Household Finances Argument

[Ankleweights]

This is the scenario, we were going to sell our house but we've decided not to sell our house and stay here for a further 2 years because our childrens nursery is nearby and from new place it's an hour walk. My husband drives but he travels a lot for work and i don't drive. Also house is set up the way we want it and it's safe for our toddler and baby. To stay here means i will have to take out a 15k loan to service the mortgage on the new house we're buying for 6 months before we can legitimately rent it out. I've done a cashflow forecast and I've covered the monthly loan repayments, building an emergency fund, a fund for our children, I've given myself a monthly allowance for travel to work and food, and a small personal savings. I pay for their nursery fees and he covers all other costs like mortgage, bills and household expenses. Now i mention to him that I'm saving a little for myself to pay off my student loan. He asks me why I'm saving that when we'll need the money over the next 2 years and he adds he doesn't have a penny to save for himself and i shouldn't save and put the money to use now. I said I've covered for these other additional expenses and in September their nursery fee reduction will see me slightly better off, then a further reduction in January next year which I'll put towards the emergency fund. I also said to him that when we were buying this house and repaying the loan we took to do the works i paid 90% of my salary towards it all and had 50 quid personal allowance per month whilst he had 400 quid up until recently. I never questioned when he said he'd personally saved an amount. Nor did i ask him to contribute more as that was his personal savings and he could do with it as he pleased. Am i wrong to want to save this money to pay off my student loan? And, am i wrong to get angry because he's trying to lay claim to my personal savings? I'm contributing 415 quid per month, saving 150 quid per month and giving myself an allowance of 100 quid per month. Am i being unreasonable?

No you’re not … you are being very wise .. everyone if they can needs a personal nest egg.. don’t even for a minute entertain stopping it ..

You’re both being a bit unreasonable because you’ve married with 2 kids, there really isn’t such thing as “your personal savings”, legally every penny is “our” money, not “your” money. It doesn’t seem to make much sense or seem very fair for you to be building up savings while you (as a household and joint financial entity) are taking on a 15k loan and paying that off.

If you’re not going to have fully joint finances- and I don’t know why once married with kids you wouldn’t- then as a minimum you should be working it out so that you both have the same amount of money left over as “fun money” which could be spent on savings, wine, takeaways, anything. It shouldn’t be the case that either of you has more “personal money” left than the other.

Exactly what @Mrsttcno1 said.

you are married
you have kids
you are a team
all money in one pot, all bills and expenses paid from this. Small amount to each of your personal accounts for you to do what you want.

as you are finding out, the bigger earner changes over time and the needs of the family are more important than having lots of spending money

@Mrsttcno1 thanks for your thoughts. He has approximately 300 quid per month for himself but he is choosing to spend it and I'm choosing to save mine. We have fully joint finances but manage it differently by taking on specific costs rather than everything in one.
@Yoe i think so, we both have the option to do that.
@isthewashingdryyet I've never been the bigger earner. I earn significantly less. We used to manage our finances as you've suggested but with constant changes to cost of things it became too much keeping up with adjustments so we prefer to take on specific costs.

If that is the case then I don’t understand what’s happening, do you both have £300 personal/fun money available and you are saving while he is spending?

You had said he didn’t have a penny left to save so I assumed his was all being spent on the household?

Also @Ankleweights there are literally no changes required at all really if you take a one pot approach. Both salaries into 1 account, all the bills out of 1 account, whatever is left is then split between you. It’s much easier & much fairer than trying to work out who is paying more/less.

Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander. If it didn’t bother him when he had money over each month and you didnt, the only reason it would bother him now is because he thinks he is important and matters and you don’t.
It’s a no from me unless he wants to transfer 200 or half his extra for all the months you didn’t have anything.

You’ll find that monthly student loan contributions will have reduced this month due to the threshold increasing.

it’s not worth paying your student loan off unless you’re a high earner who will pay it off within a few years

I don’t understand, how do you need to adjust if the vast majority of the income is in the joint account, and only a small bit is sent to personal accounts for personal spends. We keep a joint savings account with the same bank as the joint account and money does move between the two, but so easy with the app on my tablet.
long term savings in ISAs don’t get touched at all.

dont you have more adjusting to do when the food only cost £50 this week instead of the budgeted £70 but the council tax and sky have just gone up ?, so you me £30 and I owe you 45p to make it even. Sounds way too much faffing to me.

@Mrsttcno1 that's right. I think he meant after his personal spend he doesn't have anything to save. Should have clarified actually because it's not a literal case of he doesn't have a penny. He does and actually more than me but i buy meal deals and save the rest. We did the everything in one pot for 10 years and it was just too many adjustments and this way we know what we're in charge of and it suits us better.

@Codlingmoths that's exactly my point. I laid no claim to his personal allowance or cared what he did with it cos frankly it's none of my beeswax. Nor did i ever act oh poor me i only have 50 quid.

@Danikm151 I'm on plan 1. I don't want to be paying this forever because i never realise my true income.

@isthewashingdryyet this works for us. We have joint spending, savings and bills accounts as well as emergency funds. This helps us divide responsibility to get the best deals and we over contribute to take into account any overspend per month. We keep personal and combined spreadsheets so everything at the end of the day feeds into one. We're very detailed because we enjoy the faff lol. But anyway that's a different topic altogether.

The thing is OP you are saying this way suits you and works for you, but it quite obviously doesn’t, because if it did there would be no need for the thread

@Mrsttcno1 the thread isn't about how we divide our finances, whether it's split down the middle, contribute proportional to income etc. It's me asking am i being unreasonable to want to save part of my allowance.

The method you described didn't work for us. We did it for 10 years and found a better solution that aligns responsibility as well.

What @Mrsttcno1 said, it clearly isn’t working, or you wouldn’t be here.

But you carry on with what sounds like an unfair system where one person has more money than the other and one person can veto what the other does with their personal spends.

I waste mine on coffee out and lots of crafting stuff, and plants and he buys car magazines and goes to football and rugby matches, but we learned not to comment on how the other chooses to waste their money. That is the point of it.

Commenting on how the other person spends saves or donates their money to the donkey sanctuary is totally out of order. We had that row the first month we did this.
so no, no one can comment how you choose to use your personal money.

But the answer to that question depends entirely on how your finances are being split. If he’s paying for all household bills and then is left with very little then yes you’re unreasonable to be saving while he isn’t able to. If he’s paying half and then spending £500 a month on alcohol and nights out then no you’re not unreasonable.

It’s not possible to say. If he’s paying a bigger portion of bills and is left with less money as a result then yes, you’re unreasonable to be saving rather than making sure you have equal money each to do what you want with.

I think couples finances are such a personal thing. What suits one won't suit another. But this buy the new house renting it out and having to take out loans to service it sounds a risky business to me. Sounds like you sre both being a bit unreasonable. Is £415 all you contribute, it isnt much. No matter what yhe system is, unless you both agree it doesnt work.

Ignoring the possibly convoluted way you split finances, you aren’t unreasonable to think it’s not his business what you do with your left over money. He doesn’t like you saving it because that makes him feel like you’ve got an advantage over him in one way or another. That you have “more”.

If the split is fair and you both have access to “personal” money once all the bills are paid then it’s your business what you decide to do with your cash (and him, his).

If he chooses to spend his money and you choose to save yours, that’s just personal choice.

If you both have your allocated amount after everything has been paid then why does he need to know what you're doing with it. Surely he doesn't need to know about every meal deal or coffee you buy just like you don't ask what's happening with his.

You do realise that if you were to split up, whatever you have saved would be classed a joint money and he would be entitled to half of it?

Well just tell him you won't save it then and just spend it all like he does his 🤷🏽‍♀️

The fact you choose to spend it on paying off your student loan is clearly lost on him.

I should clarify that we both equally contribute but we manage different expenses. His are household related and I'm responsible for nursery fees, childrens expenses, holidays, loans and emergency fund. He's left with 300 quid and I'm left with 250. I want to save 150 and spend 100 and he wants to spend his 300 and not save. The question arose is if i can give up 150 to save i should put it towards the emergency fund but there's no need from my point of view as there's enough to cover us and i top it up anyway.

So not equal then ?

he has £600 a year more than you ?

Presumably he is adding more to his pension than you are to yours ?

ah well, if you are ok with it then carry on.

Spend, save, set fire to it, put it on No 23 in the next race at Aintree, hide it under your mattress. Your money is yours to do what ever you want to with, and he has no veto or right to comment

Christ just say nah I’ll spend it like you do then. And save it in a separate account. Say it went on coffees and cake and lotto tickets, but you’ll let him know if you ever win!

Thanks to everyone for contributing your thoughts. I didn't think i was being unreasonable so that's why i asked and to perhaps get an alternative point of view. It has given food for thought and opened up some points of conversation.
💙