Grieving for my dad AIBU

[Lastandfirst]

my dad passed away 5 years ago.
He’d batted 3 different cancers on and off for the previous 10 years.
When we got his terminal diagnoses he said he was relieved. He was content with his life and was pleased he’d seen my sister and I happily married and his grandchildren. He had no regrets.

He passed away 8 weeks later, it was peaceful at home with us all there, just how he wanted.

I was pleased he got a nice end.
I too felt relief that he no longer had to have awful cancer treatments and could finally rest.

So here’s my AIBU

• yes I was sad when we found out he was going to die and when he died.
• i still miss him and am sad but this is outweighed by the fact he died under his own terms and we have so many happy memories.

My Mum and sister continue to mourn with emotion and continually get cross that I’m not crying or being as sad as them.
100% know everyone mourns differently and said this to them.
I don’t have to partake in sessions where we all cry together. I’ll comfort them and talk about dad but I don’t want to miss him in this way… all the time.

aibu that I don’t feel what they feel?
how do I go forward with this without causing more upset

If they are crying all the time 5 years in they should probably get some professional help at this point to try and remember the good things and the nice memories. Crying is obviously normal, it gets you when you least expect it and anything can set you off no matter how far down the line you are. But all the time at 5 years on sounds like they might benefit from support.

I can see the difficulty you have, 5 years on it's not really proportional to be having "crying sessions" as you describe them (quite different to being emotional about a specific situation, date, anniversary, that's more normal) especially when you describe the situation of his passing.

I definitely think they would benefit from talking to someone or better your mum joining a support group, because my hunch is your sister is simply following your mums lead not wanting to upset her.

As I say totally normal to get emotional about him due to a certain date or event but not "crying sessions" 5 years later when it was a "normal" passing (not complex situation)

YANBU. You are focussed on your Dads feelings, and your family members are focussed on their feelings. IDK how you could suggest change to them without causing more upset, they seem determined to carry on as they are.
Do you think they would cause a rift over this?

This.
Everyone's different, but a year was what I thought.
I am the same as you and was relieved when Dad passed peacefully away at almost 80.
He was very comfortable and slept through the last 2 weeks.
Mil suffered at the end and it was awful. The nursing staff were amazing and I'm forever grateful

For your own mental health keep up with your positive attitude.
Your dad wouldn't have wanted anyone to suffer for him and would be very proud of the way you are handling things

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Like PP I think they could benefit from counselling if they are crying all the time 5 years down the line. I’m not saying they shouldn’t be mourning him, of course that’s natural, but crying all the time and expecting you to do the same is not.

I lost my mam in August. I’m not crying all the time. I do sometimes fill up but not all of the time. She had Alzheimer’s and for the last 18 months of her life she really suffered. The end was horrific, but she’s not suffering anymore. She’s no longer in pain and suffering and is at peace. That’s what I wanted for her.

It’s the same for your dad. He’s no longer suffering with the awful cancers xx

Thanks all, it’s not all the time. But they feed of each other and my sister is worse she’s the ringleader.

I've suggested counselling.

i think I’ll have a word with my sister and tell her to pull herself together she’s always loved to be dramatic 🙈
We are close but butt heads frequently so god know which way this could go but it sounds awful but I can’t put up with this much longer.

@PinkiOcelot sorry for your loss.
yes this is it ….we were so lucky that dad was so peaceful. A year later we would have been under Covid restrictions and not seen him at all.
They can’t seem to appreciate how lucky we were

They need some professional help I think, so I would gently say that and direct them to cruise

I can still get very upset about my mum not being here 20 years on, but it’s very rare, mostly she’s just in my thoughts and feelings - I miss her but life is life etc

EDIT - ah yes, if it’s your sister I would have a sharp word, as that does sound like drama. With your mum it could be depression / loneliness as she lost her life partner -