To be so stressed about the idea of getting married again?

[EllesBells27]

I have been with my current partner for 4 years.

I was married to my ex husband for nearly 12 years but separated 6 years in, it took a long time to get round to divorce. He was awful to me in our marriage, financially controlling and gaslighting me. When we got married all those years ago i found it the most stressful experience. I wanted a small wedding, not too much fuss. Due to my parents getting involved, it ended up a huge wedding. I had a young baby (5 months old) and was often stood in my wedding dress holding him because everyone wanted a good time and refused to hold him or look after him for a short period of time despite promising they would. I didn't drink, I didn't really dance much and a lot of the guests were my parents friends as my dad had paid for the wedding and insisted. I know the comments here will be " you should have paid for it yourself" and "your wedding, you decide" but I was young and my parents have also been very controlling in my life. Its always about them and how they look, I was stressed and tired from the baby. I admit it was all wrong choices but I cant change that now... if I could.. I would.

My partner has been discussing the idea of marriage and i'll admit... the thought terrifies me. Not because I dont love him, I do, he is the absolute love of my life, worlds away from my ex husband and id marry him in a heartbeat. But.... I cant get over the stress from planning, being told who to invite, basically being told im selfish for MY choices etc.

We can easily afford it ourselves and would. My problem is... I hate my brothers girlfriend - she's pure evil (but thats another story) there is NO WAY I want her there in any shape or form. This would ultimately cause huge problems in the family. If we elope... My parents would be furious and never forgive me (I cant do this). I don't want a load of strangers at my wedding again.

My Partner and I would love to have a small ceremony and big party after with our friends but the chaos of all these choices is causing me huge anxiety. I know I need to stick up for myself but it always ends badly when I do. AIBU to feel like this?

Sorry for the long post. Please be kind. This is really affecting me

Setting aside the wedding will marriage be what’s best for you and your DC, financially, legally etc?

Please don't repeat what happened last time and put your own needs after everyone else's. And your're prioritising your family over DP too if he also wants a modest wedding. Agree what you both want to do and stick to it. You are an adult and need to set some boundaries. Your parents sound bonkers if they'd never forgive you for not having the guests they want rather than the guests you want though this is clearly causing you great anxiety. They sound like they will be impossible to please whatever you do, so i'd stop making the effort - it will never be enough.

If we elope... My parents would be furious and never forgive me (I cant do this).

People always say this, and they're usually deluding themselves. Quite apart from anything else, they won't know you got married unless you tell them feel free not to tell them if you think they are genuinely likely to be 'furious'. But I would suggest you're actually not being honest with yourself they got to dictate your last wedding, and you hated every second. Who is more important to you -- you or them? They had their shot. This one is for you. Centre your own wishes. If you are generally a people-pleaser who is terrified of other people's disapproval, then deal with that. Do you really want to be on your deathbed and think back on your two weddings as events you hated, or to be the woman who didn't marry the love of her life because she was afraid of her parents? You can't live your life so as not to produce negativity in others.

I would suggest you just get married with two witnesses, and bypass both the threat of parental involvement and the girlfriend of your brother issue. Then tell or don't tell, as you like.

We got married with two witnesses, didn't tell anyone for four or five years, and no one was that bothered, apart from a few wistful remarks from DH's family, who like a party for the most minor of reasons. It's very difficult to get that het up about something that happened years ago.

When we told close family, we were very clear that a big wedding, with a ceremony and a 200-guest reception and white dresses and bridesmaids and a disco, had never been on the cards for us.

The choice had always been either (a) two witnesses down the register office or (b) no marriage.

Yes, and that's another good point. Forget the wedding -- think about the marriage, and its legal implications.

Thank you. I know i just need to do what WE want and get to look back at a wedding i enjoyed.

Yes, we have discussed the legal implications etc and both comfortable and agree what's right and what's not. I cannot express what a lovely man he is and so far from my ex husband. He would never force me to do anything, he just wants to make us all happy, we both have children from previous marriages and we love them all and i already get called their step- mum 😊

In an ideal situation id love a very small ceremony, a lovely honeymoon (never had one last time) and a party another time. I do understand its about me and my lovely partner and us being together. The stress of my parents just freaks me out so much, its very much emotional abuse (i could tell you so many stories) - i do love them, they help with the children alot and spoil them. My brothers girlfriend has had me in tears and yet my parents are still adamant we keep her close and treat her the same and with love and care because they dont want to upset my brother. Annoys me so much.

Do what YOU want to do. This is about you and your partner not anyone else. And as someone mentioned above, sounds like whatever you do will never be enough so just ignore them and live your life!