nervous about going back to work

[rosegold04]

hi, so me and dp have got into an argument a few times over this. he will not wake up whenever dd cries in the night (she’s 17 weeks), she’s a pretty good sleeper and will only wake for a feed at 2-3am on the dot. sometimes he’s sleeping in a different room as i bed share with dd when she’s super unsettled/not going back into crib. i do the majority of baby tasks, and i have told dp he needs to do the odd bedtime feed as when i go back to work in august, i am doing night shifts as we lack the childcare for both of us to work day shifts and it’s easier to get her used to both of us putting her to bed now than when she’s 8 months old and set in her routine. he hasn’t done one feed at all, and when she’s waking in the night (she’s not exactly quiet) he’s just snoring away. same room or not, and he wants to help me in the night by doing her nappy, but i always have to go and wake him up even if the doors are open and baby monitor is on. i’ve told him this makes me anxious to return to work as what if dd wakes crying in the night and he’s just fast asleep? he’s gotten so offended saying i don’t trust him, but how can i when he constantly ignores her cries?? even through the day he will have her while i finally eat one meal when he’s home from work bc sometimes she’s very needy atm and will not let me put her down or anything just to eat something, she will start crying usually as she’s tired and he doesn’t even try to get her to nap says he’s “not good at it” and that i do it better but he doesn’t even attempt so i either have to really rush myself to have food while it’s warm or just stop what i’m doing entirely and take her to try and make an effort for her to sleep. then he goes and gets something to eat while im sat with the screaming baby after wanting one thing to eat. either he’s purposely ignoring the cries in the night so i will just do it all or i genuinely have to worry for my dd mental wellbeing as her dad will not respond to her needs when i am inevitably at work again. aibu for this?

Well you definitely need to address this, it sounds as if you are basically a solo parent at the moment.
Do you have any other support/childcare options?
You might be financially better off separating from him and going onto universal credit as I think UC helps pay towards childcare.

I think you need to have a proper sit down conversation with him where you agree what childcare tasks he is going to start doing right now. He needs to set an alarm for the night feed, plus give you set breaks from the baby when he is not at work.

Either he is pretending to be incompetent, or he is a dis-interested arsehole or you are making him feel that he's not able to take out the baby care task while you are around. I'm going to assume it's one of the 2 former explanation's which is why I ask if you would consider leaving him because I'm not seeing any benefit of staying with him right now. It's 2024, he should have fed or changed or bathed his 8 month old baby by now. His behaviour is pretty revealing about how much he cares about either of you.

Firstly you need to eat during the day, put her in baby carrier and eat and nibble healthy snacks throughout the day too.

Night time try agreeing with just weekends or whatever works best for a couple of nights a week to wake and do the night feed together and slowly build this up, yes he might be being lazy but may just need more confidence in what he should be doing, it also saves arguments if you try working it out as a team together first.
If he really does sleep through her crying and some people do just sleep deeply. Look at vibration pads and monitors that are made for deaf/hard of hearing parents.

You have a while to get into routine before you go back to work so try not to worry too much 💐

i don’t really have any other support, as being a parent at 19 a lot of family disproved of baby and what we decided to do, even though we were already living in our own flat. it is something i have considered in passing tbh, as quite often i am left feeling like a single parent. i will attempt another sit down as i have explained to him before that its really important we start shifting the roles at night now before i return to work and am gone the whole night. i have always tried to talk him through how i deal with certain situations when they come up with baby but i said its just patience that’s the important part as sometimes idek what is wrong but he just lacks any patience with her and after two minutes asks if im nearly done doing whatever it is i.e eating or showering. she’s not 8 months yet, but when i go back to work she will be, she’s 4 months but even then i would’ve like more help by now. i have had a hard postpartum experience and struggled with pnd which i have now improved from but still the lack of support is really hard

thank you for your response! we have had a conversation and agreement for him to do weekends if the night and i always remind him when it comes up but he just sort of brushes me off and is very uninterested in attempting. i’ve even said about starting with a day feed if he’s not confident putting her down to bed yet but he’s just not interested yet. i am trying not to worry so much, but time feels like it’s moving so fast that before i know it im at work x

Ok, so you are both very young, congratulations on your baby I'm sorry your family aren't supportive.
Are there any sure start centres near you? If they are they offer really amazing support (the ones near me do anyway) you can find other parents with babies/toddlers and they have lots of courses to help with parenting issues/concerns/and helping bonding with your baby and baby/toddler development.
We all need this support, parenting is bloody hard! I became a parent aged 45 and I need all the support I can get (I'm a solo parent with no family support).
If your partner is young, he may be lacking in confidence or maturity. But it's time of him to step up to the new reality of his life.
Yes talk to him, get to the bottom of what's going on and don't accept shitty behaviour/excuses. You don't need you live to be the drudgery or just work/baby/work/baby when you have a partner to raise this baby together. He needs to understand how serious this is and how he needs to be a proper father.

thank you! i will have a look and see what’s around, i go to a group on a thursday but its been hard to go recently with illnesses etc. yeah im trying to support him in being confident/ showing him how to manage certain things with her if shes tired or bored or whatever it may be, i will have another conversation and tell him how serious this is bc i dont want to feel like a solo parent when hes there too

As you know it's a massive change to have a baby, and the woman hasn't got any choice but to get with the programme very swiftly.

Have you got any support in terms of friends or family who have had children and know what a challenge it can be?
It might help him understand how life is very different now and he can't just carry in as before. If he's not being proactive he needs to understand what a burden that is on you, and that you don't want a lifetime of nagging him to just do the bare minimum.

If you can get to the baby groups then please do go, it's great for baby and parents, there is usually loads to choose from so if you don't like one, just try another.

@startingagain202 his mum gives us a bit of support so she may be able to help get him to understand. none of my friends have children as they have all gone off to uni but i’ve gone the other path of having a family, which i wouldn’t change at all- even with all the difficulties atm! definitely agree i don’t want a lifetime of nagging him, it just adds to the list of reasons why i get so tired. i’m trying to explore baby groups near me, but it’s quite tricky when i can’t drive so i have to walk everywhere or catch a bus

we had a really honestly heart to heart, opened up about how i’m feeling re relationship and how im close to the end here and he took it really well and it may have been what was really really needed to hopefully get him into gear!

You sound like you're doing fantastic, and even the fact you don't regret it hugely (so many new mothers do, even if they can only admit it later when those feelings have passed!) is amazing and a testament to how you've adapted & embraced parenthood.

Hope his DM can give him the support (kick up the butt) he needs and hopefully the nicer weather means you can get out and about and enjoy the remainder of your maternity leave, and get to those groups so you can find kindred spirits

Brilliant!

thank you! i don’t think i’ve ever had feeling of regret, obviously there’s things about life before a baby i miss slightly but being a mum is just an amazing experience even with the struggles right now.

yeah i hope she can give that nudge he may need externally too, but i am hopeful things will change soon for the better for everyone involved :)

You're struggling with PND and planning to work nights while co-parenting a baby? When are you going to sleep 8 hours, eat, exercise, socialise and live? To protect your MH.

I did nights for a couple of years when I didn't have a child. I also parented a child who didn't sleep well. Each of those was hellish for my MH. Please look after yourself.

DH though, he did no night wakings for moths because I BF. When we swapped over, he started to wake and eventually I didn't and he did. Babies are programmed to wake us and we are programmed to meet their needs.