Housework vs childcare

[Cw112]

I have my hard hat on for this one and am fully prepared to be told aibu if people think so. Sorry its a long one.

Generally speaking dh and I are pretty 50:50 on everything. We both work full time and both take responsibility around the house and for our toddler. Dh works hard for our home and I can't fault him on that and I am really appreciative of all he does and be sure he knows that. I know I could have it a lot worse.

However we keep coming to the same disagreement. It flags up when we're behind on housework, maybe ds has been sick or something like that. When that happens it generally falls to me to take the lead with childcare. I don't mind that for the most part as I'm still bf and my work are more flexible.

This week ds has been sick with yet another nursery bug and has been extra clingy, I don't think his feet have touched the ground for about 80% of the day the last 3 days and he's just wanted to be attached to me or dh at all times. Due to work commitments, we agreed I would take off to look after ds so I've been with him the past 3 days all day. He's been unsettled at night so he's also been sleeping in beside me because he wouldn't settle in his cot. With him being poorly we haven't been able to get out of the house and we've fallen behind a bit in housework.

Dh has been working hard this weekend to get things caught up, expecting me to take the lead with ds to give him space to do that which I generally don't mind doing. The thing is when he feels like the housework is mainly left to him he starts to feel overwhelmed and then gets annoyed with me, but he won't say it - he'll say he's fine but pull faces so I know he's clearly annoyed. So I've been asking him if we can switch because I would really appreciate the space to tackle some tasks and it would be nice to do something different and to feel productive. He took this as a criticism that I felt he hadn't been doing enough. I tried to explain that I can see how much he's doing, I just want to swap so I too can do some work for the house and also because after 4 days at home up to my eyeballs in loose nappies and vomit it's starting to feel like groundhog day and I've been sitting looking at things I feel like I need to do but haven't got the space to actually get doing. He got annoyed but backed down and took ds out while I got the garden weeded, our veg patch started, kitchen cleaned and a few other tasks. He came back after having really enjoyed taking ds out for 2hrs for some quality time and I thanked him and told him I really appreciated him giving me the space to get some things done. Today we're back to square one, he's been doing various tasks since first thing, I've been with ds who is still not 100% and at 4pm I asked if we could switch over because I could tell he was getting overwhelmed and I wanted to clean the bathroom and hoover and do a few jobs that I couldn't with a toddler on my heels. He again was clearly annoyed, made a face but wouldn't say anything. He really doesn't get my perspective and I don't know how else to phrase this to help him understand or make it sound less like I don't think he's doing enough. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind if anything I felt guilty that he was doing so much. I love ds so much much but sometimes I just need to feel like I can get things done without having to disentangle myself the way dh can. For context he also has two evenings off a week for hobbies which I fully support but I don't do that, all I need is one evening to get a hot bath and do my nails or whatever which often doesn't happen.

Aibu to ask to switch responsibilities for a period of time or is he BU reacting in this way?

Jusst ask and see how it goes

YABU, I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. How much housework do you possible have to do? Ours takes us max 1-2 at the weekend to clean the whole house and do laundry. And I don’t know why you need an ‘evening off’ to have a bath, just do it once DS asleep?

Starting a veg patch isn’t catching up on housework.

I’m not clear how much this is because your DS has been ill and how much this is you want your DH to do more generally

So yesterday DH took the child out and had a lovely time. Today, you have the child and you’re miserable.

It sounds a bit like you’re determined to think whichever job you have is the worst one? Your DH can’t really win then can he.

I don't think I've maybe explained myself very well. I don't usually feel like this - I think it's just off the back of quite a few intense days stuck in the house with ds. Normally I love those days and we have lots of fun but because he's been unwell he's been in awful form and its just felt like a lot. It's probably more that I feel a bit touched out and I'd like to be able to get a few things done to make myself feel productive without being made to feel guilty for passing ds over to dh in order to do them. Usually I am off one day a week (just using the last of my mat leave) and I do the vast majority of our housework on that day so there's usually not much for us to do in the evenings bar the usual tidy up. But with ds being ill , I haven't got to do that this week and I'm feeling it and it's clear from dh reactions that he is too. I wouldn't normally count starting a veg patch as housework but things need to be planted out by certain dates so the weeding/preparing jobs really needed done so I could get them out. I think I just don't expect to get eye rolls and a pissed off passive aggressive expression when I ask him to take over ds for a bit so I can get things done? I've never reacted that way if he's done the same.

By evening off for a bath, I do, do that when ds is asleep, it just means dh has the monitor and will respond so I mentally don't need to feel like I need to be available if he wakes up. I don't think that's a big ask when dh is out twice a week for hobbies.

Also, why should I spend all day covering childcare responsibilities to then start on housework responsibilities at night when dh is then finished for the evening after a productive day and sit in front of the TV. Why shouldn't we split that so that we can have equal downtime? If I didn't do equal housework then he'd be pissed off with me and it would end in an argument so I feel like I can't win.

It seems reasonable of you to tell him you have things you'd like to do today or whenever that are very difficult with DS in tow. Would he mind taking DS for an hour or two so you can take care of a few things? If he's pulling a face after that, I'd ask what the face is for and get to the bottom of it.

I completely understand what you mean and agree with you. Having a poorly child is never a breeze so if I'm being honest as you took time off work, you should have been the one doing housework first and he should have been on childcare at the weekend. It would have allowed you that time to refresh and get over that touched out feeling with is so overwhelming (even though we do love them). Then half way through the day you should have swapped. You would then have been refreshed and enjoyed your time with then again.

I completely understand. Maybe sit down with your husband when the cleaning is back on track and discuss it. Once you both feel less overwhelmed it might help.

@BookArt thanks this probably articulated it better than I was! I love the absolute bones of ds and 90% he's the most cheerful and easy occupied wee guy but he's just had a really rough run this past week so he's not been himself at all and needed a lot from me and I guess 2hrs in 5 days just wasn't enough to refresh the way I'd have needed especially since his sleep is off so he's not been going to bed at 7 like normal, last night I was doing bedtime on and off until 10 at which point I ended up just going to bed with him in beside me. Dh sleeps in the spare room when we do that so he's been getting full nights as well so I think I'm just exhausted and a bit over emotional as a result!

@justanotherrandomperson I think the face pulling is unintentional- I don't think he knows he's doing it from past conversations. I think it's that he's feeling overwhelmed by the amount that needs done and me asking him to watch ds is asking him to take on something else. Plus let's be honest, it's probably mentally less work to stick a film you like on or listen to music while you clean than it is to entertain a toddler who's not 100% well. But if I didn't pitch in with the housework then he'd start to feel like I'm not doing my share and that would end in a disagreement so I really just want to avoid that.

I would say something like, "Look DH, I love the bones of this kid and I'm quite fond of you too, but if you don't give me an hour without someone attached to me to scrub the loo, empty the dishwasher and clean the kitchen floor, I'm going to run screaming into the street with my hands in the air. I'm being grabbed so much, I'm beginning to feel like I'm centre stage in the zombie apocalypse and I JUST NEED SPACE."

Honestly I just say I'm touched out and need a break so please can you take LO and either go out for X hours or play in one room and leave me alone with tv on doing washing up or folding laundry upstairs etc I get silence and to achieve something I want and partner gets to get out of house after working.

Even today my nwd, been ill for over a week and today first day feeling human, took LO to a group and had all day till about 5.30-6.00pm. Dinner was put in the oven and I just said I need to take 10mins upstairs and partner asked - need a LO break lol.

I can't get my head around how much housework you describe you have to do? What are you doing that's a whole other job every single day? We probably do 15mins a day during a busy work week!

Part of the issue might be that you feel the only thing you can be doing on your ‘break’ from DS is more work! How about leaving all non essential tasks while he‘s sick, and taking time to lie down in a darkened room listening to the radio, or take yourself out for a coffee?
In response to a PP who said you can have a bath when DS is in bed - no, not if your DH is having two hobby nights a week. You can have your bath while he does bedtime, and then you can have a couple of hours doing whatever you like that isn’t personal hygiene/grooming. And then you can do exactly the same on a second night of the week as well. Why is an undisturbed shower or a bath classed as all the ‘leisure time’ mothers need? Keeping yourself clean and groomed is not your hobby.
Sick toddlers are an absolute nightmare, so both of you will need to do more than usual and DH can make all the faces he likes - it’s what’s happening right now. BUT leave the non essentials while he’s ill and split the rest, so that you can both still have some genuine free time and not burn out.