Is punching furniture aggressive and potentially DV?

[LiterallyOnFire]

Please can we have a range of opinions.

I will never again live in a house with someone who breaks things in temper. The low level threat of aggression wears you down.
Not acceptable. The only mitigation would be that the person recognised themself (without any prompting) that it's not ok and sought help. Without prompting is important.

Yes.

Do they punch things when they are frustrated at work or when they have an argument down the pub? Thought not.

Yes, what happens when they run out of furniture, walls etc? Are they able to control their frustration elsewhere?

It maybe caused by a mental health issue but that doesn’t mean it isn’t also DV.

Please be aware that I am only speaking for myself and if DH punched the sofa or whatever, I wouldn't be asking on here for views, because I wouldn't need to.

I think the fact that you are asking, shows that in your heart you are maybe afraid. You should trust your instincts.

Not necessarily.

I mean as a one off due to blind rage it’s stupid and aggressive.

If it’s regular and intended to intimidate you, then it’s DV.

Id personally feel quite scared however living with someone who couldn’t control their temper like that.

I think context matters here. Was the person who did this apologetic for example? Did they try and blame someone else? Is it out of character? What furniture did they punch and how hard? What kicked it off… etc etc

Does that person punch furniture at his place of work? At his mother's house? In the pub? When he's on his own?

No. He punches it at your house, in front of you.

I do think context matters too.

A one off after getting terrible news is different to doing it when in an argument for example.

For a grown adult it’s pretty bad.
For a teenager or young person having some kind of meltdown, not great but I would see that as different.

But I'm being told it's a MH issue (the person in question had put off taking anti anxiety meds).

Are they actively seeking treatment for their MH issue? Do they see how serious it is for things to have got to the point they are behaving aggressively? Do they own the consequences of not taking their medication?

DH once punched the stairs. He'd just dropped a suitcase on his foot which hurt a lot and he said it was a learned thing from martial arts where you punch an object to release anger - a bit like breaking stuff to release tension, to stop himself swearing in front of the kids. He said he felt a bit daft afterwards, but I kind of understand what he meant. I didn't think it indicated a potential for violence towards other people. If anything it was the opposite.

He punched a metal sink.

He says he did it "because the dogs were barking" (while he was on the phone) and his propanalol (sp?) wasn't handy. He seems to think this a complete explanation.

Not my partner, but the partner of a close relative.

I survived DV a long time ago, so the suggestion is I'm overreacting in my advice, because of my own experience.

In that case I'll rephrase this slightly:

Does that person punch furniture at his place of work? At his mother's house? In the pub? When he's on his own?

No. He punches it in his home, in front of her.

That is DV.

I hope he hurt himself.

Thanks everyone.

I've sent her the link to the thread.

In the context of your latest update OP, I will say yes, that is DV.

My initial answer would have been a "not necessarily".

If only because I am one of those "pathetic and cringeworthy" people reference upthread. I rarely actually hit any furniture, and would never and have never hit anyone.
For me, it is a safer alternative to self harming. I am more likely to overthink punching a wall, and not actually do it, than the alternative.
And yes, that is due to trouble controlling emotions - again, referenced as childish somewhere upthread I believe.

Difference is, I am medicated, having counselling, actively working on it, and it is becoming more infrequent, only actually happening in moments of pure frustration and dizzying emotions.
Never to control or intimidate anyone other than myself. A bruise to myself doesn't leave a permanent mark or reminder.

In the situation you describe, yes, I think it is.

I do think it can be a sign of pent-up frustration sometimes, though.

I'm an ex puncher of things. Anger,frustration,pain and mostly just a different way of hurting myself.

Regardless of reason, it's always a negative thing for two reasons:

1. It's an unhealthy and inappropriate coping mechanism.

1. It's upsetting , unsettling and scary for the people witnessing it. They don't deserve to feel like that.

If (and it's a big if), the person involved is willing to admit they have a problem and are committed to seek help, work on it, get better and find better and healthy coping mechanisms then I'd maybe give them a chance. Ideally they'd live some place else while that happens.

If there's no will to improve, regardless of the reason, then fuck that shit.

Yes. I speak from experience.

Even if it doesn't lead to actual DV, someone who is frightening you through their behaviour to exercise control over you is not a good partner.

It's a display of aggression designed to intimate and make people fearful to cross them. So I say yes.

DH has taken out frustration on furniture etc in the past but only when angry with something inanimate or with himself. Never in an argument with me. I think that's an important distinction. I have never seen him show violence towards a person in the 30 years I've known him.
Also he did it more as a teen/twenties eg broke his toe kicking a chair in frustration, put his fist through a window once. Now I think he thinks more about the cost of replacing something!!

Yes.

With my ex it was doors, walls.. he'd throw his phone, the game controller, one day he picked up the PC tower and threw that.

The sofa chair went over, kicked a car door, threw stuff that annoyed him up the garden.

He did slap me once, and i walked out, never touched me again... but this shit carried on, he switched to making threats to hurt me instead...

I've had several long term relationships. Two of them exhibited behaviour like this and both of them assaulted me. None of the others were violent in any way, towards me or the furniture.

Yes especially if they only do it at home and not at work or at their friends house