Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if we should go on this trip when intimacy issues are ongoing?

23 replies

DrusillaL · 13/04/2024 11:54

Been with a guy for a few months and sex hasn't been smooth from the start.

I am the first person he's been with since his ex 4 years ago and he was able to penetrate me but lost his erection part way through. We both struggled to orgasm for a while/find out what makes the other tick. Now we both do.

The last time we had sex was two weeks ago. We were together last week but although he got hard he didn't initiate. He told me he's got too used to his hand so now he's retraining with a toy (Fleshlight). We cuddled for a long time and had a nice dinner, but later when he got home he said he wished he'd made the move.

Last night we went for an amazing 3 1/2 hour dinner which flew by because it was so much fun. But he didn't stay over and went home at the end due to working again this morning. But when I woke this morning to an empty bed it made me feel sad.

He's going through a very intense and stressful period at work which has taken a large toll on him. Last night at dinner he shared he's seriously thinking about retraining and changing careers because of how much it's costing him.

All this aside, he's now suggested we go away for a long weekend on a beach trip (in UK) to get peace and quiet with no work, just us. Is this a good idea?

OP posts:
Original poster
DrusillaL · 13/04/2024 11:59

I suppose what I'm saying is, I feel like this trip could be a chance to get the switch off and reset he needs (and hopefully more sex!) and a good opportunity for us to grow closer.

But at the same time having this little sex is causing me to lose confidence and means we're not as stable as we could be

OP posts:
Pheasantsmate · 13/04/2024 12:02

I’d go on the trip, but in your mind treat it as a bit of a make or break. If it helps him clear his head, feel that there’s no time pressure then the sex might be better. If it’s not I’d move on, this is too big a compromise too early on.

SwingTheMonkey · 13/04/2024 12:04

The first few months of a relationship should be exciting and fun. This sounds anything but. I’m sorry but I think I’d be considering if this was worth it.

Abbimae · 13/04/2024 12:08

Sound like hard work

Original poster
DrusillaL · 13/04/2024 12:10

That's sort of that I'm thinking @Pheasantsmate

I almost feel like I need to try the trip to see how things going when we're together without work distractions. The fact he suggested it is surely positive?

I mean the sex isn't terrible by any means. We can make each other orgasm without penetration and he does penetrate for a few minutes usually, but doesn't last.

Obviously that part isn't fun for me but he's working on it. We do have a lot of fun and do fun activities but yes this is weighing on my mind.

OP posts:
LiterallyOnFire · 13/04/2024 12:12

I can't think of anything less erotic than a bloke telling me about his fleshlight. It all sounds exhausting and unsexy.

JamSandle · 13/04/2024 12:13

The flashlight would put me off a bit.

Original poster
DrusillaL · 13/04/2024 12:14

@LiterallyOnFire he didn't have one before. He bought it a couple of weeks ago because he thought part of the reason he isn't staying hard for no longer is because he's got used to his own hand. It's his way of trying to get used to a different sensation.

OP posts:
Pantaloons99 · 13/04/2024 12:15

Ah I feel for both of you. This sort thing must be awful for a guy. But I equally think you have needs and it is only fair he is totally open to trying everything to overcome the problem and communicate that with you.

I'd go anyway. Just enjoy the trip and use it as the opportunity to think whether there is any mileage in the relationship.

SwingTheMonkey · 13/04/2024 12:18

Honestly op, it sounds like your boyfriend needs to have some therapy to get over these problems. It might be wise to let him work things out before you further pursue a relationship.

Ponoka7 · 13/04/2024 12:21

You've got to decide what your priority is and if the fun side/getting on well is easily replacable. He's right about getting too used to wanking, porn use is similar, they have to retrain themselves to real life sex. If he ticks the other boxes I'd give it a go. His honesty is a good point. So many couples struggle with communication, especially around sex.

PastorCarrBonarra · 13/04/2024 12:23

If he’s otherwise great (which he seemingly is) I’d go on the trip and give the relationship a chance. He’s not being complacent like some of the men and women in posts on this board who have unilaterally decided that sex is off the table and expect their partner simply to accept it. Then, I think that if things hadn’t improved by the end of the year it would be the end of the relationship for me.

Bear in mind I’m 51 and have had children so I have no “time clock” issues. If you’re 30+ and you want kids but have none, you may want to consider whether you can give up another half year or more to this guy, nice as he is.

mitogoshi · 13/04/2024 12:32

Go on the trip, nothing to loose, afterwards if it's not resolved things it's time to reevaluate the relationship

caringcarer · 13/04/2024 12:45

I'd treat the trip as a make or break. He should be abstaining from wanking for a while and then when he sees you he'd be really up for it.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2024 12:48

You've only been dating a few months and you're already burdened with his issues. Fuck that. This kind of thing rarely gets better, and the longer you stay, the more complicated it gets. If you're looking for a long-term relationship/children, I'd be swiftly moving on.

Deadringer · 13/04/2024 12:50

If you really like him I would go on the trip. It sounds like he is trying to find a solution to his issues, but long term he might not be the right one for you.

EvenStillIWantTo · 13/04/2024 12:59

Oh fuck that. He needs to retrain himself with a fleshlight?!

How romantic. You can surely find someone unencumbered with this level of shit.

WarshipRocinante · 13/04/2024 13:06

Weird question… does the guy live in Glasgow? A good friend of mine is the man in this situation, very very similar. He is embarrassed by it but really want this to work and wants to find a way through the difficulties.

DDivaStar · 13/04/2024 13:15

In all honesty it shouldn't be this difficult from the start. I'd just assume you're not compatible and move on.

Daffidale · 13/04/2024 13:17

The attitudes on this thread are really sad. Poor bloke. It sounds like he has been open and honest with you, and is trying to make it work. It’s not that he isn’t interested. If this is the only issue with the relationship then at least give the weekend a go, and give him more time to see if things improve.

You may have different libidos and want different things sexually . That’s OK. It’s worth figuring out. If you can’t deal with a relationship like this you don’t have to. but it’s not his fault. And shaming someone for this kind of dysfunction (like some of the responders have here) is awful.

TheIceQween · 13/04/2024 13:28

See, even if things improve on the trip and he’s not distracted with work etc; as soon as you return to normal life again, I’d be worried the problems resurface. The trip could sort a few issues for you but if they’re going to return once you’re home, I’d probably swiftly exit

TotalDramarama24 · 13/04/2024 14:10

I would get out now before you become too involved with him. If you stay with him you are signing up to a lifetime of bad sex and your self esteem will be rock bottom. He is blaming the hand issue and work issues now but when he starts to retrain he will blame the stress of that, and then there will be other reasons. There will always be issues and it's probably therapy he needs.

SwingTheMonkey · 13/04/2024 14:12

Daffidale · 13/04/2024 13:17

The attitudes on this thread are really sad. Poor bloke. It sounds like he has been open and honest with you, and is trying to make it work. It’s not that he isn’t interested. If this is the only issue with the relationship then at least give the weekend a go, and give him more time to see if things improve.

You may have different libidos and want different things sexually . That’s OK. It’s worth figuring out. If you can’t deal with a relationship like this you don’t have to. but it’s not his fault. And shaming someone for this kind of dysfunction (like some of the responders have here) is awful.

Oh stop. Nobody has shamed the guy. But he’s not had a relationship for 4 years so his last one must have left lasting scars. He’s got intimacy issues and problems with sexual disfunction. This is a guy who needs to sort himself out by way of therapy before he enters into a relationship. I’d say the same if it were a woman. Heal yourself or a new realtionship won’t work.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page