

He’s bonding with his child, it’s really normal.
Kids love it

He's doing exactly what Dad's are meant to do. Dads are for fun and mums are for cuddles (generally). By playing with her and making her laugh he's laying down the pathways and circuits in her brain for her future happiness, it's in being played with and laughed with as young children that we develop the capacity for joy as adults (neuroscientifically speaking).

He's not being "rough" he's just being more boisterous than you and that is not a bad thing.

What on earth is wrong with "flying" a baby on your forearm or pulling them to standing? Both perfectly normal. As are the other things you describe (I might have waited more than 10 minutes after a meal before tipping a child upside down but generally it's fine).

It sounds lovely, a loving Dad making his daughter giggle with fun physical expressions of affection

Very normal dad behaviour and actually studies have shown this is a very important role of fathers for children's development. It makes me anxious af but I do see how DPs different play style benefits DS .

Jesus lighten up. He isn't hurting her and she clearly enjoys it, don't be the fun police it's sad. At 1 Yr old my DS and I would play aeroplanes where I would hold one arm and one leg and swing him in a circle while bouncing him up and down.

YABU

There's been a lot of research recently showing how beneficial rough and tumble play is for children. I think so long as baby is laughing and engaging positively then it's not a problem. It's a lovely way for Dad to bond in his own way and it sounds like he has a good grasp on the amount of force and play appropriate for her age. To make a sweeping statement - dads seem a lot more confident of their children's abilities than mums and mums are understandably more anxious of harming something that took a lot of time and effort to nurture and keep alive to this point!

I agree actually. I know someone who was like this with their DS and it was totally affectionate but he is now a very rough little boy - doesn’t mean to be, he is just playing, but it does mean he struggles with friendships.

I agree actually. I know someone who was like this with their DS and it was totally affectionate but he is now a very rough little boy - doesn’t mean to be, he is just playing, but it does mean he struggles with friendships.

Same in our house 😂

the child is fine. You just have different parenting styles. He's not doing anything wrong, just different. Important to recognise that before you criticise and risk him losing confidence or interest. Great he is so involved with her

There's evidence that children get a similar rush of oxytocin from playing like this with their dads as they do from cuddles with mum, so as long as she's enjoying herself and he backs off when she says stop then it's actually very good for her. Not to say yabu for worrying!

Hmm I see your point but it's the opposite for us - I am the rough play parent (hubs has a bad back, I have years of martial arts training 😆) and it has always been a super important way for us to teach boundaries, consent, respect, bodily autonomy. Plus how to deal safely with feelings of aggression, competition, excitement, etc.

OP, at one year old, just keeping an eye on your daughter's response is great - and start showing her the words that go with that eg 'oh you like that, it's funny!' or 'woops, you didn't like that one. That was a bit scary. Sorry love! I won't do that any more'.

Those things are not necessarily related. Some children are like this.

Thanks everyone for your replies. They're greatly appreciated and reassuring for me... It has certainly made me feel less tense about how DH plays with our DC. Thank you 😊