Co parenting woes

[Jolaine]

Just keen to hear others thoughts and know that I'm not losing my sanity here. Basically I co - parent with ex H (loosely on his part). Bit of back story. He holidays and works overseas for long stretches at a time and enjoys his time to himself. Also he prefers eldests company (imo because he's less work and will sit and watch a film) and barely sees youngest - talking maybe only a couple of weeks over the entire year and has never really taken him out anywhere, doesn't attend any school events, hospital apps etc etc
Point is I generally shoulder the responsibility of childcare which I don't really mind as I enjoy their company...but when something comes up for me he always has something on.
So this weekend, I need to work - only a couple of hours (I didn't give lots of notice)..but he has to get his nails done...okay no it was a haircut- sorry- realising as I type how utterly ridiculous this is- he'd been planning this haircut all week apparently...so he told me he could have them but wouldn't be responsible for them when out and about. Now I don't feel I can comfortably leave both with him as he did used to just walk away if there was any aggro between them when we were together leaving me to deal with it and I'd never forgive myself if anything happened. So he's not said no but🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

If the kids argue amongst themselves he walks away??

No. Not just arguing. To clarify, the kids frequently don't always get along and they can be hard work in this case.

Plus I'm not certain he would do that if on his own but because of his comment it makes me think that.

How old are the kids?

I'd reply to him and say "Great that you can have them. I'll drop them off at X time. Just so we are clear, from when I drop them off to when I pick them up, you are responsible for them whether at home or out and about. See you at the weekend"

Jurassicfantastic they are 4 and 6. He usually drives them back to me when he's had enough least that's what it seems like. When I start using language like " just to be clear" he takes that as me being aggressive and telling him what to do. I still do it as it seems it's okay when he does it to me but it usually ends in curse words and no solution.

It all seems so slap dash. Why haven't you got a custody split that you both stick to? It sounds like so much work to have to ask, discuss and agree on him having them every single time rather than a set plan. What child maintenance does he give you?

Yes he pays maintenance now and we have a legal agreement on that (gone through courts). No custody split though. Admittedly that would make it easier but he's spent so little time with one child that unfortunately that child doesn't always want to be there. I used to push and push for his time with Dad but sick and tired of it and would rather kids happy.

Thanks for votes folks👍👍👍

The amount of child maintenance is based on how often they are with you/ thecustody split...so what has been agreed?

so he told me he could have them but wouldn't be responsible for them when out and about. wtaf.

An amount that he can afford and I am happy with.

Unfortunately for most of us this is the reality of co-parenting!
I can’t ask my ex H for anything!! He decided to move to the opposite end of the country when we split and therefore has seen his DD 1 day in over a year and half!!
We shouldn’t have to ask our ex’s to have their children extra as if they’re doing us some favour, they should see it as extra time and a bonus visit with their beloved children!
I do see this happening again and again, even when there’s a court order in place! My friends exH is supposed to see his children once a week after school plus every other weekend… I don’t think he’s ever had them in the week after school and hasn’t seen them since a few days after Christmas…. He will however text at short notice when it suits him or he wants to share a pic on FB pretending to be dad of the year, demanding he be allowed to see his kids at the weekend and then accuses her of alienation or abuse when she says No because they’ve already got a paid for activity arranged ….. of course she tells him when they’re away for a weekend or a whole week somewhere nice and he ALWAYS messages a few days before telling the kids he can see them during that time.. which then upsets them because they’ve missed their dad and would love to see him but are obviously unable to!!….. real piece of narcissistic shite that one though!!

It is a shame when ex couples can’t parent effectively and support each other, but this is part of their charm…. They state they will do it ‘as a favour’ because if they’re so great BUT they put doubt in your mind so that you decide not to leave them after all….. then they can say like the hero they think they are ‘Well I said I would, but YOU didn’t want me to!!’

Absolutely let him have them, he's trying to get his own way by scaring you into him not having them. Weaponised incompetence as they say. Dear ex H that would be great thanks, I'm sure they will be have. They are so excited !!! See you x on Saturday.

He left them when you were there because he could. If he's on his own he will have no choice but to deal with it. Just my opinion though x

Thanks @thismummydrinksgin ...yeah that's exactly what I wonder 🤔 X

Thanks @T1Dmama for taking time to reply..it really is like an ex H script after reading similar posts by others on here but in a way to be expected as it was part of the reason we divorced...that I was mostly parenting alone within the marriage anyway so why would it be any different after 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️. I think it is just something I'll have to accept unfortunately and be glad that at least he does see the kids even if mostly on his terms. Tiring though isn't it...he did just tell me he never gets a weekend off ...this after coming home from his 2nd 3 week holiday and only seeing one of his children for about 2 weeks out of the year (child's choice- as he doesn't do anything with/for him when he does go) 🤪 X

It’s very sad, but their loss (the dads).. my exH was the same, never spent any 1:1 time with our DD when we were together and always saw his days off as ‘his’ time, not family time.