To call this cheating

[Madwife888]

For two weeks my husband has been hiding messaging a married neighbour. He gave ‘them’ some of our red wine collection (he was a previous red wine drinker but I still use it for cooking) they have met up for 2 dog walks, and planned to go running together. I haven’t seen the context of most messages as he deletes them
and seems very defensive of it, it’s ’just a friend’ ‘your not controlling me’ bullshit.

her husband is apparently fine with their friendship, I’m not sure if they are in an open relationship, he just doesn’t mind or he’s not aware of the full extent of it. Friday he sent my husband a message to stay away from his wife, but the day later she was messaging him again. He protests his innocence and I’ve been made out to be the psycho at the only one not comfortable with this.

I gave him the option to end the friendship or leave so he’s going to be leaving. I can’t see how everyone is okay with this except me?! She even sent him a pic of her ‘tattos’ it was a picture from her private instagram but she’s in bra and pants and can see her nipples just totally Inappropriate. He used to call her grumpy bitch to me as she never used to say hello or smile ect, I guess he’s changed his opinion now 🫣

Obviously you aren’t the only one rightly uncomfortable with this, OP. They are behaving badly and her H doesn’t like it either.

Sadly if your H is really determined to get involved with her you are better off without him. Keep that in mind! But he might be bluffing

The photo sending sounds dodgy but the dog walking, running and wine sounds normal and neighbourly - round here there’s a nice community of dog walkers who arrange walks and message each other, regardless of their relationship status…

PS I am very sorry you sre going through this. Take care

But her husband isn't ok with it so it's not just you

The dog walks and running are innocent enough on their own but the half naked photo and deleting of messages is inappropriate. He called her a grumpy bitch... thou dost protest too much

How is her husband fine with it if he's text your husband saying stay away?

I'm sorry but he's cheating.

I can’t see how everyone is okay with this except me?!

Your previous paragraph completely contradicts this. Why are you believing your husband's BS and letting him gaslight you!?

Sounds like they're already at it.

Ah op I'm sorry, it sounds like this has already or is progressing into an affair. It's not normal friendship and at the end of the day, if its making his wife that uncomfortable he should know to take a step back and put boundaries in. Not double down and be more secretive about it. The fact her husband is clearly uncomfortable with it as well shows its affecting their marriage as well.

Truthfully if it was me I'd try to speak to the other husband and find out what he knows if your husband is deleting messages and he's told him to stay away from her I'd want to know if the other husband has more information that you don't have.

Ultimately op, you can't make him stay if he doesn't want to. You can't make him end this if he doesn't want to. What you can do is get your ducks in a row and make sure you've money in your own name, a job behind you and seek legal advice so you know all your options should it come to that. I'd also be stepping right back from him and not letting him gaslight you any more. Tell him clearly your line in the sand and let him know that what happens next is on him. If he doesn't want to be in your marriage then he needs to leave because you deserve to be with someone who respects you and wants to be with you. Then follow through. He needs to know he cannot have his cake and eat it or he'll repeat this over and over with her or someone else.

The defensiveness is very telling.

that bit did seem odd unless its a typo by the op

Your husband has been texting this woman for two weeks and now he's leaving you?

Yeah, try not to discourage him from going OP. In fact you could be really helpful and throw all his stuff outside for him. Put him outside. Shut the door, close your curtains and don't give the wanker another thought 😊 Peace and quiet for the rest of your life.

This is going to go tits up for him really quickly. Don't let him come back.

I’m sorry OP this is just shitty and all seems to have happened so quickly.

I would be knocking on their door for a little chat with the husband. I would want to compare notes and piece together the puzzle.

He'd rather leave you than end his relatively new friendship. That IMO tells you everything you need to know.

Yes, @Madwife888, this is infidelity. Your H is lapping up the validation of this new adventure with OW.

He has shifted his loyalty and emotional investment to her. Not only is their 1:1 time escalating, he is hiding his messaging, deleting, and being defensive when you express your discomfort. He couldn’t care less about your feelings and boundaries, and would rather leave than give up OW. This speaks volumes about his obsession with her and his devaluation of you to justify it.

This has likely been going on for longer than 2 weeks. There would have been a flirtation period leading up to their EA, which may be ramping up to physical involvement. His ‘platonic friendship’ claim is ludicrous, and her sending him the underwear/nipples photo is proof of that.

If he tries to backtrack on leaving, insist that he follow through because you need space to consider your options. He is acting like a single guy and shitting all over your marriage, and you don’t have to tolerate this utter disrespect and contempt.

Doesn’t sound like her husband is fine with it either

Deleting messages and preferring to leave than deny anything is going on - you’re better off without him

I’ve got confirmation it is cheating on his part. He still denying it but I’ve seen the messages. Apparently her husband gives her permission to see him which I’m not sure is true yet.

Her husband, who messaged your DH to say 'keep away from my wife', gives her permission to see your DH?

Which is it?

her husband is apparently fine with their friendship, I’m not sure if they are in an open relationship, he just doesn’t mind or he’s not aware of the full extent of it. Friday he sent my husband a message to stay away from his wife

That doesn't make sense; he isn't fine with it if he's sending messages like that.

Deleting messages, then calling you out for being crazy? Textbook cheat.

I wonder how he would feel if you got cosy with said neighbours husband.

So he is indeed a lying cheat. I’m sorry, @Madwife888. I hope he is packing his things.

What do the messages say?

I can’t see her husband giving permission if he’s previously asked your husband to stop messaging her.

Make sure you keep a copy of those messages, they could be useful in divorce proceedings. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I thought you were overreacting ... until I got to the bit about her sending him a photo of herself in her underwear. That's not something anyone sends to someone who's just a friend.