Give me your best advice, please x

[BetterOnSaturn]

Hello, new here.

I was with my children’s father for nearly 13 years. Around 5 years ago, he started talking about how it turned him on thinking of me with other men.

Fair enough to whoever finds that a turn on. It’s not my thing but I don’t judge other peoples fantasies. Anyway, I was quite shocked as he’s always been really quite protective & a bit possessive.

Somehow this “fantasy” was mentioned every single time we were intimate. I would say to him it would make me feel uncomfortable & he’d stop for a short time, then it would start all over again.

This fantasy became even more intense for him, he started trying to push me to sleep with other men. I am SO thankful to myself that I didn’t! I didn’t mind appeasing him with some “sex talk” but no way would I sleep with someone else.

Fast forward to today, I’m wanting it to be over with us. In my head I think it was half over when he even mentioned me going with another man. I can’t explain it. Part of me viewed him differently but I always tried to make it work for our children’s sake.

Now I don’t have sex with him anymore, I physically can’t because that fantasy will be mentioned. He’s admitted it’s an addiction for him & that he can’t help it because I’m just “too attractive” (his words, not mine)

He has basically pushed me into the arms of someone else. Nothing at all has happened between us. But obviously there’s feelings there between us two & I feel horrible. I’m sure someone will be along to tell me I am & I hold my hands up, I am. I never intended for it to happen.

It’s been far too long of constantly catering to my ex & feeling like he’s almost trying to pimp me out. It makes me sick. He won’t accept it’s over. He’s said he’ll make my life hell.

I have nobody to turn too. Financially I’m ok, children aren’t in any danger. They’re adored & looked after by me.

I just feel so depressed. I warned him years ago that his fantasies would end up pushing me away, he didn’t care. I don’t know how long I can continue putting up with him for. I’d have to get the police involved or literally move away with the children, as he would just cause murder.

I dunno what I’m looking for here. Sorry. I feel like I’ve been in one long coercive relationship the whole time & I have found someone who genuinely worships me & I can’t move forward with him because of my ex & his ways. X

Edit as now im a bit lost as i have re read. So have you already left him?

Honestly, I think I would end it OP. You aren't happy and he's not going to stop. You are starting to have feelings for someone else. I would honestly call it quits

Sorry, I can see why you’d be confused. I haven’t explained it properly.

I have ended it but in his head we’re still together & he won’t accept it.x

If you think he's going to get violent then do get the police involved.
It is important that you are very clear that it is over, don't be sending mixed messages by behaving as normal.
If you are still in the same house, then you need to sleep in different rooms and live separate lives.
If he won't leave, then you might have to, with the children.
Have you got somewhere you can go?
He actually sounds a bit scary, you might need someone else there, police or a friend/ family member so you can get out safely.
Remember, you are entitled to leave him if it's not working for you. He doesn't own you. You are not in the wrong. The fact that you have met someone else only highlights how bad your marriage is.

Oh hang on, you haven't even said that you are married ! If you are not, then he has no legal or moral claim on you at all.
Just work out how you can exit safely.

I have ended it but in his head we’re still together & he won’t accept it. It doesn’t matter whether he does or doesn’t accept it. You’ve told him you’re over so it’s done. The only important thing is getting him out of your life so you’re safe.

Are you married? Is he the father of the children? And do you own or rent? If you rent, who is on the tenancy agreement?