BIL is vile how to help my sis

[spanieleyes22]

I spent the weekend at their house helping with the kids cos she is very poorly with pneumonia and realized what a vile human he is. And the despicable way he treats her. I tried to talk to her but she's brainwashed I think. He told me she just needs a positive attitude to get better. He laid into her for staying in bed. She ended up getting up and dressed hair washed and dried . She could hardly walk very breathless. I drove for nearly 3 hours and when I arrived he said he had made dinner for himself and the kids but there was nothing for me or her and that I could make something. I just said ok. My sister was in bed and didn't want food so she said to him I would
Have the dinner with him and kids but he went ahead and cooked pasta for himself and them and vegetables and they all sat up and had it and then he said I could cook my own pasta . I was gobsmacked tbh. Anyway so many things he said and did. I could write a book. I felt terrible leaving her . Have realized there's nothing I can do though. Except be there if she wants to try and make a change. I can't be around him again. It's so triggering to me and brings back memories of my own divorce which is years ago now. Anyone going through similar with a family member

That's v difficult, I think I would have had to say something

Tell your sister exactly how you feel. She may need someone else's perspective to confirm her own feelings.

It's clear from the daily posts on mumsnet, that some women have been so downtrodden and gaslit that they have completely lost sight of what a good relationship looks like. I'd talk to her.

Sadly all you can do is leave the door open. Trying to push her might just make her shut you out.

I tried to but she has an excuse for everything. Some of the things she told me I said her it was abuse and she was surprised and just said oh he doesn't mean it. Like sometimes he goes into a sulk for days and she said he won't speak to her for a week or more. He shouts at the children to the extent that they were called into the school and the children are having sessions with a therapist or some kind . She wouldn't listen to me though just kept excusing him.

Send her information about domestic abuse. Show her the reality of her relationship. Your sister is in denial.

Yes I've tried to but after 2 long days with him I have to take a step back for my own mental health. I'm so angry and I couldn't say anything to him because he would take it out on her when I left. I couldn't concentrate in work today I couldn't sleep last night. It's going round in my head all things he said and did and things she told me. She was crying her eyes out but said he was sorry and he didn't mean it he was just stressed as it was a lot for him as he had to do everything when she was sick

This is so sad. She’s accepted it as her life and I think if you push too hard on the subject, it could be you who’s made to be the bad guy in this. Tell her you recognise the behaviour. It isn’t normal for a person to be living in these circumstances. Just be there for her. Whether it be soon or years to come when she gets the strength to finish things, she will need you. Must be horrible having to leave your poorly sister with this man. ❤️

Yes it was awful I cried all
The way home . She didn't want me to go but I have to work and have my own kids. The youngest was clinging onto me saying don't go don't go and she told me over
the weekend that she wished I could live with them cos daddy is nicer when I'm there and that he makes mummy cry

Could you write down everything that was said and done and maybe email it to her? Obviously reiterating that you will always support her no matter what she decides to do. Sometimes just seeing it written down makes it easier to accept and acknowledge. All the best to you, your sister and her children.

@spanieleyes22 I can’t imagine how that must have made you feel. Not much advice I can offer, just know that we’re here for you x

'He shouts at the children to the extent that they were called into the school and the children are having sessions with a therapist or some kind'

Of course you are worried for your sister....but tbh from what you have described I would be most concerned about the effect this situation is having on the children and any safeguarding actions that may need to be taken. Does their school know about what they are going through at home?

Can any other posters advise on this?

The school have the youngest r on a safeguarding list I know that much . My mum just phoned me to say that my sis collapsed while she was on the phone to her and she was calling for help and my mum was still on the phone and was telling him to call and ambulance and he said she was just being dramatic. My mother was saying to him you mjst call and ambulance now. He did in the end.

I am really sorry @spanieleyes22 , I do hope your sister is OK. Do you have any news about her?

So the ambulance didn't take her in they said her oxygen levels were ok.

She is very cross that an ambulance was called and said she didn't need it. I said it must be scary watching someone who can't breathe.

She text me today that her husband is being lovely to her today: I can't help thinking g this is classic abuse. Throw her a few crumbs and she is grateful. It's very frustrating but all I can do is wait til the next time I guess and be there for her

What a kind sister you are to drive all that way to look after her when she's sick. I hope she comes to her senses . 💗

Yes your sister unfortunately is stuck in the abusive cycle.

Maybe send her when she is better the information about this cycle of domestic violence and the free pdf of the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

She may or may not read and take in the information, but at least you tried to help and you will have planted the seed that what she is experiencing is not normal.

I’d report him to the school anonymously. Probably SS too. He sounds like a cunt. She might be saying he’s being nice to her now because she is trying to cover up in front of you after what you’ve witnessed of his behaviour, rather than he is actually being nice to her. Or you’re right and he’s throwing her crumbs. Do not write anything down about his abuse to her - he will read it at some point and split her away from you. You have to play the long game and be there for her but definitely ask her if she thinks his behaviour is ok towards the kids, ok for the kid to be on safeguarding measures, and ok for her daughter to marry a man who behaves that way. But generally just keep your mouth shut in front of him. He clearly doesn’t like you and will be looking for a way to split you two up.

I am not one that says report about everything, but this man is terrifying his children. I think some SS intervention is needed here.