AIBU to say my DH is being shady?

[BlackCherry2024]

Hi all, new to posting and hoping to get some clarity before I ditch my DH of 6 years and father of my son.

DH has a female friend at work that he is close to. They call on Zoom often text outside of work, meet up for lunch (only during work hours apparently). She is also married with kids and is very attractive. I have seen some messages and they seem flirty. He’s bragged about his baggage size and joked about her fancying him although she’s never said she has. Told him it’s bang out of order and he said it’s harmless but that he would create more boundary with her. This was a while back now.

Recently, she’s been off sick for a while and he messages her regularly and calls her up at least once a week and their conversations last over an hour sometimes in the day. He’s telling me to relax and that he’s doing nothing wrong, that they’re good friends and as I also have male friends, I should be more understanding.

Am I being gaslighted here or is he acting shady and potentially has feelings for this woman?? I have no time to even call my family and sit on the phone for 15 minutes in the day, let alone on the phone for over an hour during work hours. I don’t know what else to suggest to him and feel like he’s somehow attached and this isn’t normal friendship behaviour with a colleague. Is he being shady or am I extra?

im so sorry thats emotional cheating, I would issue an ultimatum

This is an emotional affair and it won't be long before a physical one starts if it hasn't already. They are already halfway there because they've created an emotional connection between them. They are emotionally invested in each other and this is incredibly disrespectful to their spouses.

He's bragged to her about the size of his penis and you're supposed to 'relax'?

I have several close male friends and no this is not acceptable, normal friend behaviour. It’s clearly more than that - at least on his side. He is gaslighting you x

They’ve known each other for 2 years and apparently they have deep conversations about life and religion and that’s their only connection. But I feel my husband is attached her but deep down I don’t think he’d ever be physical with her, unless I’m being naive.

He thinks it’s “banter” and I’m shocked that he’s even joked that way with her.

What’s sauce for the goose.
Tell him ‘Paul’ from work has asked you out for coffee, you initially said no but as he thinks having a male friend is fine you’ve decided to go.
Be interesting to see his reaction.

Its very disrespectful behaviour there is no need for him to carry thiis on knowing its bothering you. Tell him to stop this friendship or lose his wife.

Does he spend an hour in the phone with his male friends?

I think not.

I have a male colleague I am very friendly with. He is in a relationship and I am married. Both partners are aware that we chat outside of work, send tiktoks and silly things like that. I’ll show DH messages from him and I’m in a group chat with his girlfriend as we have a hobby in common so there’s no secrecy to anything.

However there is a very clear boundary in my mind that we do not even joke about anything sexual. Literally never. It would feel wrong anyway as he feels like a brother 😅

I don’t think ‘banter’ about the size of his ‘package’ or how she fancies him are acceptable at all. You’re not being sensitive about that.

He doesn’t and I know he can be quite busy with the type of job he has so not sure how he finds the time and what do they even talk about for that amount of time?!

Looking at the texts there’s always some flirty banter every now and then but it’s mostly randomly talking about topics like house stuff, what’s going on in the world. Stuff like that. I know for a fact that he’s attracted to her and so it makes it more uncomfortable for me that he puts in the effort with her when she’s not even at work at the moment.

They dont need to be talking about anything they both have partners its just disrespectful and awful behaviour.

This 💯

I think at the first sign from her he'd be gone. I would take the first step and end it. He will either come to his senses and do what it takes to keep you or you haven't lost anything much anyway.

Yes you have every right to be upset about it because all that time and attention he is giving to her is taking away from your marriage.

You don’t joke about the size of your penis with someone you have a ‘religious connection with’, that would tell me everything I need to know!

They’ve known each other for 2 years and apparently they have deep conversations about life and religion and that’s their only connection. But I feel my husband is attached her but deep down I don’t think he’d ever be physical with her, unless I’m being naive.

TBH "deep conversations about life and religion" is as bad as joking about the size of his cock. He's deeply emotionally enmeshed with this woman. Whether or not he's had any sexual contact with her is almost irrelevant.

He's cheating on you at the very least emotionally and possibly physically too.

I would leave, tbh. He's insulting your intelligence with this behaviour. Nor would I bother with an ultimatum: emotionally blackmailing someone to remain technically faithful to you when their heart is elsewhere is never more than a sticking plaster. He's insulting your intelligence and it's time to take some control back.

Until I got to your post saying you know he is attracted to her, I was going to say that him joking about her fancying him and not distancing himself was cruel to her as well as disrespectful to you. I know that isn’t your priority but it would make him a bit of a shit.

But as they are attracted to each other the whole situation is an affair waiting to happen, if it isn’t already.

I’m sorry he has put you in this situation and is gaslighting you. You’re not naïve, that would be not even contemplating something is amiss. Don’t be hard on yourself. He is behaving very badly.

And rumour has it he has a 7 inch tongue.

I've always thought these 'emotional' affairs are worse than a drunken one-night stand.

They share too many intimate conversations and it is only a matter of time before they take it to the next level. It won't feel like being unfaithful to them as they will be good friends beforehand.

I wonder how she feels about this banter.

Are they at the same level at work or is one higher up the ladder than the other?

’dh you’ve made me realise I don’t banter enough. I’m going to check in on all my
male friends penis sizes, and maybe some
colleagues while I'm at it, I think it will be a fun week!'
get a girlfriends help- save their name as a male colleagues and exchange semi flirty texts. good practice for dating again if your dh doesnt get it.

OP I recommend you read Shirley Glass 'Not just friends' helpful for insight into how emotional intimacy with another erodes a marriage.