To expect DH to carry out very basic DIY?

[NikkiMartin]

How on earth do you get your respective OHs to pull their weight?

Presently want to shave my hair off, sell up and move to France - alone!

He clearly doesn't want to do DIY - in fact he's actively avoiding it.

I think the actual issue at play here is that you want him to do it because it means something to you, rather than because he wants to. You're probably setting yourself up for failure there, so you need to decide how important this really is to you.

Are you happy with other things he does? It sounds a lot like you just think he's lazy and idle which isn't great.

Op I completely understand!! I'd love my bf to do some diy... I do 100% of cooking laundry cleaning dog walking etc. I'd just like some shelves put up or the heavy lifting in garden doing!

I'm exactly the same. Planned to move South for a tiny bit more warmth.

What does he do around the home op ?

Sadly, you cannot!

I am going to South of France for a week in May. I will have a large glass of rose, a chunk of Roquefort and a baguette on your behalf!
😊

Apart from the ridiculously vague opening post…why do people hope and expect that their partners will naturally develop an interest or affinity to something when they have clearly no passion for it. Tell him what he needs to do, and when. And maybe have a think if your DIY skills are good enough for the job as well. You don’t seem to be communicating well.

What's he been doing in this time? Are you both working full time and the.diy needs to be done in 'down time'? Is he sitting doing nothing while you work around him?

You can't. He either does or he doesn't.

Was he committed when you started this project, or was it all your idea?

What are your work situations?

You can't.

You can't make someone care about a particular thing OP.

You accept the person as they are - or not if the issue is crucial to you.

I'm sure there's issues that your dh cares about but you don't.

Does he always have problems executing things that he needs to do?

I couldn’t so I left. in January, after almost 20 years.

I became exhausted being the brain, the heart, the muscles, behind everything that had to happen in our family and our home.

He doesn't want to do the shopping. So he isn't doing it

He knows that ultimately you'll do everything and anything so he simply waits

He doesn't care, he doesn't need to care because you buckle down and sort everything

Hes a selfish waste of space who doesn't care about you

You can't make someone into who you want them to be

OP you should delete this thread and start a new one that explains your actual problem. All you'll get is pages of people telling you you're being sexist and that everyone has different strengths which is not actually what your post is about. You're not even asking him to do the task, just get the materials. The only thing I can suggest in terms of improvement is that you sit down with with him and tell him seriously that you feel he doesn't care that it's all on you, that it feels like he is putting his own comfort and leisure above your efforts to create a home for you both.

You can’t make someone care.

I asked DH months ago to put some shelves up in our room. I bought everything. It’s ready to go. Yesterday i was wfh so on my lunch break I just did it myself. Followed instructions. Watched a couple of YouTube videos. Did it. Learned a new skill.

I have one of these and if it gets to the point of nagging I’d rather not and just say rather sweetly that I can find a tradesperson to come and fix it/do the work if he is too busy and 🫰 just like that, suddenly he wants to do the job 😆

my friends seem to have partners that will happily try to do things that are important to them.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this. What you are really asking is "how do I find out what's important to him?" Or "how do I make things important to him that aren't now?"

Have you tried asking him why he doesn't want to divide tasks more equitably, and / or if there are other things he'd rather do? Maybe he'd prefer to go shopping and do the cooking than go to B&Q?

I know a few men who are useless at DIY, but great cooks.

Why is it that people seem unable to read the OP’s responses on thread? She has already clarified that he does things around the house, but that he doesn’t seem to want to get involved with the DIY work.
There is a weird and unhealthy obsession with advising posters to leave their spouses on this site.

OP said there is an unequal division of labour. I assumed this meant in all household tasks, not just DIY.

Sounds to me like he doesn't like DIY.

What does he do? If he’s doing his fair share but cooking, cleaning etc etc then it’s about playing to strengths.

if he’s a lazy fucker…that’s a different issue.

My DH does zero DIY, I do it all. He hates it and has a psychological block against it. He will claim he thinks things don't need doing, everything is perfect as it is, etc. When we were first married I tried to get him to help but it just led to misery for everyone so I stopped.

However he does a lot of other things. He does almost all the driving, the bins, the dishwasher every single time, cooks, cleans, walks the dog, mows the lawn, makes my bed every day, etc. He's definitely not lazy.

I think for a lot more men than we realise DIY is caught up with complicated feelings about inadequacy, masculinity, childhood memories which may not be good ones, etc. Being good at DIY can be a toxic masculinity thing in a way that women just don't tend to be exposed to.

@NikkiMartin i have done all the diy in our houses for over 40 years!! i can paper and paint, lay wooden floors, fully tile bathroom walls and floors and I can even repair washing machines!!! it is fulfilling and think how much you save! my hubby was banned from even painting after he went to a cottage we were moving into and painted an internal door with white emulsion!!!

My husband is the same. Some people have zero interest in diy / taking things apart / fixing things etc. There’s nothing internally motivating them to do it. It’s hard for them to care enough to find the energy or inclination. You’re expecting him to want to proactively do these things (or be nagged into it) but he simply doesn’t want to. So you need to accept that if you want it done, you’ll need to do it or hire someone.

Does he pull his weight in other ways?

If I posted what you did about DP, I'd probably get a kicking, because in my case the sexes are reversed.

But it would be a justified kicking, because she more than makes up for her lack of DIY in other ways. Is your husband the same, or is he equally lazy with everything?