To ask for help moving past having another baby?

[AlohaMolly]

I’m 36 with a 7 year old. His dad and I live together but it was very quick to get started. I fell pregnant months into a relationship that was already fizzling out and chose to keep the baby despite knowing the relationship was rocky. Fast forward to now and we have a functional affectionate relationship but I don’t think either of us are under the impression we are the love of each others lives. We both adore our seven year old.

Ever since I was a child, all I have wanted is marriage, babies and animals. Everything I did was working towards that, including moving 300 miles away from my family to where I live now because at 16 I knew it was where I wanted to raise a family.

my partner does not want more children. For the last four years it has been a constant issue for me. I’ve accepted I won’t ever be married and I thought I was coming to terms with never having another child, especially as my partner agreed to look for a dog over the last six months.

over Easter, I raised the fact that our son asks all the time for a sibling and can’t understand why he can’t have one. Independent of me, as obviously I don’t discuss my feelings or desires on this topic with my child. My partner gave me some hope over both maybe having another child or having a dog.

Yesterday I brought it up again and it’s a hard no on both counts. I’m heartbroken and I don’t know how to move past it. I’m aware my choices are stay or leave (it’s his house, I’m not on the mortgage) but if I leave, I will only see my child 50% of the time.

I am well aware my partner is well within his rights not to want another child or a dog. I’m not asking for help convincing him, I’m asking for help on how I let go of the things that I have dreamed of since I was a young child. How do I move on?

I'm sorry 🩷

I'm going to therapy for similar issues - not having the family I thought I would have. Its actually pretty helpful.

Has he said why he doesn't want more children? Also, you should be on the mortgage.

You're only 36, you still have options (sperm doner etc) if thats the route you want to go down.

His reasons are basically that he can’t be bothered. I support that he can have any reason he likes, but it somehow makes it worse.

While I know it isn’t true for everyone, my personal belief for my child is that his life is less without a sibling. I know that isn’t true for everyone, so please don’t jump down my throat for saying it, but part of why it’s so hard is I feel I’ve failed my child, which then morphs into not being able to understand why my partner won’t give my child what he deserves.

I do sort of feel like I don’t have time to leave and start again, purely because I don’t feel like I would be able to find another person in that time. Sperm donor could be an option but I’m not really to clued up on it.

Therapy is probably a really good shout!

I’m far more concern about your financial situation. I hope you haven’t paid a penny towards his mortgage and have your own savings. He’s allowed to not want another baby, and you’re allowed to want one. But have one for yourself, not as a sibling. The way you describe your relationship I’d be more included to leave but you’re risking that you won’t be able to get pregnant, and I assume would be in difficult financial position

I think therapy would be best OP, if nothing else it will hopefully help you get away from this idea that it is any kind of failure or “lesser life” to not have a sibling for your child. The reality is that nothing is guaranteed, this picture in your head of siblings who adore each other, play together, support each other for life etc is nothing more than a dream in your mind. Lots of siblings absolutely despise each other and never speak. It’s not helpful for you to focus so much on this potential relationship for your child which doesn’t exist & which actually you have no guarantee of anyway even if you were to have another child. Therapy will really help you with that, to just focus on the reality rather than the “what if’s”. X

I agree with others - perhaps therapy can help work through feelings and coming to terms with the family you have versus the one you dreamt of?

i'm sorry, this sounds really hard, but this guy does not sound like a partner at all and despite your fears about the 50/50 thing, post screams out that you should separate from him - and absolutely not have another child together, it's a good thing he's so hardline about it tbh. It's a dysfunctional relationship that was all but over when you had your DC, you're living in his house and have zero rights to it. Your situation is practically and emotionally unstable and you need to look at leaving not as a 'will I have time to get impregnanted again' scenario but as a 'this needs to happen and I've been putting it off for 7+ years already' situation, because nothing is going to improve until you've sorted that.

You definitely won't (and shouldn't) have another DC with him if you stay, so the obvious answer is to leave. It might well not be a 50/50 split anyway, but if it is, you will manage it and you and your DC are both young enough to adjust and thrive being outside of this dysfunctional set-up. Get your own home and start over so you can live the life you want, whether its with more kids or animals or whatever you choose. You made a big choice at 16 but then seem to have gone along in a more fatalistic way and 36 is the time to sort that out. You have time now. Don't keep putting it off.

A baby doesn't solve problems. They amplifiy them.
I'm surprised that your child asks for a sibling, where have they got that from? Anyway, it's not a considered request, so shelve that.
Is it a good environment to bring another child into, or could you find contentment the way you are?
Oh, and by the way, life is not less without a sibling.

I 100% know that like is not less without a sibling, but my life is less without my child having a sibling, if that makes sense?

Financially I’m not terribly placed and I do have options if I need them. I run my own business but I’m also qualified to return to the profession I was in before I had DC, which would put me back on a more traditional career ladder and double, if not triple, my current earnings so it’s not a long term dire situation if I left, financially.

To address another point, my son has been surrounded by his/our peers having more children. My brother has two, all his friends have had or are currently having siblings so it’s always in front of his face. Covid really did a number on him as well as where we live, children weren’t even allowed to play together in parks at one stage. Then when we were allowed, he would see children playing together and go over to ask if he could play but more than once he was told, ‘I just want to play with my brother/sister’ in one form or another. He was 4, and I clearly remember one such day where it happened and he just came and sat next to me and said that he wanted to go home because he was lonely. Obviously I got up and went to play with him, but he’s said so many things over the years. We’ve just got back from a holiday with my my brother and his children, and my son told me he was sad because his cousins got to be together all the time but he was lonely in our house with just him me and his dad. That’s what prompted me broaching the subject again with my partner.

it’s like a war going on in my head. I know I have to stop wanting what I want because I can’t have it, but equally, I don’t want to.

What I wrote about finances made it sound like I’ve got bags of money. I don’t at all 😂 I’d be teaching on a mid level pay scale if I returned!

I think if you want another child so badly it maybe something you regret long term? I’ve always wanted three children and loved the idea of a large family, I am an only child while I had all my parents love and time I would have loved a sibling. Sorry if that’s not much help but maybe if you want another child so bad just have one? There are lots of options of having a child solo.

I'd leave him before your son gets any older and it is harder for him. Find someone (him also) who is your everything.
At 37 you have time to have another if that's with someone else or IVF by yourself with a donor.

I think for your own peace of mind, you have to accept no one is owed or entitled to a child, or a sibling. A child is entitled to be wanted by both parents and who are wholeheartedly invested.

Your partner could have been more tactful, but if he can’t be bothered then he is actually being responsible and sensible not to father any more children.