Unsocial Neighbours

[woodnth]

A few years ago, after working abroad for many years, I (a single man) retired to a terraced house in a fairly downmarket part of Britain where I was unknown. Based on my experiences abroad I hoped (assumed) that by demonstrating a pleasant and friendly demeanour I would gradually get to know my neighbours and feel like a part of a community; but in fact, not only does no one talk to me, but I never even see neighbours outside their houses; it's like living in a ghost-town.
My question is this: is it now the norm for individuals and families in Britain to live in complete isolation from others - simply moving between home, car, and work - or have I just been unlucky? (For what it's worth, about 30% of the residents are immigrants - probably Moslem - and many others are retired).

Not uncommon for some people never to speak with neighbours except when there is some crisis or emergency. Not universal though and not dependent on age or ethnicity.

No I don't think this is normal -i certainly hope not. I know all of my close neighbours, a majority of the further away neighbours and like most of them. My sister knows all of her neighbours and my eldest niece knows and gets on with hers. All three of us live in the same city, but in very different neighborhoods ranging from relatively affluent to pretty poor, suburban and inner city.

In my past experience it was my Muslim neighbours who made the most effort to build relationships with neighbours, often bringing food round...I miss it!
I don't think it's dependent on ethnicity or religion though, I've had sociable and unsociable neighbours wherever I've lived.

To clarify: I actually live in Swansea.

Go somewhere with a bit more community spirit

What has their ethnicity or presumed religion got to do with it?

I'm not friendly with my neighbours. nobody on my street is friendly with each other. Just the way it is.

I don't think the OP needs to be pilloried for mentioning ethnicity - there are plenty of ethnic and religious groups who "keep themselves to themselves".

OP - I think it's just bad luck. I got on famously with previous neighbours. In our current home (we've been here a year) we're on small talk/Christmas card terms with three nearby, but have one immediately next to us who is a bit unpleasant. People are people.

Well, no, but he says they're 'immigrants', which seems difficult to establish with such certainty if he has never spoken to these people, but is basing it on their faith, and (possibly) on them speaking a language other than English to one another. They may be immigrants. On the other hand, they may have been in the UK for generations.

OP, I think some places are like this, yes. I'd lived in central London for years and what I noticed most when I first moved to a midlands village was that you spent far less time around people than you do when you live in a big city where everyone is using the same public transport and parks as essentially communal gardens. In this village, people had no need to use the communal green spaces as they had their own back gardens, and they tended to hop into cars and drive somewhere, so, apart from our immediate neighbours, it took a lot of time to get to know people.

Front gardens is where neighbours tend to meet and get chatty round here.

I'm lucky as I live in a terrace too and this road is literally like Coronation Street. We all know each other, there's bickering, arguing, parties, celebrations.

I've been here just over 5yrs and the day I moved in, one neighbour shouted 'come and have a cuppa' and another said 'if that traffic doesn't stop being arseholes, I'll get out there with my chainsaw!'. My removal van was blocking the road!

I feel that this is many Mners' vision of hell.

I wouldn’t say your experience was the norm, but I do think that social circles tend not to be based so much on community any longer.

On the last street we lived we had a good relationship with one neighbour, and were on greeting / small talk terms with a few others. I wouldn’t describe any as friends as such, just acquaintances. We knew pretty much everyone by sight.

On our current street it’s similar - we know our immediate neighbours, and the couple over the road who bought us a gift and came to introduce themselves.

I think you have to join things, go to pub quizzes or whatever interests you.

@GettingtheElectric You're probably right!! But my DC have left home, I moved to a random area where I didn't know anyone and I feel like I've landed in a family. Two of my neighbours were born in their houses and have never left! One is 69, the other 98!

We've lived in this house 10 years and I don't know a single neighbours name.

Happy to nod and smile and say good morning, but that's it.

I barely have time to keep up with my own friends and family and full time job. I don't have the headspace or capacity to start socialising with neighbours too.

I wish my Muslim friends lived next door to me, rather than the pig-ignorant White British idiots who do.

I think that the layout of the street can affect this. Years ago, I lived in quite a posh street, with big detached houses that had lots of space in between them. Apart from an annual BBQ, there wasn't really an opportunity to chat with neighbours, because the houses were so far apart.

Now however, we live in a terraced house, where the gardens are not fenced, and we face on to a village green. There are always people passing, or people sitting on the green and neighbours sitting in their gardens, and there is a good community spirit. I am sure that the proximity to each other and the village green have a huge impact. Also, because it's a much smaller town there seems to be more of a community feel. Lots of things to do, like bowls, gala day, organised walks etc.

I think in your shoes I'd look at moving to a small town.

Have you invited them round? Maybe a bbq? Or garden drinks (not necessarily alcohol! )

is it now the norm for individuals and families in Britain to live in complete isolation from others - simply moving between home, car, and work - or have I just been unlucky?

Just because they’re not desperate to be friends with you doesn’t mean they are living in isolation from others. They are likely to have family and friends, but have limited time for neighbours due to other commitments.

When we had neighbours, we said hello, took in parcels for each other but that was as far as it went. We weren’t isolated though, we have some good family and many great, close friends.

I find it very strange you think that because they’re not doing what you think they should, that they only move between home, car and work.

I've lived in two different places where I was very much the new face, and virtually everyone else had been born in the house they lived in and never left. One was a tiny cul de sac in the middle of an old WC city centre area in an Irish city, and it was utterly lovely -- lots of congenial old people sitting out on the street outside their front doors on a sunny evening, full of great stories. The place was an oral history project in itself. The other was a village in the English Midlands, and boy, that was depressing, parochial, insular, unwelcoming.

Yours sounds more like my first experience.

Not my neighbourhood. I moved as a single parent to a terraced house in London three years ago. My neighbour greeted me warmly as soon as she saw me. A woman from across the street came over to introduce herself. I met a group dog walking which led to an invitation to a coffee morning. If I see any neighbours it's always a smile, quick chat sometimes. My immediate neighbours have been helpful with deliveries and feeding my cats and letting me pick rosemary from their bushes, and I in turn have printed out documents for them when their printer broke down, put out their rubbish bins of away - that sort of thing. We have a street WhatsApp group which ranges from recommendation requests, free stuff, to 'let's put some pretty plants around the street trees' (three sets done so far).
But I've also lived in neighbourhoods (far outside London) where when I went to introduce myself to one neighbour with my then 8 year old got the door slammed in my face!

Nodding good morning and taking in parcels, yes normal.

Becoming good friends, not normal.

To make actual friends you need to join a club or activity you enjoy and meet like minded folk

Move to Yorkshire. Much, much friendlier. Ideally a place where you can easily walk to shops.

I get smiles and 'mornin's from lots of people in my area. I know my neighbours and we often stop to chat.

It's friendly but not overbearing.