Did I put too much pressure/cause him to leave?

[LavenderFlowers]

My partner of almost two years broke up with me in February in a crappy way. I had to drag it out of him as he got cold with me during my Dad being in hospital. It felt as soon as I 'needed' him, he disappeared. Everyone around me (and Mumsnet) told me to build up my anger towards him but I find that very difficult. I'm mainly terribly disappointed and shocked.

Over the past few weeks it has become clear that he is convinced I am to blame for putting too much pressure on him. If I pointed out something I wanted when my Dad was sick, he would then say 'but I did x, y and z' and 'I'm trying really hard to help' as if he struggled majorly. We had a horrible tension between us and now that the weeks have passed, I'm trying to understand why.

I was spending nights in the hospital and I asked if we could speak on the phone once a day. We messaged/sent some voice notes but I asked for one call a day. He got quite stressed by that, telling me I could ring whenever I wanted but actually not meaning it as he had very small windows of time to speak. He sounded so stressed when we spoke and we would end up just speaking about how he felt stressed that he was away. It became about him temporarily.

I was in an emotional state when I was there, so maybe I was a little snappy and couldn't see clearly when I blamed him for leaving. He would fall asleep quite early (maybe 9 or 10) and I would try to call him but get no answer as I didn't realise he was already asleep. It felt messy and I was chasing him to help. He was abroad for work so all we had was phones, which never makes stress easier!

I've gone from being in a happy/secure relationship to questioning a lot of my own actions and feelings. He said I put too much pressure on him and I want to understand if that seems true, so I can not do that again.

YABU - I was unfair/put too much stress on him
YANBU - I was fair/he just wants to blame me

Did I put too much pressure/cause him to leave?

No.

He sounds like he lacks empathy, maturity and didn’t really care about you or your family.

Please don’t dwell on it or blame yourself. You were going through a tough and stressful time and needed support from him.

The trash has taken its self out. You deserve much better.

He wasn’t emotionally available and honestly it sounds like he checked out of the relationship. Don’t waste any more energy on him, best to just move forward.

Can't say because I only have your side of the story but you separated because you weren't right for each other. Move on and don't dwell on it.

He is clearly the type of person who would be a very unsupportive partner if they were going through something. It sounds like it always has to be about him so if you are going through a tough time he doesn't like it and will divert the attention back on himself. So did you put too much pressure on- from his perspective, yes you did because you expected some support during a very difficult time. Were you at all unreasonable to expect this from your partner? No. And I suspect that he would never have been a good partner if you needed him and so ultimately it's a good thing that you broke up.

On your previous thread you got advised by pretty much everybody to go separate ways. This man is weak, self-centred and untrustworthy. He will walk away every time life is challenging. And he will most likely walk away if you have children as he won't be able to handle the pressure having children brings. Don't waste more of your life with a man like this. Your life is too short for his bullshit.

You aren't compatible and if asking for phone calls caused him stressed then imagine what actual practical help would have caused him

It sounds like you're not compatible unfortunately.

I think "not compatible" is a nicer way of saying he's a fairweather boyfriend. I don't think it's unreasonable to want support during a tough time, you'd been going out a while. I'm sorry.

I don't think many people would be happy with that lack of support so don't beat yourself up. He felt that pressure because he probably realised he didn't have the skills to help you. That wouldn't be good enough for me/most people xx

I remember your previous thread OP. Your family were all pretty angry too with how he behaved, yes? He obviously bailed and let you down with even basic level support.

Not your fault. Partners support their loved one. He was never a real partner in the true sense. His failings, which he’s trying to push back on you when you are emotionally vulnerable. He’s a dick.

Be glad you didn't marry or have any joint responsibility with him. Lame duck that won't support you through the biggies. You deserve better but get some counselling to examine why you're questioning yourself on this.

Thank you

It's been a sensitive few weeks and sometimes impartial advice is needed

If I actually did put too much pressure, I'd be happy to hold my hands up and learn from it in the next relationship

I also remember your previous thread. He is awful. Selfish and awful.

Over the past few weeks it has become clear that he is convinced I am to blame for putting too much pressure on him

hiw would you know this? You cannot still be in contact with this selfish arsehole?

We have many mutual friends @TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled. I'd be happy enough to be civil in our friend group but he's acting like 'well I did what is right for me, she put too much pressure on me'

I don’t think there’s a formula for how much pressure is appropriate to put on a partner of two years when you’re camping out in the hospital with a seriously ill photo. It just didn’t work, OP. I wouldn’t give it only more emotional energy.

Maybe considering counselling OP? You've lost a parent and gone through a rough break up..... anyone would need some emotional support after that xx

He wasn't asleep, OP. He was ignoring your calls.

Don’t be daft. You know your needs and expectations weren’t unreasonable. Painful and stressful situation, you wanted a very minimal amount of support from the person who is supposed to love you and take care of you - no, this is on him, it’s his failing.

He wasn’t equal to the task of loving.

Surely the friends know that someone saying they did what is right for themselves in that situation is a known selfish arsehole?

stop hanging out with him, mutual friends or hit. He is calling you and is so disrespectful

Hope you're ok today OP and taking in what people said. You're being too hard on yourself I think