I live abroad with my DW, in her home country. DW is in a band, and one of the band members got engaged some time ago. She and my DW are obviously quite close, and my wife received an email invitation to her wedding the other day. The wedding is in the band member’s home country which is not the UK nor my wife’s home country/where we live. Immediately my wife started talking excitedly about us both going to the wedding, booking flights etc, at which point I pointed out that my name isn’t on the wedding invitation nor is there a +1 and there wasn’t an invite sent to me, so I assume I am not invited. DW thinks it’s “obvious” that I am also invited and it was probably just an oversight on the invitation, that her friend will obviously be expecting me to attend with her. But I remained adamant that I don’t think I am invited. I think this for many reasons, not just the lack of formal invitation… I have always got the vibe that the friend doesn’t particularly like me, for many reasons. When I met DW, she had a long-term male partner who this band member had been friends with for years as he is also a musician. We didn’t have a full blown affair but definitely an emotional one which was the reason for her leaving him and I feel as though the friend judges me for this. I also get the vibe she feels somewhat above me as they and most of their friends are in the music industry whereas I am not. When we have met her both in group settings and occasionally as a trio she seems to avoid speaking to me, doesn’t really respond to anything I say or my attempts to get along with her, often just glares at me weirdly... and when she does speak to me it often seems to be jibes or weird judgey comments, she definitely interacts with me differently to how she speaks to everyone else. I have her on SM and sometimes like her posts if they involve my DW but she never interacts with mine and we have never messaged each other, whereas I often chat and interact with DW’s other friends (and the other band members), all of whom I get on really well with. I haven’t mentioned any of this to my DW before as she doesn’t seem to pick up on it at all and I’ve never really felt the need as I don’t want to cause unnecessary drama.
Also, I have looked up the wedding venue online and it looks like it would be quite expensive per head – I absolutely cannot imagine DW's friend taking on an extra expense for me to be there!
Anyway, after us going back and forth my wife decided to contact the friend to confirm whether or not I’m invited, which I didn't want her to do, but she insisted as she is still adamant that I am invited. She couldn’t call her at the time due to the friend being in her home country atm and the time difference, so she sent her a text on Saturday morning our time. It’s now Sunday night here and no response from the friend. The message is showing as unread but she usually reads and responds to DW fairly immediately unless she’s asleep, so my suspicion is that she has seen the message in her notifications and is avoiding opening it/responding. I feel really awkward now as I’m imagining the friend is not happy at all about the message, having (in her mind) made it clear that I'm not invited – I'm also worried that it seems like I’m the one pushing to want to be invited to the wedding when I truly have no interest in going. Even if I was invited/wanted to go, we’d have to sort out childcare in the form of my wife’s relatives for DC (2) as she is too young to travel that far imo and I’m not enamoured with the idea of leaving her with DW’s parents for that long. I would rather just stay here with her and let my DW go to the wedding without me – there are a few others from this country invited so they can all travel together, it’s not like she will be on her own.
Part of me is tempted to message the friend separately explaining that I didn’t think I was invited and it’s my wife who is asking, and that I’m happy for her to just respond to my wife confirming I’m not invited. If it was any of my wife’s other friends whom I get on well with I know they’d be fine with that, but I worry that she will somehow twist it and tell my wife, making it look like I’m going behind her back and trying to undermine her (she did a similar thing once before although my wife interpreted it in a totally innocent way). Ugh!!!! It just makes me feel so uncomfortable knowing what the friend is probably thinking, and although I don’t particularly like her, I feel like I can sense how awkward she must feel about how to reply to my DW!
My other option is just to tell DW all of this and maybe get her to send another message to the friend saying she's reflected and understands that I am not invited. But I suspect if I explained all of this to my DW it would really upset her – she's a very happy-go-lucky type, always sees the best in everyone and rarely picks up on bad vibes as she just wants everyone in her life to get along. So I think she'd be upset at the idea that I "think" there is tension between me and her friend, and knowing her she would probably end up mentioning it to the friend the next time we're with her, which I absolutely DO NOT want to happen as it would probably make things even more awkward. Don’t know if there is any advice anyone can give really, just needed a vent.