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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to know about this memory I have

22 replies

ICanSmellSummer · 14/04/2024 01:48

sorry I know it’s late but need some advice. I have a memory in my head and it just doesn’t sit right and got me thinking about what actually happened.

im around the age of 4, I remember I was supposed to be staying over at my aunties (great aunties, my moms auntie) it’s raining and my auntie is knocking on my front door holding me in her arms. When she opens the door my mom answers she takes me from my aunties arms crying and cuddles me close, my auntie is also crying.
my auntie had 2 children a son and daughter. The daughter is about 8 years older, her son around 5 years (my cousins).

my mom sadly passed away almost 10 years ago so I cannot ask her but my male cousin said something that made my blood run cold last year about this incident. He asked if I remembered what games we used to play when we were younger and if I remembered the time we pretended we were boyfriend and girlfriend and he tried to set his bedroom on fire with us in it, I said I didn’t have a clue what he was on about and quickly shut down the conversation. I do vaguely remember him being a little bit weird and also remember I was never allowed to stay at the house again. I want to ask my dad but I’m scared about what he is going to tell me or if he would tell me anything at all, my mom may have kept it from him, it may bring up memories for him, however it’s giving me nightmares and I keep waking up thinking I am trapped in a room that is on fire.

im pretty sure everybody that knows thinks I don’t remember but I do remember I remember her crying and I remember it was raining and dark. I haven’t really had any contact with the auntie for a long long time just because different generation and now my moms no longer here I don’t keep in contact with many members of the family mainly the ones my age group.

I feel silly and probably this isn’t going to make sense to many people but I just wanted some advice, do I leave the past in the past?

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 14/04/2024 02:18

I guess if you want to know what happened you could just ask him about it? It might make you feel better to have the details.

AssassinsEyebrow · 14/04/2024 04:41

Clearly you need to find out what happened. Why don't you reach out to your aunt?

Spoonthief · 14/04/2024 04:48

I’d contact your Aunt and ask her directly.
If this is now giving you nightmares it’s not going to go away until you talk to her and find out the truth.
Then you can focus on dealing with your feelings about it.

NCprivatelife · 14/04/2024 05:00

I have sort of half memories like this about a guy who lived in a caravan on my parents' drive for a while (he was my stepmums sister's boyfriend, it was all very weird). I was around 6 or 7, I remember sneaking out to go to his caravan and he had a drawer full of chocolate bars he'd give me (very specific memory of Lion bars!). I don't remember any "funny business", but of course as an adult these memories give me the total wiggins as seems so suspicious and I wonder if anything went on that i either didn't understand or blocked out. Nobody I can ask about that now.

You do have options so I would definitely ask your aunt. You can write her a letter if the relationship isn't close enough for you to just call her/visit her. If all else fails, ask your cousin for more details (have someone you trust with you if you if you don't feel safe).

It sounds like something is bubbling to the surface in the wake of your mum's death. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you find answers and peace. I think it's worth focussing on the fact that whatever the truth of it, you survived, your life now is your life now and the past doesn't change that fact - but clarity on this mystery may give you some closure and help you put this slightly disturbing memory of your mum in it's proper place as your mind does the grief work of accepting her loss. All the best to you x

decionsdecisions62 · 14/04/2024 05:32

Try regression hypnosis if you don't feel you can approach people.

Nicole1111 · 14/04/2024 07:43

If you truly feel it would be beneficial, speak to your aunty and find yourself a trauma therapist to help you process what you may learn. I’d also consider though if what you already know, and your suspicions about what that might mean you have experienced, are enough to deal with, in which case I’d still recommend finding a trauma therapist to help you work through what’s coming up for you now.

ICanSmellSummer · 14/04/2024 10:14

Thanks for all advice, I have thought about asking the cousin directly however I don’t want him to feed me a lie same with my aunt. It is her son so would she actually tell me.

i do think I would benefit from some kind of trauma therapist because it won’t stop going round my head, I want to know what happened and why the part of them both crying sticks so clearly in my head.

OP posts:
AssassinsEyebrow · 14/04/2024 10:41

Is their bad feeling between you and your aunt?

If not and you've just drifted, arrange a coffee or lunch and catch up. Ask her about your memory and see what she says, I'd only bring in what your cousin told you after opening the conversation and seeing what she replies.

If you lead with, he said he started a fire" then it's going to sound aggressive and accusatory.

It may have been an accident or unintentional. Children are curious and do play with matches/lighters. Their instinct is to ignore a fire when it starts out of fear...I know of a couple of cases personally

ICanSmellSummer · 14/04/2024 11:29

It is just that we have drifted, I haven’t seen her since the funeral. I will try and reach out to her and arrange a coffee and take it from there. I do appreciate all replies so thank you

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 14/04/2024 20:00

decionsdecisions62 · 14/04/2024 05:32

Try regression hypnosis if you don't feel you can approach people.

My sister did this and remembered my mum's 2nd husband molesting her

Katemax82 · 14/04/2024 20:04

Also I totally get your confusion..I have similar. I remember my dad (who I adored) was lying next to me on the sofa and got me in an embrace and told me he loved me (I was 9) I suddenly froze in adject horror. As if something awful was happening. My dad in my memory has never done anything wrong so I often wonder if I have something I've suppressed in my mind.
Try the regression thing so you don't cause any upset. Hopefully you will find the answers you need

TulipBluebells · 14/04/2024 20:23

I had hypnotherapy to uncover SA as a child (by my effing brother. I hate him). If you want to know then I can highly recommend hypnotherapy for it.

ICanSmellSummer · 14/04/2024 23:51

I’m going to research hypnotherapy now. Not heard of that before!
Thank you

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 14/04/2024 23:54

Ask your aunt and your dad. So sorry OP it sounds disturbing. And a reputable therapist/hypnotherapist is a great idea.

ICanSmellSummer · 14/04/2024 23:58

I don’t know how to approach the conversation with my dad.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 15/04/2024 00:02

Maybe just say dad, I have a weird memory from when I was little, can you help me make sense of it?

ICanSmellSummer · 15/04/2024 00:06

I will try and catch up with him this week and speak about this before it eats me up

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 15/04/2024 00:12

Good luck @ICanSmellSummer

Hemakesmesmile2 · 15/04/2024 00:13

I’d just ask your dad and explain your awful reoccurring dreams. Hope you get to the bottom of it OP.

ICanSmellSummer · 15/04/2024 00:14

I won’t disappear don’t worry, I will come back and update you when I’ve had the conversation. If he denies any knowledge of it or says my memory is playing tricks on me I will go for hypnotherapy, the details are too strong for this to be made up.

OP posts:
JustBrowsingTheWeb · 15/04/2024 00:28

I think you are right to try to get to the bottom of this-follow your instinct. As you said the aunty and son may not be truthful but if this is the case you will likely detect some dishonesty, it is surprising how many clues you can pick up from lies because they often include some fragments of truth. A jigsaw only fits together one way! I hope you solve your mystery xx

partydownseason3 · 15/04/2024 00:37

Please, please be careful using hypnosis to ‘recover’ memories. Memories are incredibly unreliable and the brain can’t always distinguish between what is real and what you have been told.
Do not rely on being hypnotised to understand what this memory is, speak to the people involved.

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