To not go for coffee with everyone at work

[WhatAreYouOnAbout]

There’s a bunch of women managers I work with who have a bad attitude to the management stuff I need them to do. We share a useless boss and that was the consensus when the boss was appointed. I find them inauthentic and maybe they’re just good at small talk but I hate that and I feel very anxious around them because I’m straight up but know I lack something socially cos I’m so nervous I miss cues! So I stay away from them, I don’t play the game, I dine and coffee alone or at my desk. I’m 45 years of age and think I’m a bit old for this! I don’t like feelin like an outsider at the same time. It really hurt that I wasn’t invited to a recent party that I expected to be invited to. Help!

YANBU.

I never go off for coffee or lunch with colleagues. They’re just that, colleagues, they’re not my friends. I like my lunch break to be by myself so I can read and just chill for half an hour without the awkward small talk.

Thank you. If I could truly take this on board and genuinely not care I wouldn’t feel so exposed or like an outcast. I’ll try to do this. Thank you!

Colleagues aren't friends. Polite rapport is nice but imo getting work relationships and personal relationships tangled up isn't always a great idea. I always go out at lunch as I need my time off to be just that. Don't care about not being invited to stuff (but our team invite everyone, pointed exclusion could be cast as bullying).

It seems that you have set a boundary of these are colleagues not friends. Which is fine but then it's unlikely you will be invited to stuff. (Other than work events)

You can't have it both ways. If you aren't taking part in the informal socia activities in the office like coffee and lunch, you don't get to be upset that they don't invite you to other events. You also make it clear you don't really like these women.

If you do want to be friends with them, make the effort.

No problem🙂It’s easier said than done. I think it’s easier if you work in a large company but more harder if it’s a small one and there are little groups or cliques.

This.

I'm not sure I understand all of your OP, but I got the bit about you refusing to eat your lunch together, or have conversations over coffee, so I'm not sure why you think they would then invite you to their party as you've made it quite clear you don't want to socialise with them.

It really hurt that I wasn’t invited to a recent party that I expected to be invited to. Help!

What do you want help with?

Coming to terms with not being invited to socialise with a group of women you clearly can't stand?

You’re all right. I have made my bed. I’m getting that i just have to own how I feel and accept the consequences. Not gonna stop being true to self or start people pleasing just to fit in. Thw that. I used to work with them - things all changed when I got promoted after being gone a few years. Thanks all, the clarity provided is so helpful.