Appreciate anyone’s help right now

[Thomasthefuckinglegend]

Hi,

I haven’t posted in a while but I feel I’m at my wits end and genuinely don’t know what to do.

My daughter is 12. She was conceived through rape (I was told I could never have children and the piece of shit that did this to me was meant to be a friend)

Anyway, fast forward to her birth, the father was no where to be seen “wetting the baby’s head” and the fact it was also his birthday too.

He has a huge problem with alcohol to the point I wanted my dad to be around when he saw her - few and far between. But now he’s using this against me, saying I was restricting his visitations etc.

Went through mediation, had the police involved as I had death threats through the door, stalking, you name it.

I’ve changed my address on so many occasions. When the police visited his house, he told me they laughed at me and called me a joke.

m we are now going through a court order. I wanted little to no communication with this prick to the point I’m paying for a contract for my daughter. Yet he still wants me to message him when I’m outside to pick her up. No one else is allowed to collect her which impacts my job. I pay for school trips, uniform, canteen (that’s what I deserve apparently)

anyway, tonight was my last straw. I messaged my daughter that I was outside and he locked her in his house saying he won’t release her until I message him saying I’m outside. That I shouldn’t be passing messages through my daughter and the only way he will release her is if I ask nicely to let her out.

Obviously I did it because she’s my daughter.

im so done. I’ve been controlled for over a decade and I’m exhausted. I cry every day. Do I really need to beg to get my daughter?

I know this probably isn’t an AIBU but I really need a reality check ASAP.

Thank you to those that have got this far.

Wow @Thomasthefuckinglegend I'm so incredibly sorry for all you've been through and are going through. I can't give any useful advice but you sound like a great mum who clearly loves her daughter.

Is there any social worker involved? Or do you have a solicitor who could help advise? Maybe speak to citizens advice or Woman's Aid, they may have some resources or be able to point you in the right direction?

Wishing you all the best!

How far away is he? Can dd get the bus or a taxi? You don't have tosbee him at all. Did you report him for rape? It isn't too late.. Does dd want to see him? Does she know the truth? Is she safe with him?

Was the rape reported?

I'm assuming not if he has access to his daughter

You need to hang in there as your daughter is 12 now but when she turns 13 he wont be locking her anywhere in such is the strong will of teenagers. She may even choose not to se him anymore.

At 12 my ds stopped seeing his df... And the court order was well exh's way...

Does DD know the circumstances around it all?

I haven’t said anything about it. She takes it out on me that she sees him / his parents.

To answer a few questions. This person knew my family well, I just started my dream job (or so I thought) went out to celebrate and the rest is history. I lost my mum at 14 and it would’ve broken my dad to know the truth. He sadly passed shortly after.

I found strength to report for stalking / letters / reported the school for breaching GDPR and giving him my address.

I just want to end it all. My daughter only knows we aren’t together. I don’t want to put her through hurt. However, he seems to talk about and ask questions about me.

Even though you're not together anymore this is still coercive control at the very minimum before even going into the past of rape.
I'm genuinely sorry this is happening and this happening and this absolute piece of crap is still trying to control you.
I have no decent advice, but I would speak to womens aid, personally they have been amazing and could maybe offer more support.
But I know you are strong. You've been raising a kid on your own whilst dealing with this POS and you're going to get through it. I know things are shit, but I'm pretty sure you have an amazing kid and are a great mum.

Why on earth would you have any kind of further contact with him after he raped you and as for letting him see the child?!!! It’s insane!

1. Why are you enabling your daughter to stay with a rapist?
2. You don't have to do ANY drop offs and pick ups from said father if he moved away.

Thank you to those that have replied with helpful advice.

I don’t want to be beaten up anymore than I have. I’m only after information if anyone has had a similar backstory.

Answer to some questions. Yes, the rape was reported. He is on the birth certificate, after DNA testing etc. didn’t want anything to do with her until ‘she was a proper human’ so around 4.

I believe he is still angry at the fact that he has limited control of me. I don’t tell him where I live, hence why I do the drop offs and pick ups. I told the police about stalking, they told me it would be a long and pricey process to get a non molestation order. But I don’t care about me. I care about the fact that he is using my daughter to get to me and still try and control me.

Have you spoken to Rights of Women?

If he is refusing to release your DD refuse to take her for contact as you can trust him to return her?

Next time you could call the police, they will at least do a welfare check.

Nowhere near the scale of abuse you’ve been subjected to, but ExH tried to control me using DD. I could give you hundreds of examples, but it’s all stuff you know too well. When I stood my ground and pushed back, he made it 20 times worse. But I kept doing it. Because I didn’t think I could explain to an 11 yo why I’m ‘being abusive, difficult and controlling’ (his words).
Aged 17 DD clicked and realised what the problem actually was. The problem was her dad. In her words, realising how he used her just to get to me, made her want to be sick. She realised the scale of sacrifice I made and how much I tried to protect her from it all.

We’ve had many conversations about it since. She hated me as a teenager for not doing what her dad was asking me to do, ‘for her sake’. That means mummy doesn’t love’ you suddenly translated into ‘my mum is standing up to an abuser’.
It gave my DD good boundaries. Boundaries her dad now calls ‘misandry’. I don’t need to tell you she has nothing to do with him these days. She’s ok, she understands I love her unconditionally and what that means.

HTH.