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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Invasive mil

25 replies

Fizzy90 · 15/04/2024 17:55

With my first dd mil used to snatch her out of my arms, pass her around the room and offer other people to feed her bottles.
Demand to push her pram etc she wanted to play mummy basically.
It came to ahead when she was 6 months old and I told dh to have a word.
She ended up crying to the whole family and they ended up hating me.
I put up with a lot back then; she came in to the delivery room uninvited and snatched her from my arms.
I’ve changed since, and I don’t let people take advantage of me anymore.
It is now years later and she’s more tactile this time on how she goes around her usual behaviour with my new baby.
I can’t change a nappy without her coming over to touch her without washing her hands. (I find it quite invasive as well)
I told her the other day, please remember our hand washing rule before touching my newborn. She walked off annoyed and started banging pots and pans in her kitchen.
I am okay with her hugging my children, blow kisses, holding hands and she knows this.
My only 2 boundaries are don’t snatch the baby and no kissing my newborn or one of my other dc who is immune compromised.
She asserts dominance over me by kissing dc constantly by making the over exaggerated kissing noise.
She is very passive aggressive in her comments to me.
She doesn’t snatch my youngest as she did with my eldest but she will state - I AM holding “dc name” now” and will walk over to me and take without asking.
Is it me or is this impolite of her?
I get its normal for her to want to hold grandchildren but I don’t feel this is the way to do it.
I have asked dh to have a word, he says he will.
Nothing has really changed from my eldest.
I feel she is just more clever now how she goes around doing things.
What exactly can I say to her if I’m confronted with “I AM holding your baby comment again?” Because I just freeze, like what on earth does someone say to that?!

OP posts:
Mamasperspective · 15/04/2024 18:09

Sounds like you are not assertive enough, "MIL, don't do that, you know I don't like it" or "No MIL you're not telling me when you will hold my children, you can ask like everyone else" it's a power play and these are not her kids so shut her down

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 15/04/2024 18:18

Do you live with her? I'd not have her in the house so much if you don't.

Alwaysalwayscold · 15/04/2024 18:21

"No you're not" should suffice.

Fizzy90 · 15/04/2024 18:31

No I don’t live with her

OP posts:
BMW6 · 15/04/2024 18:34

Fuck Off out of my house ought to do it.

onawave · 15/04/2024 18:39

BMW6 · 15/04/2024 18:34

Fuck Off out of my house ought to do it.

Short, simple and straight to the point.

ConflictedCheetah · 15/04/2024 18:39

BMW6 · 15/04/2024 18:34

Fuck Off out of my house ought to do it.

Quite.

GreatGateauxsby · 15/04/2024 18:41

It’s clear you don’t like her and don’t get on. (I say this as someone in the same boat btw)

my mil is similar tbh after a memorable visit when Dd was born* We have clear ground rules now. DH has to supervise her and be present for all visits he also has to do all prep planning and cooking…. Quelle Surprise! Visits have reduced considerably

Basically I either say “no that doesn’t work for me” to whatever she’s angling for and let the uncomfortable atmosphere hang because at this point I just. don’t. care. OR I let her get on with it / leave the room and either relax or do jobs I need to get done.

*she was invited for 2 days and decided she would come for 5/6…i was at my wits end so on the Monday at 8.45 I packed up the baby and left for the day returning at 6pm when DH finished work. I did the same on Tuesday… the pair of them got the message after that

Sunnnybunny72 · 15/04/2024 18:48

Just see less of her.

cheddercherry · 15/04/2024 19:19

Failing being more direct and saying: actually I’m comfortable with baby/ now’s not a good time/ no that doesn’t work for me/ no, we’re both fine thanks, to her demands…

I’d be attending more baby groups/ impromptu meet ups with friends/ travelling conventions/ unicorn spotting contests than you could imagine. If there was a sniff of a goings on, I’d be going.

Basically I’d not be in the house if she was coming.

Newestname002 · 15/04/2024 19:21

@Fizzy90

  • don't rely on your husband. She's had years to work on him and he's now a wet lettuce around her.
  • you grew this baby inside you for nine months and went through labour to give birth to him (or had your body invaded if you had C-section). Learn to speak up for yourself and your child because your husband just wants an easy life and is more afraid of his mother than he is of you.
  • buy some slings and ensure you wear your baby as often as feasible
  • work on your clear boundaries and let your husband know that you expect him to support you. However, understand you may not be able to rely on him so you may need to learn how to be a Tiger Mom
  • you are no longer a child and she does not own you. Speak up for yourself and your children. Practice in front of a mirror you need to. 🌹
Newestname002 · 15/04/2024 19:24

@Fizzy90

Oh and invading the delivery room and interfering with your child - a disgrace. Next time, if there is one, YOU make sure you tel your midwife/delivery team that she is NOT allowed anywhere near you and the baby.

If your husband can't advocate for you in these situations perhaps consider your mother, or other family from your side to better support you. 🌹

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 15/04/2024 21:28

You are allowed to refuse her access to your baby. She clearly doesn't give a damn about your feelings, so why should you care about hers. If you live close by then moving would be very sensible. To another country would be ideal.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 15/04/2024 21:35

She sounds pretty awful OP. I'd make myself very busy with going to friends houses or groups etc! How often does she visit or do you visit her? Make excuses and give yourself some space. Yes of course MILs want to see their DGCs but your DCs are not her children (and I say this as a MIL myself!) She should understand that you have boundaries and the needs of your DCs and you come first. I'd just avoid her more and see less of her.

Redshoeblueshoe · 15/04/2024 21:51

I voted YABU - why on earth are you going round to her house ?

Topseyt123 · 15/04/2024 21:56

A good, sharp "get to fuck" would do it.

I'd be tempted to not even let her into my house for a very long time. Nor would I go to her house much either.

shampooing · 15/04/2024 22:02

The main thing I can’t understand is why you continue to see her at all.
Congratulations on your newborn. I know it’s a tiring time but find your voice and use and use it to tell her to fuck off. If she takes offence and doesn’t want to see you all the better really.

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 15/04/2024 23:04

BMW6 · 15/04/2024 18:34

Fuck Off out of my house ought to do it.

🤣🤣🤣

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 15/04/2024 23:13

shampooing · 15/04/2024 22:02

The main thing I can’t understand is why you continue to see her at all.
Congratulations on your newborn. I know it’s a tiring time but find your voice and use and use it to tell her to fuck off. If she takes offence and doesn’t want to see you all the better really.

She continues to see her unfortunately because its her partners mum. If it was that simple I think half the nation wouldn't see their mils. Very easy to say "why you still seeing her" not as easy to implement.

Avatartar · 15/04/2024 23:15

She’s bullying you. Next time she says I am taking the baby- respond with “do not bully me MIL”. If you’d like to hold dc ask or I’ll let you cuddle dc when I’ve done x y z. Keep repeating the word bully because that is what she is

alexdgr8 · 15/04/2024 23:26

BMW6 · 15/04/2024 18:34

Fuck Off out of my house ought to do it.

this is all you need to say.
except i wouldn't let her in the house in the first place.
why are you letting all this happen.
you need to stop all this nonsense. now.
stop parleying, and take charge.

pollypocke · 15/04/2024 23:31

That sounds like my worst nightmare! I couldn't stand my baby being passed around when he first met our families, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack every time someone held him.
If I were you, I'd be a lot firmer with boundaries. If she does something that you're not comfortable with, say it.
If she says 'I'm going to hold the baby...' and you don't want her to, say no.

I know it's a lot easier said than done but she sounds like she's finding ways to still push those boundaries and rules you've put in place

PerfectTravelTote · 15/04/2024 23:31

I'd love to hear the other side of this story.

Screamingabdabz · 15/04/2024 23:32

I don’t understand how she can just take your baby from your arms. You just say ‘what are you doing Carol? No, you’re not taking her now, she’s just comfy and so am I…’ or ‘no, Carol, you haven’t washed your hands.’ Or ‘actually I’m going to feed her now Carol, any chance of making me a cup of tea?’

You are in charge. You’re the mum in your house, your rules.

SoreAndTired1 · 15/04/2024 23:32

Why haven't you gone NC? Why are you allowing her anywhere near your child? WTF?!??

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