To ruin the dynamic with a third child

[Mygardenisaswamp]

We currently have a nearly three year old and a nearly one year old. I would like a third, but I'm concerned that having four years (assuming I get pregnant immediately like with the other two, it might be longer) between DC1 and DC3 will mean they won't play or be interested in the same things. Also concerned that as they get older we won't have enough time for a variety of hobbies and interests. Oh, and also concerned we'll be stretched too thin regarding emotional support and energy.
If relevant, I'm currently a sahm. Partner works 7.30am till 6pm. No family help.
Are we insane to consider ruining our happy little family by having a third? Anyone one of three and can give their opinion on how their childhood was (particularly if close age gaps)? Any thoughts?!

I am one of three and have three myself.
I was the middle child, we all had a lovely childhood together.
My eldest child has severe learning disabilities, so despite being very close in age to DC2 they are not close. DC2 and DC3 however have always been close, and have four years between them..they are now 14 and 11.

15 and 11

There is 5 years between my eldest and youngest. That's not a problem at all.

What is very very hard is time and money.
Clubs and activities, birthday parties etc

This is a concern - time wise especially. Do you feel like your kids get the attention you would like to give them/feel they need? Or is it much more of a compromise than having two?

I don’t think the age gap is a problem at all. Would I advise anyone to have 3 kids in this economy? Absolutely not. But it’s a very personal thing and if you feel you can afford it why not?

One of three and have three. I don't think it is the age gap that determines family dynamics but the personalities. I loved being one of three, always felt we had a little gang, both when we were kids and still now. There is 3.5 years between dc1 and dc3 (dc 2 pretty much bang in the middle) and it's mostly great, the thing I find hardest - as mentioned above - is we now have 3 different schedules to work with. Ultimately you don't know what any hypothetical child will be like so it is always a gamble as to how the dynamics will play out. Worth the risk in my experience, but aware not always the case.

We have 3, 6 years between the oldest and youngest and the dynamic is brilliant. DH and I are both from families of two kids and we've just been talking about how brilliantly three get on compared to our experiences of being a 2. There's always someone to play with but also there's always the opportunity for alone time - so kids don't stress each other out and argue. They move between pairs and occasionally have a big game of all 3 like when playing Uno. They just head off together like a like little gang. Our youngest is 4 so obviously it takes time but really since he was about 2 the dynamic is much better than 2.

It is expensive though!

I have three, third is 3.5 and wasn't planned. I cried when I found out, and was depressed during entire pregnancy and after. I knew it would Be difficult financially etc, and it is. It's very hard, relationship dynamic changed between DH and I, I'm constantly stressed, riddled with anxiety, house is a state, I loose my temper with them all, we had to change our car, we go without holidays and luxuries etc
I wouldn't recommend it to anyone although understand every family is different, I get no help from DH for example, another family might have both parents helping equally, that would make a big difference, perhaps if the main earner is in a top job, moneys not a problem, if the mum is super chilled and doesn't get worked up, then maybe it would work great! But so
Much to think About and imo too close an age gap too.

I'd say there's a massive jump in time between 2 & 3.
Not so much in the parenting. I'm not saying that's harder. Just the individual time I try to give them.

I do run myself flat making sure I carve out time for them individually every day.
And it is extremely exhausting and I don't think it's enough
I'm lucky as well that my middle child is a very quiet introvert and is happy with me just reading a story or something small. She isn't a fan of masses of 1 on 1 attention.
If she was like my third I would be screwed. As that child feeds off attention and time.

This sounds really hard, hugs. I often feel brittle with just the two of them so I'm worried I might not be cut out to have three. We are fortunate in that my partner has a well paid job and I will be able to ramp up my work once they are all at school while still covering holidays and school runs etc so we won't have the expense of childcare. But that does leave a lot on my shoulders...

Im one of three and chose to have only two myself. I’m the oldest followed by two brothers, who were very close and formed a little gang within the family.

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1 it's such a gamble isn't it! My first is quite sensitive and really needs one on one time. And the moment the baby is very easy going, confident, and generally happy. But who knows how their personality will develop. And if the third was to have additional needs or even just be clingy I would be very worried I wouldn't be able to do a good job.

Partner, not husband.

do you work ?
pay into a pension ?

own or rent ?

these things are more important than you think

It is and mine at elast mine have definitely got a bit of something with me eying up the third.

So it's exhausting and it's never ending. The cleaning is relentless
And while you've said money is good so much can change.
I am so glad we moved into a 4 bed so everyone can have their own space because this turned out to be a necessity.
So on that front I wouldn't have a child if they had to share.

I have 3, all adult now. I had 3 in under 4 1/2 years and experienced the following:

4/2/under a year - chaos, hard, esp. with a DH who did very long hours (bath times esp.) Almost lost the will to live.
Between 5/3/1 and 7/5/3 - pretty difficult, and need eyes in the back of your head, stamina and a good bedtime routine.

8/6/4 til 16/14/12 - busy, but lovely.

Teen years were a bit interesting, but they were all pretty good to be honest, as we treated them with the same respect as we would adults and generally received the same back. Since then, it's stayed pretty similar. They're 23/21/19 now and they come home in Uni holidays/when not fully employed.

The only thing I would say though is it's seriously expensive. Very few economies of scale and right now, it's s really tight (2 at Uni, one at home as looking for his first professional job).

Don't regret 3 for a second, but it was hard there for a while.

I was one of three (middle, large age-gaps) but honestly feel that the decision to have a larger family was a mistake on the part of my parents

They didn’t have the income, time or energy to properly pay attention to all three of us, even with a SAHM. I also noticed that ‘parenting fatigue’ set in when I was about fourteen and they were 50ish - but they still had nearly a decade to go at that point to raise my younger sibling!

We were good, hardworking, studious DC who did well at school but there were still periods when each of us was (relatively) neglected due to our parents not having the capacity to notice or take action, because they were so tied up with another child. Or the general assumption that we must be ‘alright’ and getting on well at school, because, why wouldn’t we be? Depression, bullying, sexual harassment, untreated infections, medical problems that they were too slow to take to the GP…One of my siblings has lifelong MH problems that started in their teenage years. Plus they completely failed to plan for university costs for all three of us, despite my father being over the threshold for us receiving any kind of funding…

Read one of the Higher Education threads about sending DC to university if you’re thinking of having three close together! There was a recent thread about two DC going to Bristol which was very eye-opening. Be warned, the student finance system takes no account of the costs of multiple children going through university at the same time!

Also, life happens - one of my parents had a cancer diagnosis when we were 17, 10 and 6, which probably contributed to some of the above, but I suspect it still would have been easier for them with two rather than three children.

I look now at the level of support, attention and focus that I have been able to give my own DC (whose own path has not been straightforward) and wish that I had received a bit more of the same.

I have 3. 2.5 years between them all. Baby number 3 was a surprise. I cried when I found out, worrying about money, how we’d cope, would it change the dynamic we had etc. I even booked an appointment for a termination but couldn’t go through with it. Fast forward and baby 3 is the best “accident” ever. We all love her dearly, the elder 2 love having her around and our family is just so much fun now. It’s hard work but I found the transition from 1 - 2 harder than 2 - 3. Don’t overthink it :)

I don't see the age gap as an issue. You might be spread thinly though as you don't have help. However at least the eldest would be in school. I'd be considering if you can afford holiday clubs during the school hols.

It's not the age gap that's the issue, but your capacity as a SAHM and your DH's. I have four children 9, 7, 4, 2 and they take alot of my time and energy both individually and in groups. They get along beautifully (mostly) as I'm teaching them how to play together and negotiate etc. There's certainly less money for each, but DH & I work hard to take them to clubs and help them with homework etc. They are very happy and thriving. But we both have a high capacity for supporting our children.

As you feel brittle with two, I'd wait until the youngest is a year older as see how you feel. It wouldn't be fair on them to have a third which makes you impatient and stressed.

I'm sorry that all sounds tough. Are you sure the neglect was down to having 3 kids. If they ignored issues it sounds like they may have had issues themselves whether they had one or five kids. I don't know, of course, I just wonder. And it sounds like they blamed their lack of parenting on having 3 kids like this was their narrative. With mine I try not to blame the other kid for my being busy instead of mummy can't do x because of your brother I say there's a lot of housework etc.. I wonder if in your case they blamed the number of kids for their own problems.

Ours are 16, 14 and nearly 7...so a largish age gap before dc3.

With hindsight I am SO glad that we left the gap. Life is busy and full on with 3 but the fact that dc1 and 2 don't need childcare and are largely independent/minimal supervision required makes such a difference.

We do a lot of pick ups and drop offs but with dc1 and 2 that's literally what it is now - take them to football, rugby practice, town or the cinema or a friends house - they jump out, then pick them up 2 hours later. It doesn't suck in hours of your day anymore.

Dc3 obviously needs watching so his rugby training and swimming classes and playdates etc require one of us to sit there for X hours which is fine, for one. I remember keenly what this was like for 2 dc at the same time and it was manic at times, trying to fit it all in.

I can't even imagine how people do it with 3 young dc very close in age tbh. All the full class parties, the activities...and that's just time wise, not to mention childcare costs for 3 at once 🤢. Childcare for 2 nearly broke us but by the time I returned to work after dc3, dc1 was 10.5 so didn't really need any paid childcare.

5 is often an inconvenient number too. EVERYTHING seems to be aimed at families of 4, from holidays and 'family entry' tickets to a pack of bloody Chicken Kievs!

Not one of 3 but I am one of 4 although I remember when there was only 3 of us so I feel I can still put forward that experience.

honestly, I love my younger sibling/s dearly but do not think it was the right choice for my parents, especially my mum. She was and still is stressed ALL of the time. Very rarely has time for herself, is always juggling something and doesn't really know a lot about me as an adult.

There is a large age gap (I was 14 when third was born) and from that point on I was largely left to do whatever I wanted. This did not have good outcomes, I got involved with a boys a lot older than me and ended up pregnant by the age of 16. I am not blaming my parents for this as it was my silly choices but I had no boundaries whatsoever, no one to check I was in at night etc. so I took full advantage of this as an impulsive teenager. My self esteem also dwindled hugely, my anxiety sky rocketed and I also had OCD. A lot of this went completely unnoticed by my parents and it has only been as an adult that I've been able to get help for these things.

Onto how it affects my relationship with my parents now (particularly my mum, my dad is a lot better at staying in touch and offering support now) she still does not have much time, if any, for me and her grandchildren. My younger siblings are still in school and demand a lot of her time and attention which is completely fair enough but I do feel sad that she is never free and does not have the relationship with my children that I had with my own grandparents growing up. My dad is much better at offering to help me out with things but my mum does put a dampner on this as it will subsequently affect her - ie. she will be on her own with my siblings if he comes out to help me/my children will be at theirs and she will have to interact with them too etc.

Now, I love my mum and dad, I really do, but I don't personally think they were able to stretch themselves that far, not financially, not emotionally and not physically. As a teen, I ended up in dangerous situations and was not supported at all really with anything. As an adult, my mum especially simply does not have the energy to really care or enquire about my life. I doubt she would even know my favorite color/food/drink if she were asked.

So, my advice would be - please make sure you are able to support 3. They will grow up and become people with a variety of things thrown at them and they will all individually need their parents.

If you want a third, and can afford the associated costs, then go ahead. Age gaps have no guarantee of future closeness/friendship. Gender may also play a role.
I have 3 (now adult) children. Two DDs 20 months apart who are great friends, and a DS 4 years younger than DD2 (so 6 years younger than DD1). They got on ok as kids but DS was always separate due to age and gender interests. They all still get in well, but its very much two close sisters and a younger brother.
My advice would be if you want a third, go ahead quick to avoid age gap.

I have not rtft. And only have 2, so feel free to ignore me. I just wanted to respond to the age gap bit. Due to fertility issues, mine are 8 and 15 months. I was so stressed about the gap and so upset that they would not have the sibling experience or play together, etc.

They adore one another though! Wee one barely speaks, but has been trained to say brother for months. Manages "buboo" and a v obvs shortening of his name. They watch shows together (my 8 year old will snuggle and watch peppa pig to please her), she watches pokemon beside him.

They physically play, they kind of wrestle (obvs 8 Yr old is v gentle). They play on the trampoline, they build blocks, paint, draw, go on bike/scuttlebug around the cul de sac, they play at the park, on the beach, in the back seat of the car. They even manage to row sometimes 🙈 just one is communicating in finger wagging and shouting noises 🤣 Anyone watching can absolutely see what the row is about!

They just play beautifully and communicate wonderfully. It melts my heart to see them. They have such a special bond. I cannot believe I worried so much about the age gap that I questioned our choice and nearly gave up. I am so lucky we finally did it.